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Extinguisher

When I was 19 years old
I collapsed on my twin size collegiate bed
With my head in my hands
And I sobbed
Because for the first time in my shallow existence 
My carefully curated victim complex was shattered 
And I realized 
I
Was not a good person

Cross my heart and hope to die
Because I chose to screw my face in a permanent sneer at anyone who dared to get to close for my comfort zone

I wore my pain like armor 
Without realizing 
...that 
was heavy ...

And the walls I put up became my isolation chamber

And in a crowd of friends I was alone
Pity party for 1

And we can pit past against past
And play the world's longest game of
Who had it worse
And I though I was self-assured the gold medal in one-up-manship

But I was just smothering daisies 
Trying desperately to grow in the black tar cracks in my heart 

Running from sunshine

Still believing I'd find someone to be my light in the darkness I loved

As though it wasn't horrendously selfish
To expect my poor unfortunate soulmate to be the crutch I was hell bound to crush 

As though I could keep extinguishing the lights of others because I wanted my nights blackest black

Because life's colors hurt my eyes

Because the pain was comfortable when it was bottled up and binge drank like moonshine

I had become the world's best extinguisher 
Sour-faced joy-sucker
Begging for a light in my darkness 
Then snuffing it out again and again 
Always expecting someone else to 
Re-light it

And I'm here selling my soul to this microphone because I know I'm not the only professional extinguisher 
And it takes one to know one

So if you find yourself 
On a twin-sized bed with your head in your hands sobbing
Know

That dark
 will always lead to dawn
And you can learn to love yourself with the lights on

Copyright © Kc Kennings | Year Posted 2021

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