Long Funnywork Poems
Long Funnywork Poems. Below are the most popular long Funnywork by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Funnywork poems by poem length and keyword.
Duct Tape Will Fix Most Anything
By Elton Camp
It’s one of the most versatile products I’ve seen
Duct tape, whether it’s gray, brown or even green
Any cracked tiles you don’t really need to replace
A bit of sticky tape will hold them right in place
Is your radiator hose getting about ready to burst?
It won’t, as long as you wrap it with duct tape first
And if you’ve got a slit in your car’s vinyl seat
A piece of duct tape will close it up ever so neat
If your throw rugs are always trying to scoot around
Duct tape the bottom to keep them were they’re found
It will hold electric extension cords down to the floor
So that you can walk and not trip over them any more
It’ll also hold electric wires together after a splice
Wider than electrical tape so that it work so nice
If the rearview mirror should try to drop from the car,
Duct tape will keep it from drooping down quite so far
If your brother’s visiting child is noisy as well as cute
It can work quite well to put the odious brat on mute
An envelope it will seal up very secure and tight
In case the taste of glue isn’t exactly your delight
It will easily close up a partial bag of potato chips
In case the bag isn’t one of the type that zips
If the batteries in the TV remote control pop out,
Duct tape will safely hold them in without a doubt
And anytime that your shoe laces happen to break
Just keep your shoes fastened with some duct tape
If the dryer should leave some lint on your clothes,
Don’t need a brush, duct tape works better than those
If your old car has, in spots, completely rusted through
Then some pieces of duct is all you need to make do
If the heel of your sock has grown a lot too thin,
Duct tape will make it just like new once again
If suspicions of your wife’s trust you have felt
Then it will make an emergency chastity belt
But one thing the manufacturer truly does feel
Is that any leaking duct work it won’t much seal
Demons Beware: New Exorcists Being Trained
By Elton Camp
Evil demons will soon be on the run
Training of new exorcists has begun
A secret conference held in Baltimore
Prepared more exorcists than before
Rite of exorcism not many could do
The demand is too much for so few
The ceremony itself is easy enough
Knowing when to use it is so tough
First, the priest must know how to tell
If the person’s crazy or a child of hell
If it is a psychiatrist they are needing
Or if a devil on their soul is feeding
Some pedophile priests who boys molest
May claim of demons they’re possessed
“From any guilt or blame I must eschew.
It was a horror that the devil made me do.”
An untrained priest may make a mistake
And the wrong expulsion then undertake
The sight of the cross drives demon away?
Or is it some garlic that won’t let him stay?
Or a silver bullet, is that the weapon I need?
Or is it a stake through the heart to succeed?
It brings the priest a whole lot of scary alarm
Lest he should come to use the wrong charm
What if he drives the wicked demon away,
But it jumps inside the good priest to stay?
Will holy water work to drive the demon out
So that the spirit will cry for mercy and shout?
When enough priests have been trained to meet need
The demons will lose their control with much speed
“The devil made me do it” won’t work well anymore
And people their own decisions will have to deplore
Since recruiting new priests has come to be a chore
Low pay and celibacy aren’t quite enough anymore
Then a priest in black, thru the country roving about
Throwing out devils will appeal to many, no doubt
They will be able to stop the victim’s bed from shaking
Projectile vomiting the priest will no longer be taking
Even now, the evil demons must be quaking in fear
The awful day of their doom is drawing ever so near.
Now Santa"s elves are busy
they"re making lots of toys
and other pretty things
for all you girls and boys.
But the bloody truth is!
Their hours are long and hard,
the heatings on the blink.
Some bastard stole the plug
from out the restroom sink.
The toilet seat is cracked
it really is a sin.
The loo roll it is rationed
and is to bloody thin.
The Canteen menus awful
the choices very bland
and as for healthy eating
it is the saddest in the land.
The reindeer are abusive,
foul tempered and quite bad.
They all like interbreeding
no wonder they are mad.
Santa is no better
he"s always at the drink.
Then grins at all the elves
and gives a wicked wink.
The elves don"t have a Union,
they have never known the like.
So don"t take them for granted
they never go on strike.
But they have a sponsor,
like a cracker has a joke.
One that"s really big
a company that makes Coke.
At breaks they get a can
and a selection box of sweeties.
It is no wonder then
they"ve no teeth and diabetes.
So when you get your present
just take a Mo and sit
and dont take it for granted
you ungrateful little git!
For hard work is not easy,
so don"t you bloody scoff.
Those elves are nearly eunuchs
they work their balls right off!
and why?
So you can be so happy
when it is Christmas day,
they do it all for nothing
what more can I say.
Let"s hear it for the elves
for all the work this year
and thank your lucky stars
YOU dont have pointed ears!
The elves have left the building.
Thankyouverymuch.
Form:
oh cinderella a dream many girls wish
fit that glass slipper
and ended with a kiss
happily ever after
the story fortold
but what happen after
a story unknown
see i ran into her
the other day at the store
she told me horrors of her life before
and how her soul mate
was gay
See she wasnt mad at him
but why marry her if neither of them win
but then she left the castle
to an apartment downtown
she had no work experience
so she downgraded down south
she was on welfare
angry as a bee
she had no money to buy anything
then things got worse
when she couldnt get not one wish
she called her godmother
but found out she was just a witch
she had no other choice
she was stuck where she was
so she moved back in with her stepmother
who didnt change at all
Her stepmother
yelled and screamed
and once again she did everything
But then she said she found a guy
she was in love
to her surprise
she got pregnant
she was happy indeed
but then he left her
with a baby to feed
When she went to her stepmother
she wouldnt alow both
so back to welfare she goes
now here she is with a child and no job
wishing for some happily ever after
she says it can happen again
but oh cinderella
the story is done
life just didnt work out for you hun!
