Best Hernia Poems
Truly, the bee hive innards hum
Truly, the body inside gurgles
Truly, the cave echoes the vortex
Truly I know these sounds
from last night
4 cackling creatures spewed
their saturated sayings upon
the floor
upon each other, upon me
the hammering of the gong
the stampede of a thousand
African Elephants all were
asleep in my head before
these 4 opened the flood gates
of the Mind and the sudden
rush of tidal-wave trumpets
I had to leave, flee, rush
walking, against stone and
broken checkerboard spot-
lights I saw you.
Latin King of knowledge
and intellect came down
the Cardio-Hill and embraced
the darkness with refreshing
light. Saving me from ignorant
swine and masses of greased
filled bodies a pool of stale
eggnog that once seemed
white in the moonlight
now floats dead and
stale, a growing vile mass
unlike its former self
Breaking free from this
chain of emptiness I
went with you, oh one
from another land, took
me to a land of distant
memory and dreams
That bubbling feeling of
the Reed-Flute crying
the Baby also crying due
to separation. It was this
sound that rose higher then
the rest. That sound
propelled me to leave. The
nosey throng and join the
party of Lovers as they
dance. But this dancing
does not have to be
physical, but in the mind
that fluid motion of
loving mind-numbing Dance.
created a sensation in
my heart and soul that
the Hernia of Pestilence
was healed and I
could then, after exile
with the Latin King, return
to the normal mortals
and once again brave the
slow Caravan's journey
against the concrete sky.
Categories:
hernia, allegoryurdu, me,
Form:
Ghazal
It was in the summer past,
When I had a raging cold.
I felt something move ‘down there’
It was protruding and bold.
No, it wasn’t my male part,
The lump was next to that.
I could feel a bit of discomfort,
When I sat.
I phoned my mum in Elgin,
And asked her what it could be.
‘I will tell you one thing, Christopher,
It sounds like a hernia, to me.’
A weakness in the stomach wall,
The muscle poking through.
To see about some surgery,
Is what I had to do.
Off I went to the doctor,
He would organise the op.
Hopefully in the next few months,
Then discomfort, it will stop.
Eight months later in theatre,
I finally get it done.
They put a needle in my hand,
I don’t even count to one.
Questioning the plaster by my hip,
And feeling as groggy as hell.
The nurses say to me ‘You’ve had your op,
Can’t you even tell?’
Being kept in overnight,
As there is no-one else at home.
The other patients have all gone now,
Me and two nurses alone!
Got a lift from the hospital,
Now staying at Angela and Neil’s
Being waited on hand and foot,
I could get used to how this feels.
I’ve taken the dressing off now,
There is bruising all around.
All my bits a blackened colour,
Praying they don’t fall to the ground.
Five weeks to recover,
By then I should be ok.
Back to work, lifting heavy goods,
Don’t happen again, is all I can say.
Categories:
hernia, fun, giggle, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
There's nothing funnier than a cross-eyed chicken
With legs the size of your arm
The Chicken Emporiums would sure love to know
The name of this progressive farm
Aside from the unnerving cross-eyed feature
The implications are really immense
Imagine a leg on your plate so humongous
You wouldn't know where to commence
The cross-eyed feature might cause some concern
If the patrons viewed this poor old bird
Before it was rendered suitable for your gullet
It sure looked hilariously absurd
The cross eyes were caused by trying to eject
A super sized extra large egg
Probably gave the poor brave bird a hernia
Before passing it, for mercy it begged
Such is the way of us civilized humans
Thinking of our bellies all day
Paying no attention to these cross-eyed chickens
As they dance to the hen house ballet
© Jack Ellison 2015
Categories:
hernia, humorous,
Form:
Quatrain
34 years after leaving Rome
We track each other down
By means of the Internet,
Then catch up on the phone.
School buddies
Team mates, soccer fans.
Tico asked about my father,
“ Died” I said
His too.
We remembered them fondly
The spicy crackers my Father tricked him
To eat
Still burn in Tico’s mind.
Many memories were brought up,
His sailor cap
Watching whores at work
From the privacy of my balcony
More soccer facts…
We’ve exchanged our wives and kids photos
Our own,
Promised to see each other again
Keep in touch.
I wonder if it’s a good idea,
Why spoil better days
Now that I have a hernia.
Categories:
hernia, friendship, soccer,
Form:
Free verse
I recently visited an animal farm
Accompanied by my favorite school marm.
She said that the antics were fun to behold
Of creatures that acted outrageous and bold.
