Forgive Me For My Honesty

Forgive me for all the apologies I didn't write, for all the times I didn't get it right, for all the times all I did was lie, and for every time I made you cry. The guilt eats me alive, it makes me feel dead inside. This isn't about me though, it's about all the sorrys I wish you could hold, for every single lie I've told, for every time you've had to sit and watch it unfold. How could I be so cold? You need me to be honest, but I throw up my hands in protest. I do what I know, & well, that's a low blow. In those moments we both know, how bad I eff up. Even I don't trust me, that doesn't say much, because I trust none, watch as it all comes undone. The real burden is all the ways that I'm broken, anger, hot like molten from all the bull I've spoken. I know, because sometimes you look at me like I must be joking, but I'm the punch line the consequenses are all mine. I'm imploding inside, but really I'm fine. You don't buy it, and that's fine. I'll dig my hole a little deeper, I'm a professional secret keeper, the walls keep getting steeper. I feel so fake, I hate the drama I create. From the moment I blow up to the moment I've realized that I effed up. Maybe I don't think. Why don't you work, brain? I'm sorry for all the pain you retain, fragments in the window pane, broken pieces leaving your soul stained of the memories of when I wasn't so vain. I make a joke of myself because I care what people think, when I'm the only one left feeling ashamed. It makes me feel like being with you is a shame. I treat loyalty & honestly like it's a game. How are you not enraged and filled with hate at the choices I make, how I chose my fate? I can I repay you for being caught in my cycle? I've dragged you for miles through so many trials. All I can see is how many times I shut down & hide my face, because I'd rather run then look you in the face. I can't stand your forgiveness, the level of understanding just adds to the pain I feel deep down inside. A thousand times over I plead guilty and I trip over my words as the lies unravel & unwind. Who knows what secrets you will find locked behind the door I'll never open, here's to hoping that I can change, the thought feels so strange. Honesty makes me feel vulnerable, It makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate the real me and you should too, the fact that you don't drives me insane. I hide behind these lies because I'll never admit how ugly I feel inside, so why should I try when I can just take it to my grave when I die.