A Mentally Ill Memoir

My mind shorts out sometimes And my judgment goes out the window That's when I do stupid & the aftermath makes me feel suicidal. Sometimes it leads me right into Temptation & straight into evil. Catching myself zoning out, More often than not, not on happy thoughts, But on traumatic events And everything I feel guilt over. The grim reaper was waiting, Keeping a watchful eye over me, As I was looking over my shoulder, Looking for the scarier entity . I fear no mother f*cker, Because nobody can hurt me Worse than me. Your attacks are useless, I'm numb to the pain, & nothing you can say will Make me stray away. You could hurt me a thousand times And throw it all in my face And I probably still Wouldn't walk away. Feelin' trapped And I'm not even in a maze, Needing a scape goat Like a stairway to heaven For lovers with depression Who hate life & living & can't seem to shake it. Have you ever tried to function When you're exhausted and broken Or when your thoughts are racing So fast, In every direction, So restless, Holding still is agonizing. Why you ask? Because there are so many things that need done, Things I want to do Might as well start plucking away At the traumatic events that Shackle me To the bondage of self That overwhelms me with fear. I'm past that mess now, On the uphill slope, Navigating through heartbreaks & self inflicted set backs, Two steps backward And watch it, That first step forward is a doosie. I wish I could have fallen into faith In my years prior, I might not have taken failures so hard, Had I believed in a power greater than myself And learned to better let go of the guilt. I'm remorseful when I see all the chaos, Crumbling all around, My life turned upside down, Had to step back and look, To see the damage that I've caused, It never comes easy, Nor is it fast, But at least you can watch As I take back control of my head. All I want is stability, Reassurance that I'm not worthless, Something to take care of, Surprise, It's me again. It's considered self care, Someone to love me, That's my duty to myself As I pick up my head I can see A beautiful woman in the mirror Looking back at me, She looked at her reflection & said, "I want you to know me again..." That's why I've spent the last Several weeks coming to terms with that fact That I am who I am And accepting that is moving me forward. I need that push. I'm willing, But my determination is zero. Light a fire under my ass, And call yourself a hero.