Long Crotchety Poems
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Accursed human species
case in point Vladimir Putin,
who strikes terror across globe.
Don't underestimate his hell bent
zeal to attack United States,
one blood sucking infernal
predacious *****sapien
mercilessly bullies, interrogates,
threatens... with zeal.
Considerably less mortifying
constitutes wrathful ordeals
exhibited by adults who treat
thine wife with indecorous jibes
like punks who sat back of bus
or classmates at Methacton
High School, mine alma mater.
No different than typical mean kids
many crotchety residents here
Highland Manor Apartments
majority residents aggrieve the missus
though said counterpart (thee spouse)
exudes standoffish poise
countenance dons and
nonverbally trumpets scowl
body language broadcasts
social graces be damned
easily interpreted as snub
engendering hostile imprecations
cruelly fiendish provocations
undermine capacity to experience
peace of mind
exacerbated by her
figurative cold shoulder
propensity to flip the bird
notched, ratcheted, torqued... tension
courtesy miss prissy heiress,
daughter, she secured management role
albeit (hats off) to nepotism
guarantees lifelong job security
issued thee missus warning
rental stipulation disallows
overt middle finger flashing signal
emotional entanglement ensued
yours truly tasked
to pursue more favorable environment,
yet scant finances (mine)
and poor credit
two strikes against
locating affordable living situation
since sole family income
social security disability
direct deposited monthly
buzzfeeding checking account
regularly near anorexic,
cuz additionally I pay
costs of living expenses
cole king avoiding being homeless,
thus this penniless
among dime a dozen
day late dollar short
low income bracketed
(marching with madness)
mister casts quandary
couched as poetry,
no great expectations,
nonetheless cathartic to communicate
(hoop fully understandable)
present tense plight
projected as plotted trend
fat and/or slim chance
fate will curse me as lottery winner
pipe dream teasing
this word plumber flush with ire,
who feels nsync and drained
scraping hand to mouth
bemoaning apathy, dismal
effort, gross indifference
toward self sums (mein kampf)
plus academic struggles
proffers grim forecast
as coxswain at mercy
rudderless ship of state
edges closer to his waterloo.
most instances when i initially seat
myself priming creative literary juices to flow,
an unspecified number hours elapse
before that eureka i.e. Jackie Oh
revelation transpires
witnessing, this scruffy, prickly,
and madly scratching itchy hairs
dotting chinny chin chin of this hobo
hook huns hitters hymns elf
tubby a generic home
er run (hitting) mill
(on the floss sing false teeth)
common everyday fluky,
nippy, nap noopy Joe,
whence upon gestation ova hen chic idea
(Egg heads, merely
scrambled random thought fragments
at that stage) scrunching brow
activates laser focus,
a scattershot burst of tangential thread populate
formerly barren tabula rasa,
sans, Lenovo external screen
once again defying (tomb me
akin to some eternal mystery),
trucked since time immemorial
inexplicable, that sudden ignition
asper cerebral automatic
catalytic converter kickstarter
(hmm...perhaps cogs and gears
housed within medulla oblongata)
foster fecund fertilization,
an inexplicable phenomena,
I dune hot know
explanation, but upon advent
whence, wispy vague undefinable inchoate
coalesce analogous to genesis of animal new life
when there appears just the merest hint
of fledgling wispy notions strive similar
to sperm cells
fervently whipsawing vis a vis,
via flagellation motility misfits
and false starts before this crotchety scribe
mollycoddles crux of embryonic idea
congeals, expresses, and forms
grandiose manifest destiny
mentioned above i.e. Ho
Lee Judas Priest remaining catharsis
seems like a versatile
self determining tour de force
whereat fingers of the lefthand
move of their own volition spilling forth poe
whet tree once expended leaves (of grass)
finds me Walt sing whit man nigh hick cull
tickled pink with a soft after glow.
let me take thee dear reader rabbit alas and alack
on an imaginary carpet ride whisk king ye dis family back
rheumy eyes started to water from nostalgic clack
until reverse time warp registered
late 19600's, without one kink
smooth all the way akin
to a flawless artful lettered link
no harm to any animals,
though a near head on collision with a mink
crossing the bridge o'er Tarabithia one gruff troll
nearly upended our smooth sailing thru ether with a roll
over maneuver that near went awry,
but for the amazing grace of dog a poll
lease trained pooch,
who cuz born on Christmas christened Noel
accompanied with lady and the tramp
no major plans did we need to revamp
and upon arrival at destination
received good house keeping stamp
of approval to begin playing an all time favorite
pass time (with rules adapted as needed) to hit
a high score, when at some impromptu moment lit
an unseen spark, then after determining
who would go first, (while whirling in a small orbit)
now both of us far to involved to quit
we applied “rock”, “paper”, and “scissors”
and commenced our aim
which entailed (either me or shari)
to choose other than our own class picture to claim
for the other sibling to identify the correct name
though thru countless repetitions, the novelty did not get bland
a minor bit of concentration each of us did politely demand
of student (or teacher), whatever kid our index finder did land
number of iterations continued, how many...oh brother,
sans gesticulating rigmarole without asking mother
father, nor eldest sister, 'til eventually every girl and boy
(from respective grade including the other)
accurately identified, than back to the future we went
after what seemed like an eternity spent
revisiting nostalgic day of yesteryear,
when upon arrival to the heron now birds-eye view
our bodies morphed aging at warp speed
thomas sister this yawping crotchety old fogey gent.