Well, I didn't believe her when first we arrived
'Cause all that I saw were empty beehives.
But then as our journey progressed up the path
What should I see but a pig in a bath.
But after an oink and a grunt and a squeal
I saw something yonder with yet more appeal.
There in the enclosure, as small as could be
A cute baby goat was looking at me.
I fed him some hay and patted his head
While Mother sat watching from her cozy bed.
But then he did something decidedly *****
By making some noises so eerie to hear.
He did it by using his mouth and his tongue
And also employing a throat and a lung.
He switched back and forth from the 1st to the 2nd
Attempting, you see, the white nanny to beckon.
The she-goat, however, was happy to stay
Right there where she so very languidly lay.
The baby persisted in making a razz
And then a "baa-baa", and all of that jazz.
No human could spit out a better Bronx Cheer,
No child cry "bottle" as to so endear.
I split my side laughing so hard at this act
It felt like a hernia, and that is a fact.
I've been back there often, but alas I have never
Been able to see something nearly as clever.
Categories:
hernia, animal, child, cute love,
Form:
Quatrain
In the main, it's a pain in the brain.
Now just try not to buy I could die.
Patiently wait. Think, my fate will be great.
Now I'm face'n the preparation for the operation.
Pray'n for grace. Turn my face. Think 'happy place'.
'A little prick', then a stick. Oh, I'm sick.
Add Pepcid. not to dread. faith instead.
I'm in a huff; all this stuff. Is it enough?
Another add. antibiotic, he said Keep my head.
To the room. be over soon. What a boon.
'Slide on over'. Sure thing Rover. Where's the power?
Then I'm able, with a stable, on the table.
Modesty's rough in the buff. Think happy stuff.
In 'it' goes, head to toes. no more woes.
'Help me quick, I am sick'! Up I sit.
Out like a light. No more fight. All is right.
'Wake up dear', heard so clear, 'home is near'.
I want sleep! Don't make a peep you noisy creep.
'Wake up yes! Home is best. There you'll rest'.
Picking a bone, 'not so soon!', I sleepily moan.
Up and move'n, soon to be groov'n, life to be proven
Have no care. Had my share; fine's frog’s hair.
Only a glitch in m'gittalong hitch. That's a switch.
Home at last. Relax! This gas, it too shall pass.
Categories:
hernia, cheer up, funny, giggle,
Form:
Rhyme
Have a hole in my sock
Sneaker is torn
A bump like Hernia
Next to my groin.
Corsage must pick
My son’s prom tonight
Stop by MacDonald’s
Grab me a bite.
Must watch out for myself
Front tooth is loose
If I chew too hard
It’ll be of no use.
Good thing still have hair
Although grows quite thin
If it starts to fall
Damn curly sin.
Done the days chores
Rest and sit down
Getting old for this circus
Should be a retired clown.
Categories:
hernia, funny,
Form:
Rhyme
There's nothing funnier than a cross-eyed chicken
With legs the size of your arm
Kentucky Fried Chicken would sure love to know
The name of this progressive farm
Aside from the unnerving cross-eyed feature
The implications are immense
Imagine a leg on your plate so big
You wouldn't know where to commence
The cross-eyed feature might cause some concern
If the patrons viewed this poor old bird
Before it was rendered suitable for your gullet
It looked hilariously absurd
The cross eyes were caused by trying to eject
A super sized extra large egg
Probably gave the poor bird a hernia
Before passing it, for mercy it begged
Such is the way of us civilized humans
Thinking of our bellies all day
Paying no attention to these cross-eyed chickens
Trying not to end up on our plate
© Jack Ellison 2014
Categories:
hernia, humorous,
Form:
Quatrain
It's impossible to hum with your nose plugged
Don't try it you'll give yourself a hernia
About two hundred babies are born every minute
Guess there's not much doing in suburbia
Dust under your bed is your own dead skin
Unbelievable but that's what they say
There are more nerve cells in the human brain
Than there's stars in the Milky Way
The water you drink has already been drunk
By others, what a charming thought
Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes
That's not something I think of a lot
A million dollars in one hundred dollar bills
Weighs only about twenty-two pounds
A disposable diaper holds seven pounds of pee
That's too much information I've found
97% of money contains a trace of cocaine
Have you sniffed your dollar bills of late
The glue on Israeli stamps is certified kosher
This leaves me in an overwrought state
10 million bricks are in the Empire State Building
Masons surely had a heavy load
That's it for now but there'll be more to come
Keep an eye out for them down the road
© Jack Ellison 2013
Categories:
hernia, humorous,
Form:
Quatrain
Lord! Why is it some folks consider it their solemn obligation,
To render unto me the details of their every operation?
