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The Fixation
Fixated on the chemistry of it the human brain
the sudden chemical imbalances that surge a
sudden quickening of memories stored forgotten
carefully store in an attic between boxes of brain
matter manifested over time wondering if someday
they could be unpacked finally used as some sort
of memory foundation an yet sudden emotions
seems to shatter the system of ones own thinking
skills driven by an unthinkable realization of being
water boarded tortured simply to release images
finally experiencing sessions after sessions talk
therapy physical therapy occupational therapy
medication management because who truly wants
to remember wearing wires pregnant for the FBI
buying weapons and drugs from junk sick cops
sweating eyes glaring hands shaking revolver damp
you watch the barrel you can't take your eyes off
his finger on the trigger do as he ask be seated
be quiet listen don't speak he's so afraid of you
why you've entered a hostage situation FBI is parked
with four of your children listening to the wire tap
your heart pounding out your chest your fetus kick a
quickening don't respond don't rub your belly keep
your eyes on this junk sick man maybe six feet tall
sweat dripping he wipes his forehead glares out the
window who you with whose out there are you
wearing a wire you know you can't leave out HE SAID
NOBODY LEAVE OUT whispering you understand what
I'm saying i nod yes sir i do suddenly a lump in my
throat like hot lava i can't speak my lips trembling
so i swallow fear it tasted like sweat gun power
blood tears my mind quickly goes to choo choo
charlie was an engineer a good and plenty commercial
watching from a giant zenith television in my head
then you should have a Hubert doll the old Harris bank
logo my mind began to drift again weeping willow tree
I'm skipping through our lady of the gardens watching
the cardinals when he slams his revolver on the counter
my eyes fixated on his my heart pounding dealers
and killers crowding my space my fetus moves I want
to hold my belly but I can't show human emotions not
here human emotions shows fear i swallow the lump in
my throat again he's going to kill me I'll never see my
children again I'll never meet my unborn child i feel
dirty like a rat infested by all the germs corruption
and organized crime of the city the wires around my
baby began to itch they feel warm i wonder if the
baby can hear the conversations like the FBI parked
is this why she's moving so much the voices travel
through a strong frequency in my womb an ultra
sound of voices i start thinking the fetus is being
harm maybe hurt by the sound traveling inside my
womb are you okay i nod i am okay i wasn't okay
neither was my fetus i felt something evil cross my
womb guilt as though i was aborting my fetus by
wearing these wires around my womb it was then
the mental break begun but i had to be strong i had
to hide all emotions swallow fear until i leave out
of this hostage situation who was i why i am an
American mom on the frontline of the war on weapons
and drugs in America i have to survive to save my kids
those agents parked and myself this would take an
enormous toil once i finally made it out began to
breathe cry scream fixated on saving my mind is
broken into nervous breakdown coping comes at
a strange price sometimes reliving traumatic events
every single day of your life night terrors isolation
agoraphobia you feel so unsafe it's very draining you
crawl you walk you stand all the right things to survive
that was when killers and dealers located me began
shooting in my home to extort my American poetry
to give to a corrupt officers niece for revenge my
punishment for wearing wires for the FBI very traumatic
witnessing my killers death right at my feet an yet I
needed to survive my mind needed to survive comfort
support system stay calm peaceful smelling citrus
sunshine day the clouds were so clear when wham
car bomb crushed my skull am I dead no stay with
me focus my mind fixated on the way the sun shined
above the American flag fixated on surviving my murders
GOD BLESS THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS AND
GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Copyright ©
Yolanda Nicholsen
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