Schlerotic schlemiel schleps...
Into lonely senescence -
three plus decades already elapsed
trepidation, hesitation unbearably
tugging, shouldering,
remonstrating accumulation
of "baggage" thumb
of right hand thrust out
silently raving, quaking
cursing ultimatum parents
(soffit to fascia in)
saw fit to fashion
and hammer home
red hot poker rage
their singular male offspring
middle child of two sisters,
who long since vacated premises
when both young naifs
prior to attaining age of consent
deploring bing holed up
at 324 Level Road redoubt
built as summer house
remote from fracas of urban bedlam
still fifty years since Leipers
bon voyage into netherland
father and mother
imposed swiftly tailored
harried styled tough love
translated meant absolute zero value
toward offspring they begot,
and made quite clear loathing
heaped upon sundered fountainhead
good for nothing son of a...,
he whittled away precious time
reading avast among trove of material
crowdsourcing numerous bookshelves
mostly to impress intellectual visitors,
when in truth middle aged couple
thinly veiled country bumpkins,
donned with "FAKE" literacy
stereotypical "rednecks,"
inexplicably begot wunderkind
agog with inhaling literature
in tandem with liberal
magazines and newspapers
oft times whiled away countless hours
sunup to sundown
sequestered most remote nook
within local library
few miles walk along country road
served as self taught schooling
since parochial educated regimen
habitually rapped knuckles
courtesy whiplike hickory stick
if pupil evinced slightest
distraction, whence schoolmaster
detected lack of attention
as crotchety curmudgeon
blankly droned monotonously
dull jabbering subjected
stone faced classmates
into instant soporific state
futilely struggling to keep eyelids
slamming shut tight
including yours truly,
who when suddenly awake
realized quite a vivid dream!
Nationwide Insurance twas on my side yay
cuz, earlier this July forth
two thousand eighteen ja way
windows closed, doors locked, and
car keys visibly splayed
on driver seat oye vay
feel free to call me a horse's ass today
utter anxiety compounded,
plus unable to locate master key,
thence fodder for poem and more to say
rifling thru boxes without success,
an impulse arose to call road
upon learning policy
doth include locksmith service,
ah felt less doggone snappish,
and uttered hoo ray
though modest aye,
congratulated awesome,
fulsome, and handsome
self on quick thinking,
and automatically became less tiresome
pondering for no particular rhyme nor reason
(as a getaway) Panama or Paraguay
then immediate decided,
sans ditto explanation,
but no how and nay
yet honest to dog suddenly felt
like a young lovestruck lad
during month of May
and without further delay
a compulsion arose
to putter along, though
momentarily gazing heavenward
and counting (just beak caws)
glistening black crows
plus painfully aware
a spike in recurrent
"senior" moment of forgetfulness grows,
thus starkly aware significant rustiness
increasingly, frightfully,
and chokingly coats
lix spit tillage harrows
resuming schlepping dishabille
crotchety bedeviled aching
body electric irksome
with fringe benefit (such as
momentary lapse of reason)
quite aware mettlesome
ness of youth nonrefundable,
non-reliable, and non-retrievable,
and guaranteed continued
pricking, viz nettlesome
degenerating aging telomeres,
sensate perspicuity, and oxysomes
leaving a once robust person some
what discombobulated
and easily toilsome.
Mine defense weapon
of choice comprises
standing stock
(lock, and barrel)
still like a statue, who
would not budge if
someone yelled "BOO"
cuz fighting back,
he did not eschew
on account of, his being puny
like one Ninja Turtle moo
tint, and quiet as Hebrew
service, which cowardly
behavior admittedly learned
early in said life,
(no matter such much ado
about nothing smart
ting emotional, physical,
and/or spiritual issue
destructive coping method),
whiz not true
lee healthy, and really wanted
to tell bullies "eff u"
while smacking brutish and nasty
short haired gentile or Jew,
neither response employed,
since "scared lad" knew
no confidence to
put up hazardous dukes,
and land "scape
goat head kid"
matter of fact contributed
to setting moss psyche askew,
which trademark docile withdrawn
modus operandi did Matthew
Scott Harris, (this
wordsmith) more harm
than (Sherry Jones),
his first goo goo
doll (me, her close in age beau
kindergartner - same as him
more'n fifty plus years ague),
she lived near,
this present crotchety
ole Scrooge, when cute
as a button little boy,
he considered (second residence
after parents relocated
from Cincinnati, O hi you),
to a corner house -
adjacent to Daily's
Family motley
cutting (insults) crue
on Lantern Lane
(within the neighborhood
of Apple Valley, Pennsylvania)
unsure if this poe whet
tick sketch I drew
clear as mud in your view.
Curiosity concerning Careen’s covert chocolate and candy cache
causes children’s cartoon crusader Charlie a calamity!