*NO offense was/is intended to ANYONE*
Form:
She Gets Off From Work at Five
By Elton Camp
Quitting time is still three hours away
I wish she didn’t have that long to stay
The breakfast she fixed is now long gone
And my stomach begins to growl & groan
All day, I had nothing but chips and beer
So I sure wish she’d hurry up and get here
I don’t want you to think that I’m a grouch,
But it gets so tiresome laying on the couch
Besides, my wife is a slob, both lazy and mean
She don’t keep stuff fixed and the house clean
It’s hard for me to keep out the blowing rain
Cause she won’t fixed the broken window pane
But I guess I’ll let her get by doing this way
Especially on Friday since that’s our payday
I hear they are now hiring late shift at the mills
She should take a second job to pay the bills
But she is gonna have to leave time between
Until to the cooking of my dinner she has seen
Then she can go to the mill and work a while
But when she gets home, I expect to see a smile
I don’t want to hear no more of that tired stuff
And how at work she has had it oh so tough
When I am in the mood for a little romance,
I don’t want to hear excuses or no song & dance
For a picture of this husband, go to
http://www.scribd.com/doc/57809698/She-Gets-Off-From-Work-at-Five
I've recorded the song, which you can hear here:
I did vocals and guitar - Sung to the tune of "We Can Work it Out"
What a TV Show
American Idol
There’s so many loonies seeking fortune
and fame
But I’m suicidal
Paula Abdul’s gone and Ellen’s just not the same
What a tv show!
What a tv show!
Some of them have talent
Many more are fruitcakes who love to screech
and howl
Oh so brave and gallant
‘Til they’re subjected to the snide remarks of
Simon Cowell
What a tv show!
What a tv show!
For every Clay Aiken, 10,000 Sanjayas
Are making an awful sound
You’re much mistaken if your burning desire’s
To hear Larry sing “Pants on the Ground”
Can I find a reason
To withstand my co-workers gentle rebukes
Yet every season
I tune in for more zany crazy tone deaf kooks
What a tv show!
What a tv show!
For every Fantasia, 10,000 William Hungs
Eagerly wait in the wings
They’ll amaze ya, these delusional throngs
Tell me why do we enjoy such things?
American Idol
There’s a bunch of loonies seeking fortune
and fame
Think I need a Midol
Good or bad, next year we won’t remember their names
What a tv show!
What a tv show!
For John Heck's "Beatlemania" Contest - The Beatles "We Can Work it Out"
She bought a computer
Hooked it up by herself
Thought that she'd find a suitor
Fit for a tudor
She'd heard friends talking
How they entered the game
She felt she knew now
She could do the same
She filled out the description
How she was tall and slim
Job experience on a whim
Lingerie model should please them
Long flowing blonde hair
Pouty lips to boot
Sure this description was a hoot
What else could she say about such a beauty as she
When looking in the room
A different scene we see
Old dumpy woman
Down on her knees
Scrubbing the floors
Baseboards too
Ruffened hands from labor
Would this work at all
Only being truthful
Will get you a date
Even if your life is getting on late
Tell all the qualities that are inside
That is the way to be a bride
(This is not an original idea but comes from an old TV commerical of years ago when
computers first became available for the general public. I need to work on this.)
Form:
The Couch Potato
By Elton Camp
When Tony gets home from work each day,
He always has the very same thing to say
“Honey, I am sleepy and as tired as I can be.
When you get supper ready, please call me.”
He forgets his wife worked seven to three
And that she is as much exhausted as he
He holds to his father’s old saying as true
“The housework only a woman should do.”
Tony’s mother labored hard, never for pay
Back then things could often work that way
Two incomes now are required to make a go
Tony chooses to ignore that reality though
What was fine years ago for his Mom and Dad
Only serves to make his wife extremely mad
After supper, he will lay on the couch more
She does the dishes as she always has before
“Honey, please don’t rattle the plates so much.
Cause I’m watching reruns of Starsky and Hutch.
And you will be quiet, I certainly have no doubt,
Whenever you get ready to take the garbage out.”
How many times have you seen someone
Holding up one of those signs
"Out of work, will work for food"
I just can't count the times
Sometimes, they're legitimate
And you can really feel their need
Then there's those who play our emotion
Whose purpose is based on greed
I don't mind helping someone
Who's a little down on luck
It makes me feel good inside
To share a couple of bucks
You never know what good you do
When you're giving with your heart
To help someone back on their feet
Could mean a brand new start
Now, that I have your attention
There's something I need to ask
Don't worry, it's nothing major
It's really a simple task
I'm somewhat of a starving poet
With no major writing events
No, I'm not asking for money
"I'll work for your comments"
I hope you don't take me seriously
You know, I'm only kidding
But to end this poem just like this
I thought was only fitting
Marshall’s Last Day at McDonald’s
By Elton Camp
It was Marshall’s very last day at work
And so the manager was being a jerk
“At your new job you won’t succeed.
They’ll learn you aren’t what they need.”
Marshall was tired of work & poor pay
But decided it was best nothing to say
“Your last task is to update the marquee.
When that’s done of this job you’re free.”
When the manager got to work next day,
He was shocked at what the sign did say
As told, Marshall had changed it all right
What he put gave him the greatest delight
The words for the public to see were these:
“Try the new McNasty with cheese”