To My Estranged Mother from a Hurt Daughter
Mom, I am sorry.
I am sorry I did not call you.
I am sorry I did not text.
I am sorry I cannot have a relationship with you for what you call my “selfish reasons.”
Mom, I miss you, but I cannot talk to you.
Every time I reached out to you, I thought you would be better, and every time,?you?let me down.
Maybe it is me, I should lower my expectations.
You never could stay sober though; you made promises you knew you could not keep.
You told me you were doing better, but you lied and lied.
It's almost like you don't want to be sober. As if you prefer being alone.
Like you choose to not want to go to graduations and birthday parties.
I am so tired of being the girl who cries for you,
I am so tired of pretending I am fine,
I am so tired of faking a smile, even though everything you do is killing me from the inside out.
You always expected me to take your side.
I was expected to clean up your messes at ten years old.
You were supposed to be my adult, my best friend, my protector. I had to be that for myself.
You failed me.
I was too young to keep up with you. I was too young to be an adult.
I was yelled at and guilted when I told you how I felt.
You were so focused on yourself and your pain that you forgot about me. I was hurting too.
Mom, I love you, but it hurts.
It hurts to watch your life crumble and not be able to do anything about it.
It hurts to watch you hurt yourself.
It hurts to know that you are hurting.
It hurts to look back and remember the good times when they were spoiled by all the bad.
Momma, I miss you, but I do not miss the current you.
I miss the you that was there for me.
The you that encouraged me.
I miss the you who would cook for me and take care of me when I was sick,
The you that was my mother.
Mom, I miss you, I love you, I am sorry.
Copyright ©
Lisa Costanza Waters
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