Careen’s childminding cousin Charlie and carelessly closes her candy cupboard ...
curious Charlie’s no cherub, and can’t curb his constant candy craving
Charlie champs continually on copious chunks of candy and chocolate
Chomping contentedly on chewy coffee caramels and candy canes.
Charleston chews and Careen’s costly chocolate caramel crunch clusters
Charlie carelessly chucks the crinkled coverings on the carpet
Careen clocks Charlie chomping candy from her confectionary collection
Careen’s candy and chocolate is cherished
Consequently, Careen cannot condone cousin Charlie’s crafty crime ...
Careen’s crotchety and cross at Charlie’s out of character conduct
and contemplates contacting the cops
Charlie cringes and claims clemency,
claiming he can’t control his cravings... he’s a covert chocoholic connoisseur
Careen can’t commiserate, calling Charlie a complete cad!
Charlie’s complains his canine crown is cracked
and the chewy candy’s caused cavernous cavities
Calmly Careen closes and chains her candy cupboard
then chuckles coldheartedly at Charlie’s candy catastrophe!
Cowering on a Careen’s comfy couch, Charlie cries continually
Charlie is a complete coward and can’t cope with caries caused by candy...
He deplores and detests the drone of the dentist’s drill!
Charlie's Cartoon Characters Curiously Careen And Crusade Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Caren Krutsinger
11/18/18
Yikes, aside from mental
health re: psychotherapy,
which haint the worse
cyst phase of being
objectionably being called "old man",
this poem doth tack
toward the no body,
and will address
no illusory (no
app for) pretensions
alluding to verse,
the slow-mo ravages
of aging, evincing
and inching into
solid AARP universe
suddenly (moon if fish int lee)
impinges on endurance
even crimping poetic
raptures tubby terse
though (oh my this
muttering ole hound) chronologically
traversing that arbitrary, elliptically,
and imaginary Maginot line
i.e. almost three score year,
thy esprit de corps unlike
complaining crotchety curmudgeon
folks living here
Highland Manor situated
in Schwenksville, Pennsylvania,
not much older
than me do daily air
lamentations kvetching even
on days pitch perfect and clear
find some bugaboo to gripe about
which dispositions hardly
makes them endear
ring at least to myself,
a baby boomer
(lix orbitz licked) gear
ring up to enter
sixth decade of life,
when a tell tale battle
of the bulge paunch
finds mine equatorial zone
somewhat flabby, a mockery
of washboard blubbery
abdominal sculpted tone
engirdled with loathsome
ample "NON FAKE"
lovely jowly handles
which I hate, though
human flesh naturally prone
to the lowest point of resistance,
and finds these
lovely bones to groan.
Love those who love you
Appreciate those who appreciate you
A dog never bites its owner
If a dog does just that, it ought to be gently put to sleep
Gentlemen, love women who love you
Ladies, love men who care for you
If someone doesn't like you, don't get upset
It’s fine or okay for someone not to like you
This is democracy 100, everyone is free to choose
Love those who are cordial or courteous to you
Disregard or ignore those who dislike or antagonize you
Be strong, vigilant, calm and cool, don't act like fools
The dog barks at its master, it’s because of esurience or jejuneness
But when it bites its master, it’s because this animal is still untamed
This pestered creature is sent eventually to the shelter to be euthanized
A cat always respects its master or has high regard for its owner
Love those who love you
Appreciate those who appreciate you
Shatter not the heart of those who don't like or despise you
However do your very best for those who care for you
For those who are not hypocritical, ingrate or ungrateful
Old cats will in perpetuum remain old cats
They function as old egotistic crabs or irritating crotchety rats
Love those who love you
Appreciate those who appreciate you
Love is the appropriate answer
Not the mortiferous cancer.
P.S. Translation of ' Renmen Moun Ki Renmen Ou’ by Hébert Logerie.
Copyright © June 2017, Hebert Logerie, All rights reserved
Hébert Logerie is the author of several books of poetry.
Do you gurgle, grunt, and gripe,
grind the soft bones of thought dry?
You need some orchestration,
some instrumental tuning.
Play with those ad hoc glottalized vibes,
harmonize.
The body, that geomungos collection
of agrarian earth animalcules
which work for themselves alone,
tilling mud, repairing dykes
& ditches,
that biological chain gang
that works on robotically
within a symbiotic conglomerate
others have put a name to,
that commune of the blind
it needs to be honored for its industry.
It is your manikin self – wind it up with
new tunes.
It has to be warbled to,
bill & coo some
as if it were a real child.
it needs lullabies and ballads,
calm it with gentle glissandos.
Be not crotchety.
Even if your own voice
is an amphibian nightmare
that growls off key,
sing soto voce -
be a body whisperer.
You may still
grapple occasionally
with those galumphing
gargoyles of your flesh,
but love will be in you
like a soft pretzel,
you will be tasty and salty,
not sad and sickly.
Your tide will turn,
your shore will be giddy
with the sounding of your songs,
the swirling pipes of your soul.
Your comforted body will purr
upon the lap of sleep
like a well-nourished tabby cat
or squeak not
like well-oiled piano stool.