Extinguisher

When I was 19 years old I collapsed on my twin size collegiate bed With my head in my hands And I sobbed Because for the first time in my shallow existence My carefully curated victim complex was shattered And I realized I Was not a good person Cross my heart and hope to die Because I chose to screw my face in a permanent sneer at anyone who dared to get to close for my comfort zone I wore my pain like armor Without realizing ...that was heavy ... And the walls I put up became my isolation chamber And in a crowd of friends I was alone Pity party for 1 And we can pit past against past And play the world's longest game of Who had it worse And I though I was self-assured the gold medal in one-up-manship But I was just smothering daisies Trying desperately to grow in the black tar cracks in my heart Running from sunshine Still believing I'd find someone to be my light in the darkness I loved As though it wasn't horrendously selfish To expect my poor unfortunate soulmate to be the crutch I was hell bound to crush As though I could keep extinguishing the lights of others because I wanted my nights blackest black Because life's colors hurt my eyes Because the pain was comfortable when it was bottled up and binge drank like moonshine I had become the world's best extinguisher Sour-faced joy-sucker Begging for a light in my darkness Then snuffing it out again and again Always expecting someone else to Re-light it And I'm here selling my soul to this microphone because I know I'm not the only professional extinguisher And it takes one to know one So if you find yourself On a twin-sized bed with your head in your hands sobbing Know That dark will always lead to dawn And you can learn to love yourself with the lights on