Nikki Pruitt | + Follow Poet |
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A Mentally Ill Memoir

My mind shorts out sometimes 
And my judgment goes out the window 
That's when I do stupid 
& the aftermath makes me feel suicidal. 
Sometimes it leads me right into
Temptation 
& straight into evil. 
Catching myself zoning out,
More often than not,
not on happy thoughts,
But on traumatic events
And everything I feel guilt over.
The grim reaper was waiting,
Keeping a watchful eye over me,
As I was looking over my shoulder,
Looking for the scarier entity .
I fear no mother f*cker,
Because nobody can hurt me
Worse than me.
Your attacks are useless,
I'm numb to the pain,
& nothing you can say will
Make me stray away.
You could hurt me a thousand times 
And throw it all in my face 
And I probably still
Wouldn't walk away.
Feelin' trapped 
And I'm not even in a maze,
Needing a scape goat 
Like a stairway to heaven
For lovers with depression
Who hate life & living
& can't seem to shake it.
Have you ever tried to function 
When you're exhausted and broken
Or when your thoughts are racing
So fast, In every direction,
So restless,
Holding still is agonizing.
Why you ask?
Because there are so many things that need done,
Things I want to do 
Might as well start plucking away
At the traumatic events that
Shackle me 
To the bondage of self
That overwhelms me with fear.
I'm past that mess now,
On the uphill slope,
Navigating through heartbreaks
& self inflicted set backs, 
Two steps backward
And watch it,
That first step forward is a doosie.
I wish I could have fallen into faith
In my years prior,
I might not have taken failures so hard,
Had I believed in a power greater than myself
And learned to better let go of the guilt.
I'm remorseful when I see all the chaos,
Crumbling all around,
My life turned upside down,
Had to step back and look,
To see the damage that I've caused, 
It never comes easy,
Nor is it fast,
But at least you can watch
As I take back control of my head.
All I want is stability,
Reassurance that I'm not worthless,
Something to take care of,
Surprise, 
It's me again.
It's considered self care,
Someone to love me,
That's my duty to myself
As I pick up my head I can see
A beautiful woman in the mirror
Looking back at me,
She looked at her reflection & said,
"I want you to know me again..."
That's why I've spent the last
Several weeks coming to terms with that fact
That I am who I am
And accepting that is moving me forward. 
I need that push.
I'm willing, 
But my determination is zero.
Light a fire under my ass,
And call yourself a hero.

Copyright © Nikki Pruitt | Year Posted 2021

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