Colin the Caped Cabbie
Colin is a cabby with a proper taxi cab
He drives for all the passengers an Uber didn’t grab
Which means he has a lot of time to kill most every day
And lots of evil folk to deal with if they come his way
Now there’s no standard uniform for London’s black cab drivers
But smart is best for when your driving London’s duck and divers
So Colin tells his passengers, “It’s just my jolly jape.”
But there are reasons - more profound - that Colin wears a cape.
One day in Hatton Garden he picked up a jewel collector
Who asked him what the button does that simply says ‘Ejector’
Colin said, “It should say ‘Exit’, but, Sir, please don’t ask
why I’ve got this cape on… and this funny little mask.”
The passenger just shook his head and said, “You’re kinda nuts,
And I ain’t gonna pay ya, and there’ll be no ifs and buts.”
Well Colin had been rather frugal with the actual truth
He simply pressed ‘Ejector’ and the man shot through the roof.
Now Colin felt quite guilty for the man’s timing was poor
To hail a cab whose driver is a sidekick of the law
Not a sidekick anyone had ever seen before
But someone who the comic superheroes would abhor.
His latest ‘flying passenger’ with spectacles askew
Stood there at his window and said, “I’m gonna ‘pay’ you.”
He grabbed the handle of the door and chided Colin’s suit
So Colin flipped a switch that had the word ‘Electrocute’.
The man became an X-ray and he crumpled to the ground
And then the taxi’s radio relayed the secret sound
Three short beeps meant he would be a cabbie redeployed
And so he called the station with the call sign he employed
“Pick-up Percy calling Peter Plod; you rang my bell?”
Peter Plod said, “There’s a villain out to bring us hell.”
Colin scoffed, “So point me to the man who’s raised your ire,
And I shall flick my switch and tell the world, ‘I’m not for hire’.”
*
Jonny ‘Ding Dong’ Bell could steal the very fire from Hell
And should the Devil stay his hand he’d steal his horns as well
So robbing every bank in town was quite a simple start
For Ding Dong had a plan in mind which was a work of art
Medics use it, as have many felons through the years
Nitroglycerin will only ever lead to tears
But should it pour from every faucet right throughout the town
It’s headaches, poops and nausea but don’t you dare fall down
So, that’s the plan and Ding Dong has the whole thing well in hand
He’s bribed or killed the ‘water workers’ just as he had planned
Explosive liquid seeps from barrels into reservoirs
And Ding Dong has advised police of how much he requires
One or two gazillion pounds or something thereabouts
And he will tell police about the barrels’ whereabouts
The problem is, it’s snowing - sidewalk friction is eroding
And everywhere you care to look there’s citizens exploding
*
Colin grabbed his smart phone and was soon tapping away
He quickly typed a word that isn’t used that much each day
‘Nitroglycerin’ - the word that’s used infrequently
So finding who had searched the word would tell him where to be
It only took a second for an address to appear
A place that Colin hadn’t been for so many a year
See, once he was a traffic cop with many tickets written
One stormy night he stopped a taxi… that’s when he got bitten
Then jagged lightning struck him like a frenzied neon jab
He gained an overwhelming urge to drive a taxi cab
The ‘vampire’ taxi driver was now nowhere to be seen
You can’t go biting coppers… but his getaway was clean
Colin kept on ‘Traffic Copping’ for a little longer
But gave in to compulsions that were growing ever stronger
His physique was improving too - he had been rather flabby
But man must do what man must do… so he became a cabbie.
But that could not be dwelt upon for action was required
And someone had to do the things society desired
The roads were not conducive to a speedy race through town
And so he flicked some switches as his foot went slowly down
He drove with care and little haste to hunt a man corrupted
And flinched when someone slipped on ice and half the street erupted
Colin cursed the ice and snow for thwarting his advance
But grinned from ear to ear, for he would make that sucker dance
Glancing from the road to dashboard and then back again
He noted switch positions just to satisfy his brain
Forward missiles primed to fire, tear gas set to go
Grappling hook in readiness and oil-slick set to flow
Fire breathing headlamps to incinerate the crook
Ready to be activated… like the taser hook
Ejector seat sits waiting for it trigger to be tripped
The tar and feather cannon waits for those who must be dipped
Colin’s grin was laid aside when walkers on his right
Were walking on banana skins and wouldn’t see tonight
He had to keep on driving for his destination neared
Whilst in his rear view mirror… the explosion that he feared
*
In a warehouse by the river, Ding Dong sat and waited
For the call that he had eagerly anticipated
A call to make him richer than the richest of the rich
The silence of his phone told him his plan was in a ditch
But he was Jonny ‘Ding Dong’ and you shouldn’t get him wrong
He’ll look the world right in the eye and calmly say, “So long.”
So Jonny Ding-Dong set about his most unlawful task
Until a taxi cab arrived for which he didn’t ask……
Copyright ©
Terry Flood
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