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Kc Kennings Poem
Let's play pretend
Pretend you are the hero and I am the damsel in depression
You sold me a magic future you'd crafted out of fool's gold
And I fell into the shimmer
A siren song in rough seas and
I sang merrily we fall
What adventure novels did I neglect
While chasing a happily ever after lie
Though you were a tragedy in your own right
You were a rum drunk pirate
On a pain soaked ship
And I haven't the heart to call you a villan
I should have known
when you said you didn't read much
That you'd be the chapter I wish I could tear out
page by page
And burn like witchcraft
Turn your memory to smoke and ash
The boy who would not grow up
And the girl who could not make him
I forced you to see your reflection though
Not in a rippled tide pool
But exactly as it was
And you could not hide from yourself then
Let's pretend I'm the fairy godmother
and I'll grant you this one year to the midnight
Tell me
Did you think I'd ever find the courage to leave?
Let's pretend
You never said the things you did
And I never cried behind a steering wheel
Trapped screaming prayers to St. Anthony
To find the me I lost chasing you
Let's pretend
I didn't instead find silver spoons in snowboard boots
Or empty liquor bottles in full laundry baskets
Or the patience before I lost it and transformed as though by dark magic into someone spiteful
Let's pretend
I never wanted to make you hurt
The way you made me hurt
And let's pretend I never tried.
Let's pretend
That water is not vodka
And that I am not as stupid as you made me feel
Let's pretend
Like the time you shoved me into the wall was the only time you were a rough sea to me and it was only because you were weather worn
Let's pretend
I was in love with you
and not the role you wrote for yourself before I found out your true character
Let's pretend
We aren't as complicated as we are
And in my story you can be a sick evil pirate
And in your story I can be a vile gypsy witch
And in our story we are just sad, frustrated kids,
In a dark love,
In over our heads,
No breadcrumbs to lead us out,
In a Grimm fairytale
Made for morals
Not happily ever after
04/22/2021
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
You can not love someone in parts
It is not fair to judge
the worst of someone new
against the best of someone in your past
And darling, that includes yourself
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
Step 1: Admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable.
But I admitted that long before your lips knew my name.
I shook hands with the darkness and deals had already been made.
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
By that point it was easy to see that I believed even a 12 watt light bulb burnt out still held more power than I did
Step 3: Prayed to any God that would listen and hoped they checked their voice-mail regularly.
Step 4: Pieced together the butterfly wings and dimes from dark alleyways. Pinned red string between the people we used to be and these more recent newspaper clippings.
Step 5: Admitted to the 12 watt light bulb, to ourselves, and to the only other person we could trust the depths of our confessional.
I watched her lips entranced as they moved in the mirror.
Step 6: Said enough. I dug out old running shoes and stole your shoe laces. The ones they wouldn't let you have beyond the locked white doors.
Step 7: I humbly asked the 12 watt light bulb to go off over my head for 's sake just once.
Step 8: They told me you made a list of all those you'd harmed. I wonder how many times you wrote my name, and at which point you finally wrote yours.
Step 9: I guess you didn't make it this far because my voice-mail still sits silent.
Step 10: I laced up those shoes and ran. Fast and Far. Kept taking Step after Step until my ribs screamed for air and I could finally laugh again.
Step 11: I changed out that 12 Watt for one that glows steady.
Step 12: I bask in the glow of the new light without the fear of the darkness I outran. The closet monsters can't touch me now. No darkness is more frightening than my own, and deals have already been made.
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
When I was 19 years old
I collapsed on my twin size collegiate bed
With my head in my hands
And I sobbed
Because for the first time in my shallow existence
My carefully curated victim complex was shattered
And I realized
I
Was not a good person
Cross my heart and hope to die
Because I chose to screw my face in a permanent sneer at anyone who dared to get to close for my comfort zone
I wore my pain like armor
Without realizing
...that
was heavy ...
