The Fixation

Fixated on the chemistry of it the human brain the sudden chemical imbalances that surge a sudden quickening of memories stored forgotten carefully store in an attic between boxes of brain matter manifested over time wondering if someday they could be unpacked finally used as some sort of memory foundation an yet sudden emotions seems to shatter the system of ones own thinking skills driven by an unthinkable realization of being water boarded tortured simply to release images finally experiencing sessions after sessions talk therapy physical therapy occupational therapy medication management because who truly wants to remember wearing wires pregnant for the FBI buying weapons and drugs from junk sick cops sweating eyes glaring hands shaking revolver damp you watch the barrel you can't take your eyes off his finger on the trigger do as he ask be seated be quiet listen don't speak he's so afraid of you why you've entered a hostage situation FBI is parked with four of your children listening to the wire tap your heart pounding out your chest your fetus kick a quickening don't respond don't rub your belly keep your eyes on this junk sick man maybe six feet tall sweat dripping he wipes his forehead glares out the window who you with whose out there are you wearing a wire you know you can't leave out HE SAID NOBODY LEAVE OUT whispering you understand what I'm saying i nod yes sir i do suddenly a lump in my throat like hot lava i can't speak my lips trembling so i swallow fear it tasted like sweat gun power blood tears my mind quickly goes to choo choo charlie was an engineer a good and plenty commercial watching from a giant zenith television in my head then you should have a Hubert doll the old Harris bank logo my mind began to drift again weeping willow tree I'm skipping through our lady of the gardens watching the cardinals when he slams his revolver on the counter my eyes fixated on his my heart pounding dealers and killers crowding my space my fetus moves I want to hold my belly but I can't show human emotions not here human emotions shows fear i swallow the lump in my throat again he's going to kill me I'll never see my children again I'll never meet my unborn child i feel dirty like a rat infested by all the germs corruption and organized crime of the city the wires around my baby began to itch they feel warm i wonder if the baby can hear the conversations like the FBI parked is this why she's moving so much the voices travel through a strong frequency in my womb an ultra sound of voices i start thinking the fetus is being harm maybe hurt by the sound traveling inside my womb are you okay i nod i am okay i wasn't okay neither was my fetus i felt something evil cross my womb guilt as though i was aborting my fetus by wearing these wires around my womb it was then the mental break begun but i had to be strong i had to hide all emotions swallow fear until i leave out of this hostage situation who was i why i am an American mom on the frontline of the war on weapons and drugs in America i have to survive to save my kids those agents parked and myself this would take an enormous toil once i finally made it out began to breathe cry scream fixated on saving my mind is broken into nervous breakdown coping comes at a strange price sometimes reliving traumatic events every single day of your life night terrors isolation agoraphobia you feel so unsafe it's very draining you crawl you walk you stand all the right things to survive that was when killers and dealers located me began shooting in my home to extort my American poetry to give to a corrupt officers niece for revenge my punishment for wearing wires for the FBI very traumatic witnessing my killers death right at my feet an yet I needed to survive my mind needed to survive comfort support system stay calm peaceful smelling citrus sunshine day the clouds were so clear when wham car bomb crushed my skull am I dead no stay with me focus my mind fixated on the way the sun shined above the American flag fixated on surviving my murders GOD BLESS THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS AND GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA