Appearances
The distress... fatigue, combined with restlessness, tossing, and turning. Assuming I possess more energy than I truly do because what is worse, exhausting oneself or lying there, depleted? Many of us meet our end wishing we had remained true to ourselves. At the very least, I desire this aspect of me to persist until the very end. "Not everyone dies peacefully" - what is the intended significance behind this statement? It is not particularly profound, merely a thought process I had long ago as a child. I was involved in an accident, for which absolutely no one else but myself was to blame. My body was covered in bruises and cuts, and the doctor said the healing process would take at least a month, perhaps even longer. As a child, I believed that as long as I was alive, I would bounce back and be as good as new. Plus, I would have an entire month off from school to play games, watch TV, and sleep all day. It may have been a flawed mindset, but the tradeoff... I deemed it worthwhile. I was, however, naive. The pain was excruciating, and I had an aversion to strong medication that would keep me drowsy all day. My paranoia led me to believe that it would eventually kill me, perhaps by making me sleep and then preventing me from waking up. Therefore, I settled for ibuprofen and Tylenol. That is when I realized that I would not have a peaceful death. Back then, I despised myself. I was in a terrible state, and I did not want anyone to witness it. Consequently, I had my mother practically hand-deliver everything I needed. I cannot recall how long it took, but perhaps it was the realization that when things become challenging, we do not always get our way. That is, after all, the very reason why it is challenging in the first place. I went from a cheerful vacation to unbearable pain, and my frustration got the best of me. In those moments, instead of being grateful for my mother's care, I was annoyed and entitled. It seems like you have a point to make with this story, but you are taking quite some time to get there. What I am trying to convey is that if I am angry now, that is it - I will die angry. So, for now, I will smile. Let me pose a question to you: would you prefer others to cry or smile until the end? I have always been raised to believe in a higher power, so clearly we are meant to smile. However, it does not always seem to happen that way. If I had to choose, I honestly believe that they are equally difficult. I mean, let's be honest, you are barely holding on, your eyes are growing weary, anxiety is overwhelming you, and slowly your eyelids close, leaving only the sound of tears... What I fear is the approach of death, not death itself. On the other hand, we have smiles. Again, do not misunderstand me, there is no right or wrong answer, but I don't know... The fear that I am experiencing, combined with the anxiety of knowing but not knowing when, and having people acting "calm" - it would not bring me any comfort at all. We cannot both put on a facade; I need you to be genuine with me... It is just that I am looking at the time, and I cannot tell if my eyes are simply not focusing as they should or if it is finally drawing closer to that time. Yet, here I am, in a hospital room with people ready to burst into tears, maintaining a smile, keeping up appearances, while the butterflies in my stomach make me feel nauseous. My anxiety is off the charts because I know, yet do not know, when my time will be up. I am angry and frustrated, twisting and turning my head as if to say, "I am here - I am here, begging for help." I do not want to cry, but the tears just keep flowing down my face. And I am smiling, but inside, it hurts. It just hurts. I am screaming and yelling, kicking and punching, but the waves are too overpowering this time. I recall hating swimming because diving beneath the water's pressure gives me headaches, yet I find joy in it. I contemplate diving on one side, while the other side screams, "No!" Yet, I find pleasure in it, and the warm sun, that warm body on top of mine, continues to scream for me, as my silent screams transform into silence... altogether.
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Toxic Rapper
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