|
| |
Beautiful Girls
I see the way your body dances through the halls of our home, how dirty you are. dirty little girl.
My teacher said this is not what we do. Mom tells me this is bad.
They’re wrong. Beautiful girls get lied to.
Dad tells me not to do these things.
This is because he does not love you. Beautiful girls get lied to.
Daddy said he loves me.
He doesn’t. Beautiful girls get lied to.
This hurts.
there is blood. but he cleans it up and makes it better.
Tommy at school said I’m ugly.
You are beautiful. I see how beautiful you are. Beautiful girls get lied to.
Why am I beautiful?
Look at your body. See this? This is beautiful. I will show you how to feel beautiful.
Beauty hurts.
No, it doesn’t. I will teach you to love being beautiful. Then it won’t hurt anymore.
everything hurts. mommy and the doctors say it’s a uti.
Someone said I was fat today. I cried at recess.
You are not fat. You are beautiful. Beautiful girls get lied to.
it happens. again.
I have to tell Mommy. It hurts me. My pants are red now.
It will hurt more if you tell Mommy. Do you want it to hurt more?
…no.
i
forget
everything.
the aftermath.
the shower scalds me. but i like it. It makes me feel… beautiful. i think my beauty needs to burn.
my papercuts feel good now. i scrape my skin off and i’m euphoric.
i don’t cry anymore. because i am a beautiful girl.
now i dream
a gun to my head and i pull the trigger and i laugh. I feel… complete.
i turn pain killers into brain killers and it stings and it’s fantastic.
and when the nurse sticks the needle in the fluid is cold and burns my veins and i inhale the toxins and everything is i don’t quite know but it feels good and i feel beautiful.
i eat enough for a beautiful family and i stop moving because everything starts to slow down
and i see my reflection in a tear my eye sprinkles onto my phone.
i am not beautiful anymore.
i’m ugly and disgusting and it feels like perfection to me and it’s a phenom of it’s own an inexplicable shooting star and i am happy.
happy that i am ugly.
because no one will ever lie again to the ugly girl.
and i think i can tell mom and dad now
but i don’t.
because i crave my beauty. my crown of thorns, my soul on fire. i need to be beautiful again.
this pain is now comfort my hurt is my shield and the blood on my body is my armor.
i need to be a beautiful girl
this feeling is carnal and i eat to feed my insatiability.
i stay in agonizing silence because
Beautiful girls lie.
Copyright ©
Oliver Chu
|
|