Best Lav Poems
1
Sun glints off ripples
Play of light in sheltered cove
Scenic lavatory
2
Backyard full of stars
Footsteps crack on frozen grass
Moonlit lavatory
3
Forested mountain side
Above twisting single track
Rider’s lavatory
4
Over arid land
Falling rain evaporates
Hot Aussie dunny
5
Sandy beach stretches
Tropical coral waters
Pristine lavatory
6
Beneath St. Paul’s dome
Lies manicured garden
Monumental lav.
Categories:
lav, beach, garden, humorous, nature,
Form:
Haiku
[starboard port]
the ocean—an onyx plate predawn—
somnambulant ships preen with a swag of
warning lights
massive hulls: cargo ships, flotillas, tankers,
passenger liners loll; red lights buss
the somber slate of sky—spangled strings of
bawdy bulbs on the riggings—pole dance
beside the quay—ridged, behemoth smokestacks
toy with the flames of gold and white
[cabin’s lav—occupied]
waiting, my mind trundles to funeral pyres
Viking ships, then returns to marvel at
on-coming airport pot lights which
upstage the walled gasps
[very occupied]
the exodus to Singapore crescendos
we land—manned the plane performs
a ritual slide—ash and steam spew from
stacks of the other perpendicular
members
Touch down.
[the door opens]
First Published by Shooter Literary Magazine Spring of 2017
Categories:
lav, love,
Form:
Free verse
The Seat by the Toilet - Rob Barratt(rbarratt@cooptel.net)
Yes, the seat by the toilet’s
The best by a mile; it’s
The only seat in which to sit
In the seat by the loo
You’ve a wonderful view
Of the road (and a faint whiff of sh….)
Oh, the seat by the lav
Is the seat I must have
I can straighten my legs down the aisle
I’ve got people to smile at
As they queue for the toilet
It’s the seat for a man of my style
Now the toilet’s so clean
It’s a hygienist’s dream
So you don’t need to wait till the terminus
Rest assured that the rest room’s
Not an infested pest room
Or the habitat of something verminous
In the seat at the rear
There is nothing to fear
And your icy cold heart will just melt
There is room there to dance
Or adjust underpants
If it wasn’t for your safety belt
In the seat by the bog
You won’t sleep like a log
But it’s an en suite location, location
‘Cos if you need a poo
It’s just right next to you
And it’s yours all the way to the station
Though the seat by the privy
May get rather whiffy
When the occupants don’t shut the door
As they exit the closet
Where they’ve made their deposit
Just reach out, turn the knob, por favor
The lavatorial seat
Will not always smell sweet
But it’s clearly the one I prefer
I’ll pretend I’m the driver
And I bet you a fiver
That nobody else will sit ther (Liverpudlian pronunciation)
(sing)
Oh I do like to be
By the WC
Oh, I do like to be close beside it …………..
(speak)
I will know where you’re going
With your to-ing and fro-ing
Bowel or bladder, you know you can’t hide it
So ….. On the National Express
If your body is stressed
And you’re feeling the need to uncoil it
Make your journey complete
And head straight for that seat
Just relax and stretch out by the toilet
(sing) Oh dear, what can the matter be
I like the seat right next to the lavatory
It brings me great satisfaction and happily
Nobody else will sit there.
Categories:
lav, funny
Form:
Verse
The Mozzies are biting, we forgot the Aeroguard
The ants, all the bickies are about to bombard
The twins are fightin’ and actin’ real mean
This family picnic, it’s a real bloody scene
The baby’s cryin’ ‘cause he bashed both ‘is knees
The flies in the marg, and the dogs got the cheese
Grans gone walkabout lookin’ for the lav
Cripes, there’s a Kookaburra, poopin’ on the pav!
Young Curly’s so famished, he’s eatin’ mud pies
And bluey’s being chased by some peckin’ magpies
Dav’s bashin’ his missus and actin’ like a lout
She forgot the plonk and the beers run out
Old gramps at the barbie burnin’ the snags
Dad’s really cussin’ ‘cause Mum’s snitched his fags
Now the tuckers ready as the rain in buckets pours
Streuth! Another get together in the great outdoors!
Categories:
lav, funny,
Form:
Rhyme
Copyright 2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
POETIC LYRICS BY THOMAS LAM HSI-ANDRESS (KAL-EL-3000)
(To Renata, Loni, Sabrina & 'Lil Matilda, 'The' ELs!)
[ELLIE GOULDING, HALCYON, Track No. 11 (for all, or as optioned)]
WITH ONLY...ANIMALS...AS MY FRIENDS...I'M GOOD AS...DEAD!
IN THE WATER...THE DARKNESS, THE COLDNESS, THE CLOUDS...OF THE
DEEPEST SPACE!
THEIR VOICES IN THE NIGHT...AMUZE ME, ANNOY ME, BOTHER ME......
BECAUSE OF YOU!
YOUR VOICE!
THE DEEPNESS.........THE ECHO.........OF A.........HUMAN HEART!
