Like Water
Like water
I was the river
You were the sea
I dissolved into you
And thought I was free.
Out of the cage I flew
But landed on my knees
As I tried to flee
The heavy clouds
And storms, of responsibility
Your love
Was like the Atlantic
When the tide is in,
Tension and release,
Waves dancing
Sometimes wild, joyful, passionate,
Sometimes soft, steady
Or playful.
The sun above
Warm, and friendly,
Reflected in your eyes.
But when your tide went out:
Only miles of barren sand
No trees, no fish or birds,
So far away
I can’t even hear whispers of ripples
And I need my memory
And photographs
To remind me of who you and WE are.
When will the tide turn?
Days? Weeks? Months?
I never knew and neither did you,
It feels like your Ocean
Seems to be governed
With nothing that I know
And I feel lost, pain and confused.
But with you I practiced
Patience and trust
How to wait - always hard for me.
My love is like a river
Changing, unpredictable
Sometimes shallow
Sometimes deep
Sometimes moody and murky,
Sometimes clear
Sometimes wild and euphoric
Sometimes slow,
Fed by the rain,
Sometimes a flood
Sometimes just a trickle
But never dry,
Often mysterious,
But always constant
And always flowing.
But now the tide is so far out
It seems that it has left forever,
Where there was a gentle ebb and flow
Now, just a dried out plain
And as the wind blows,
Not even footprints in the sand.
My river is still flowing
But no direction home,
Wandering aimlessly
Searching for union
With the sea.
No longer joyful
But sad and monotonous
As it weaves it’s weary way
Day after day.
But from you
I learned to practice
Patience and trust -
Still so hard for me.
Sometimes
The ferocious waters are so loud
Like a hailstorm
Beating on roofs
And cars
And I shake with fear,
And get lost in waves of darkness
And grief
That fills endless days
And restless nights.
And too often think that maybe
This is all there is
And can’t hear Osho
Or Eckhart
And others, when they repeat
Again and again - especially
For fools like me:
“Like the weather,
This too will pass”.
Like a Gollum
Trapped in a virtual world,
Ten times I doggedly wade through Facebook
Sucked in, but but not even knowing
What I am looking for,
A friend maybe?
Ten times I read the news
And drown my pain,
In the suffering of refugees
And horror of war.
Ten times I watch YouTube
And I laugh,
Though my laughter is shallow
Like a puddle.
My four walls
And the window
Of my computer
Start to feel like a prison
And I go outside
And feel the living green grass
Under my feet.
The breeze that strokes my face
Cooling my fever
And dissolving the red mist,
So that I sense the Moon
As she tenderly pulls invisible strings
And directs the distant flow of the tides.
Can again can hear the whisper
On the wind
Which says:
“Where have you been?”
Gently reminding me
To breathe in my heart,
Only then do I start
To faintly hear the murmur of the river
Still there,
Right now just a trickle,
But fed and watered
By the rain of my tears
And again I understand
That when I listen to the storm
In my head
I get hypnotically drawn
Into the repetitive, seductive
Voices of blame and regret,
Or like a programmed robot,
When I try to fill the emptiness
With things like
Fish & chips, chocolate and coca cola,
My belly is bloated,
And feel happeee, nervously awae
Satisfied for a short while,
Though later, almost drown
In waves of remorse and guilt
And even hungrier than before.
The precious gift you gave,
Remains
And I keep practicing
Patience and trust
(Though still so hard for me),
Because I know that’s the way
To return to my river
And find peace.
As I unlock the door
To release the stagnant pools of the past,
I have keys to open
The mysteries of the present.
As I manage to turn away
from the noise for a moment,
I feel
Small dewdrops of gratitude
Moistening dried out soil,
Slowly refilling the wells
Deep in my body, bones and cells.
Be like water
Said my teacher and mentor
Because it always flows and descends,
In the depths you will access and enter
The source of that which never ends
In the still lake of your soul.
And the Magnolias and Roses
Open and unfold
And again start,
To release their fragrance
In the garden of your heart.
Sangeet Portals, August 2023
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