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Alan Ford Poem
Advice to Harvard Students.
if you pour boiling oil
on your babies head
wait until the oil price has gone down.
if you undress in a public toilet
you may meet Piers Morgan
or the police may join in.
if you steal a computer
you'll have to take it back in the morning
for a Windows technology update.
if you want to attack an athiest,
don't worry. He'll tell the police
you don't exist.
if you decide to block the sidewalk
remember hookers, perverts and Jeremy Clarkson
have a right to walk on it too.
if you are arrested by an FBI agent
refuse to tell him
where Virginia is.
if you climb up Big Ben
to check your watch,
remember it's being repaired.
if you take a vacation in Saudi Arabia
don't forget to take
your own chain saw.
if you cross out the Samaritans
telephone number in the directory
insert your own number instead.
if you meet a nudist in the street
don't park your bike
between his buttocks.
if you give an intellectual
an I Q test use a chimp
as a control group.
if you meet President Trump
don't hold up a placard saying
serial killers begin here.
if you find an open coffin
who would you like to see in it?
Boris Karloff or Boris Johnson.
Copyright © Alan Ford | Year Posted 2020
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Details |
Alan Ford Poem
I'm in a tight spot
this guns for hire
sure it spits fire
but only six shots
I'm in nightmare alley
down a side street
I see a red light
no black angel's in sight
there's no place to pray
no sacred way
just a frightened city
a place with no pity
I'm not a big shot
I got no big deal
I'm just illegal
looking to steal
the cops had me cornered
it's my last day
no reasonable doubt
no chance of a stay
the big house wants me
I want to live
it's time to quit
for the law won't forgive
this is my story
crime ain't no glory
just a public defender
my case out to tender
high walls of San Quintin
they hem me in
just a high window
no visits from kin
I can't tell a lie
each dawn I die
behind locked doors
but the damned don't cry
I'm for the big sleep
I'm feeling the heat
it's time for the pay-off
my maker to meet
Copyright © Alan Ford | Year Posted 2020
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Details |
Alan Ford Poem
Film Noirs dead
But the voiceover's in my head
it tells of ash-can alleys
and dingy motels
pulp magazines tell their own tales
I'm in a dark corner
I'm waiting for you
for a kiss before dying
that's all I can do
there are lonely places
long goodbyes
short hello's and deserted streets
in the city that never sleeps
I'm down and out
fallen woman at my feet
these urban streets
bring death on the cheap
there are victims of fate
no one's safe
nobody prays
in these dark days
in the dead of night
everyone lies
kiss tomorrow goodbye
it's three in the morning
and somebody dies
leaves blow in the gutter
there's no light or shade
just our love
starting to fade
there are no more heroes
no one to trust
that's why I lost you
love lies in the dust
come back film noir
now I walk alone
neon lights flash
so the whole town knows
that I want you back
the whole town knows
that I want you back
Copyright © Alan Ford | Year Posted 2020
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Details |
Alan Ford Poem
Getting younger every day
being old not required.
N.B. Explanatory book titles
for Yale students below.
Teenager: When I threw up
in the road.
Toddler: How I destroyed
the living room.
Baby: Look! I pooed in
the potty.
Foetus: My lonely life
in the womb.
Egg: My years waiting
for sperm.
Microbe: Infecting
President Trump.
Copyright © Alan Ford | Year Posted 2020
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