And the walls I put up became my isolation chamber
And in a crowd of friends I was alone
Pity party for 1
And we can pit past against past
And play the world's longest game of
Who had it worse
And I though I was self-assured the gold medal in one-up-manship
But I was just smothering daisies
Trying desperately to grow in the black tar cracks in my heart
Running from sunshine
Still believing I'd find someone to be my light in the darkness I loved
As though it wasn't horrendously selfish
To expect my poor unfortunate soulmate to be the crutch I was hell bound to crush
As though I could keep extinguishing the lights of others because I wanted my nights blackest black
Because life's colors hurt my eyes
Because the pain was comfortable when it was bottled up and binge drank like moonshine
I had become the world's best extinguisher
Sour-faced joy-sucker
Begging for a light in my darkness
Then snuffing it out again and again
Always expecting someone else to
Re-light it
And I'm here selling my soul to this microphone because I know I'm not the only professional extinguisher
And it takes one to know one
So if you find yourself
On a twin-sized bed with your head in your hands sobbing
Know
That dark
will always lead to dawn
And you can learn to love yourself with the lights on
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
Why can't I exist
Without feeling guilty for
the space I take up?
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
This life is my life
Why is this my life
So I shout YOLO
Maybe I'll try van life
Cause escapism
And romanticizing
Are all that's really driving me
And maybe one day
I'll really do it
I'll quit my job and
I'll get right to it
Because they told me
That time is money
So right now I'm rich as I can be
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
I have anxiety
I can't sit quietly
Inside my brain
Cause part of it is fried
And part of me has died
I said "I'm fine" I lied
I am in pain
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
There are some poems we are just not ready to write
The wound is still too fresh for us to take notes from the light of it
And our pencil tips aren't sharp enough to stitch us up just yet
When we spill our sins in ink
We pray with stained hands
Leave indigo fingerprints saying this is who I am,
who I have been,
and every me I can become
I was told that as a wordsmith
My job was simply this
Take every human experience
Sum it up with pretty syllables
Paint vibrant pictures in black and white
And at the end of the night
You'll be paid in the stories others give you in exchange for your own
And it will be worth more than gold to you
But there are some stories we are just not ready to tell.
And perhaps that's the reason I have developed a nasty habit of redacting every dictionary I've met
Permanent marker scratching out the words "guilt" and "shame" until they bleed black like the only four letter word I can't even read
There are some poems I can't bring myself to recite
Because when I spilled my pain on those pages it was to realse the breath I've been holding since 19
And to take to a stage and
Sum it up with pretty syllables
Paint vibrant pictures in black and white
Does not yield golden stories
Those words take flight from my mouth like moths
stirring up settled dust
Have you ever seen the way a four letter word can desaturate a vibrant smile
I've watched women turn to ghosts as they phantom fade into their seats and the life leaves their eyes as they battle back pasts violently brought present without warning
But even if I did adequately announce the nature of the content
it's not like I've done them any favors,
Because standing up to retreat is as good as a confessional of that secret held pain barely worthy of being kept by loved ones let alone strangers
Quietly putting on their masks so others won't see the way they bite the inside of their cheeks until they taste like my 2 cents
Count the stories on that building
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Find something Red
Orange
Yellow
Green
Blue
Purple is always the hardest
5 things I see
4 things I hear
3 things I feel
TERROR
ANGER
numb
Come back!
Screaming inside while trying to maintain an otherwise calm demeanor.
Locked out of my lovely night
Flipping through a set of grounding technique keys trying to remember which one unlocks my "safe calm place"
Blank face counting my way back to the present.
Because there are some poems I was just not ready to hear.
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
I pledge allegiance
To my job
And to the 40 hour work week
And to the taxes
I must pay
Until one day
I retire
Feeling miserable
With a bad back
And most my good years gone
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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Kc Kennings Poem
Do not speak to me of freedoms lost
Until you have watched
A mother drop to her knees
And scream so loud
it comes out silent
And it is deafening
Because even though there is no breath
Left in her to carry the sound
Everything decibel of her grief
wraps itself around your throat
as you try desperately to remain serene
Knowing after that door is closed
Your news delivered
She will stare into a dark closet for hours
Wishing she could protect her baby
from the monsters out here as easily as the ones in there.
Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021
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