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Alisa Chebotarevskaya Poem
‘are you okay?’ they ask, and i reply,
‘really, why are you worried? i swear, i’m fine.’
but i know that i’m really not okay
that this is all a mask, a pretty face
when in reality, i’m not all right
in fact, i’m actually quite messed up
everything feels so weird all the time
somehow, i always feel like i’m committing a crime
something is amiss, that much is clear
and if i had a choice, i’d rather not be here
i wish i was a cloud so i could fly
so i could soar into the sky
my books have more of myself in them
there’s only enough human in me to fill a finger
i’m not a person, but a something
or maybe even sometimes nothing
it sure feels like i’m an alien
why else would i feel like such a failure?
the guilt eats on me from inside my chest
and in my shameful silence i am but a guest
we stand together now
in my dreams, so fierce and proud
and if i can for just a moment stay
then let me never wake again
to this plane of existence
where everything’s so different
in my head, people are brave, have guts
to stand up, arms bare with no cuts
there are a lot of mental disorders
and i’m not saying i’m above them
but i don’t really relate to any
must everything have a label?
maybe i can pretend to be okay
and then everything will be just great
and if sometimes i might cry
then don’t worry, i swear, i’m fine
Copyright © Alisa Chebotarevskaya | Year Posted 2020
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Alisa Chebotarevskaya Poem
it happened again, another time, oh, damn
i opened too much, the flames inside i fanned
i showed too much of my madness
i'd rather you saw my not-so-secret sadness
you don't need to know that i'm insane
i'd rather not continue digging my own grave
it's slowed again, my air circulation
such panic at this revelation
by tomorrow, you'll all surely hate me
why am i like this? am i fated
to always mess it up? this chasm
between us, the anger, bitter sarcasm
every word i say comes out wrong
it's like a very off-key song
the way i speak, just so damn stupid
and i am, too, how I'm assuming
that you'll like something i said
that you'll grow to like me instead
Copyright © Alisa Chebotarevskaya | Year Posted 2020
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Alisa Chebotarevskaya Poem
"just wear a mask."
this is only happening in China
no need to get all scared right now
we'll be perfectly fine, duh
"just wear a mask."
i'm so happy they're quarantining us
a week off school for us
really, no need to make a fuss
"just wear a mask."
you know, maybe, i will
even though it suffocates me
this now seems more real
"just wear a mask."
as i'm buying me more food
yeah, perhaps i should
or i'll get sick, i would
locked up in our homes
when social interaction is a no
i am willing to complete my only task
just wear a goddamn mask
Copyright © Alisa Chebotarevskaya | Year Posted 2020
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Alisa Chebotarevskaya Poem
the world moves around me so fast
words and phrases I can't grasp
faces I never will remember
doors I cannot ever enter
love I'll never again feel
dreams that never will be real
numbers, too many to count
a sky in which I'll drown
beauty, to never again see
a heart that'll never again beat
my state, to not return
my fire, to never again burn
i dont care for their provocations
these meaningless conversations
this world is way too overwhelming
and I'm not buying what they're selling
can't help but think that i am done
a moment and my time has come
this silence is so loud
I'm flying to the clouds
Copyright © Alisa Chebotarevskaya | Year Posted 2020
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Alisa Chebotarevskaya Poem
the mirror stands in front of me
i look at it, it scares me
the person staring back at me
isn’t someone i want to be
she has cuts, i have scars
i am near and she is far
i am hers, but she’s not mine
i feel good and she is fine
i am nice, but she is not
i’m alive, she’s left to rot
i will fight, but she will cry
she is wrong and i am right
she’s a ghost and i’m a person
but now i feel our roles reversing
suddenly, i am the bad guy
i feel my world start to divide
there’s her, and then there’s me
but one and the same we’ll always be
i try to hide her, try to win
but she is strong, i might give in
Copyright © Alisa Chebotarevskaya | Year Posted 2020
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