GOD-DAMN YOU!
YOUR VOICE!
HE'S DEAD [ORIGINAL KAL-EL, SUPER-MAN].........LIKE THAT.........
GOD-DAMN SPACE!
[SIMPLE MINDS, "Don't You (Forget About Me)"]
TERRORS OF THE NIGHT.........YOUR 'NIGHTS'.........I LAUGH, I CRY!
'TERRORS OF FRIGHT'.........RIGHT?!?!?
YOU CRY AND DIE!
I LAUGH.........AND CRY!
THOSE......TERRIBLE......TERRORS OF THE UGLIEST AND CRUELEST.........
WHAT?
'SINFUL' NIGHTS?
I CRY AND CRY.........TILL I DIE!
NOT BAD.........THIS 'LEFT-TO-RIGHT'.........AND.........'RIGHT-TO-LEFT!'
NOW............TRY THIS!
[BLINDING SPEED!]
W-W-W-W-W-WHAT?!?!? [SUPER-GIRL'S FRIEND]
NOT BAD.........HUH? [SUPER-GIRL]
HUH-H-H-H-H-H? [SUPER-GIRL'S FRIEND]
[ELLIE GOULDING, HALYCION, Track No. 2]
AND 'GOD' KNOWS.........I'M A DIRTY ROTTED...SINNER!
GOD-DAMN-YOU!
MY FISTS!
MY ANGER!
THOSE HARSHEST.........DEEPEST.........VECTORS OF SPACE!
GOD-DAMN-YOU.........AND.........'HIM!'
AND 'GOD' KNOWS......I'M A DIRTY ROTTED......SINNER!
GOD-DAMN-YOU......AND-ME......AND-HIM! [ORIGINAL SUPER-MAN]
A......GOD-DAMN......DIRTY ROTTED SINNER!
SINNER! SINNER! SINNER!
GOD-DAMN-YOU.........GOD!
[ELLIE GOULDING, HALCYION, Track No. 3]
PINK-YELLOW-GREEN......LAV-EN-DAR-PINK-OR......BLUE!
PINK-OR-BLUE?
WHAT'S-NICE-TO......YOU?
THINK-IT'S.........SEXY?
PINK-OR-BLUE.........ME-AND-YOU?
MALTS-AND-MILK.........BURGERS-AND-FRIES!
DATES-AND-DATES.........FIVE-Ws-AND-NEWS!
FACT-OR-FICTION.........DATES-AND-DESTINIES!
A-NEWLY.........DESTINED-DATE!
WHAT'S.........NEW-NEWS-TO-YOU?
[CONTINUED]
Categories:
lav, age, angel, anger, drug,
Form:
Ballad
Those pint glass bottomed spectacles
are staring up at me
as you gurgle down another beer
and burp and boff with glee.
Gone are your inhibitions
your humanity and pride,
you're acting like an animal
now that alcohol's inside.
You're acting kind of foolish
like I've never seen before,
the kind of things you wouldn't do
if sober as before.
Gone is the man I used to know
the gent with love and care,
now when if you return at night
our home's a lion's lair.
Not realizing you're losing us
by being out from three,
you're spending all the money
on the booze not rent or tea.
You're married to the drinker's tap
unbalanced and disturbed,
our wardrobe's not a public lav
your senseless lunacy's absurd!
Now take off those pint glass spectacles
when you dare to look at me
you're killing off the you inside
along with love of family.
Categories:
lav, confusion, dedication, devotion, education,
Form:
Free verse
He is my happines
my joy
my laughter
my pride
my paradise,
he is my everything.
I love him
though he cannot
i pray that he finds the
love of his heart
sumeone who loves and
adores him
as much as i do
sumeone who wil
unconditionally love him
that sumeone who''l
love him endlessly...
Although i lav him
i pray that he finds his
missing master-piece...
I have got love for him
in abundace
but he left me in despair
for i'm not the one his
heart is longing for....
I love him
though he cannot
i simply love him
though he cannot......
Categories:
lav, absence
Form:
Blank verse
Zip Zap Zung and Zing
Poem made with a ding
Hip Hop Hulu Town
Word Play goes down
Whip whir twis shou
Shake your boots all abou
Fine time you will have
Fun with most dim and lav
drop off a corn store
Iowa magi show bee fore
bun wag and ring toss
fun with word play keen goss
Zip Zap Zung and Zing
Buy in bulk ding dong ding
Hip Hop Hulu Town
Word play goes down
Categories:
lav, 1st grade, 2nd grade,
Form:
Rhyme
us men put the seat up when we wee in the loo,
so our wee doesn't hit it, we're thinking of you!!
we pee in the middle of the bowl which is round,
but end shakes can hit seats if seats are left down,
so moving it up is not a thoughtless task,
ensuring no puddles where you put your as*
now women want jobs only men tend to have,
so let's share the seat moving job of the lav.
reply to Jan's "I need to sit" poem
lol jokes
Categories:
lav, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme