Like Water

Like water I was the river You were the sea I dissolved into you And thought I was free. Out of the cage I flew But landed on my knees As I tried to flee The heavy clouds And storms, of responsibility Your love Was like the Atlantic When the tide is in, Tension and release, Waves dancing Sometimes wild, joyful, passionate, Sometimes soft, steady Or playful. The sun above Warm, and friendly, Reflected in your eyes. But when your tide went out: Only miles of barren sand No trees, no fish or birds, So far away I can’t even hear whispers of ripples And I need my memory And photographs To remind me of who you and WE are. When will the tide turn? Days? Weeks? Months? I never knew and neither did you, It feels like your Ocean Seems to be governed With nothing that I know And I feel lost, pain and confused. But with you I practiced Patience and trust How to wait - always hard for me. My love is like a river Changing, unpredictable Sometimes shallow Sometimes deep Sometimes moody and murky, Sometimes clear Sometimes wild and euphoric Sometimes slow, Fed by the rain, Sometimes a flood Sometimes just a trickle But never dry, Often mysterious, But always constant And always flowing. But now the tide is so far out It seems that it has left forever, Where there was a gentle ebb and flow Now, just a dried out plain And as the wind blows, Not even footprints in the sand. My river is still flowing But no direction home, Wandering aimlessly Searching for union With the sea. No longer joyful But sad and monotonous As it weaves it’s weary way Day after day. But from you I learned to practice Patience and trust - Still so hard for me. Sometimes The ferocious waters are so loud Like a hailstorm Beating on roofs And cars And I shake with fear, And get lost in waves of darkness And grief That fills endless days And restless nights. And too often think that maybe This is all there is And can’t hear Osho Or Eckhart And others, when they repeat Again and again - especially For fools like me: “Like the weather, This too will pass”. Like a Gollum Trapped in a virtual world, Ten times I doggedly wade through Facebook Sucked in, but but not even knowing What I am looking for, A friend maybe? Ten times I read the news And drown my pain, In the suffering of refugees And horror of war. Ten times I watch YouTube And I laugh, Though my laughter is shallow Like a puddle. My four walls And the window Of my computer Start to feel like a prison And I go outside And feel the living green grass Under my feet. The breeze that strokes my face Cooling my fever And dissolving the red mist, So that I sense the Moon As she tenderly pulls invisible strings And directs the distant flow of the tides. Can again can hear the whisper On the wind Which says: “Where have you been?” Gently reminding me To breathe in my heart, Only then do I start To faintly hear the murmur of the river Still there, Right now just a trickle, But fed and watered By the rain of my tears And again I understand That when I listen to the storm In my head I get hypnotically drawn Into the repetitive, seductive Voices of blame and regret, Or like a programmed robot, When I try to fill the emptiness With things like Fish & chips, chocolate and coca cola, My belly is bloated, And feel happeee, nervously awae Satisfied for a short while, Though later, almost drown In waves of remorse and guilt And even hungrier than before. The precious gift you gave, Remains And I keep practicing Patience and trust (Though still so hard for me), Because I know that’s the way To return to my river And find peace. As I unlock the door To release the stagnant pools of the past, I have keys to open The mysteries of the present. As I manage to turn away from the noise for a moment, I feel Small dewdrops of gratitude Moistening dried out soil, Slowly refilling the wells Deep in my body, bones and cells. Be like water Said my teacher and mentor Because it always flows and descends, In the depths you will access and enter The source of that which never ends In the still lake of your soul. And the Magnolias and Roses Open and unfold And again start, To release their fragrance In the garden of your heart. Sangeet Portals, August 2023