No matter whence I go, I go with the expectation,
That about someone's operation I'll suffer an explanation!
Ah! To relax at the club for some stimulating conversation.
To enjoy an exquisite cigar and imbibe in a little libation!
But, invariably some feller launches an interminable dissertation,
Giving a blow-by-blow description of his latest operation!
I always ask for a window seat when making a plane reservation,
For a little solitude, for some musing and quiet meditation.
Usually, the little old lady next to me begins a long narration,
Describing more than I care to know about her delicate operation!
I enjoy walking and marveling at the beauty of God's Creation,
And along the way to sit awhile for some quiet contemplation.
Univited, some old geezer sits and begins a detailed oration,
Babbling on and on about his recent hernia operation!
Thought provoking tete-a-tetes fill me with exhilaration,
And I gain from such encounters insightful information.
But dad-gum it! Consarn it! And holy thunderation!
Please spare me the details of your every operation!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (© All Rights Reserved)
Categories:
hernia, funnyme, old, me, old,
Form:
Rhyme
If Jane carries heavy bags
She feels sharp pain
Whether she sits up
Or laying in bed
Heaviness she feels
A rock on her chest
This is called a Hiatus
hernia
In time it gets worse
It'll be hard to breeze
That is when relief is
found
Surgery is done
So until that time comes
Jane has to wait
For the surgery
To relieve her pain
Categories:
hernia, feelings, friend, pain,
Form:
Sonnet
Here's some things that really irk me
They must irk some of you guys too
Loaded baskets in those Express Lanes
My face turns a scarlet hue
Imagine the gall of some irksome drivers
Doing fifty in a fifty mile zone
What is it with these bunch of yahoos?
Probably gabbing on their phones!
When you order a cup of hot java
At your favourite coffee shop
And it turns out to be luke warm at best
You wanna give the server a pop!
Another one of my little pet peeves
Pill bottles that are made seniors proof
You get a hernia trying to open these things
The inventor was on some kind of juice!
Playing along with the clues on Jeopardy
Interrupted by some breaking news
Unless the world is actually coming to an end
It can wait till the end of the clues!
Bugs me when some guy in a big fancy car
Takes up more than one parking space
These a-holes need to be straightened out
Love a word with them face to face!
Ahhh! It sure feel a whole lot better now
Once I got these things off my chest
Life is too short to let these things bug you
They're minor annoyances at best!
© Jack Ellison 2013
Categories:
hernia, angst, funny,
Form:
Quatrain
There's nothing funnier than cross-eyed chickens
With legs the size of your arm
Kentucky Fried Chicken would sure love to know
The name of this progressive farm
Aside from the unnerving cross-eyed feature
The implications are immense
Imagine a leg on your plate so big
You wouldn't know where to commence
The cross-eyed feature might cause some concern
If the patrons viewed this poor bird
Before it was rendered suitable for your gullet
It sure looked totally absurd
The cross eyes were caused by trying to eject
A super sized extra large egg
Probably gave the poor bird a hernia
Before passing for mercy it begged
Such is the way of us civilized humans
Always thinking of our bellies all day
Paying no attention to these cross-eyed chickens
Just trying not to end up on our plate
©Jack Ellison 2012
Categories:
hernia, funny,
Form:
Quatrain
Coming of the Magi
Matthew 2.1-12
Verse 1: “After Jesus was born in Bethlehem...Judea,
During the reign of King Herod, magi came [Yeshua],
From the east to Jerusalem. 2 They asked: [aroma],
‘Where is the newborn king of the Jews? [paranoia].
We’ve seen his star in the east, and we’ve [hernia],
Come to honor him.’ 3 When King Herod [gonna],
Heard this, he was troubled, and everyone [won’t ya],
In Jerusalem was troubled with him [trauma (Athena)].
4 He gathered all the chief priests and the legal [torah],
Experts and asked them where the Christ was [Amonia],
To be born [stroma]. 5 They said ‘In Bethlehem [krona],
Of Judea, for this is what the prophet wrote, [Adonia]:
6 “You, Bethlehem, land of Judah, by no means, [aqua],
Are you the least among the rulers of Judah [enterica],
Because from you will come one who governs [insignia],
Who will shepherd my people Israel [loud n’ proud aura]”.
7 Then Herod secretly called for the magi and [drama],
Found out from them the time when the star [corona],
Had first appeared [prima]. 8 He sent them [begonia],
To Bethlehem, saying, “Go [n’] search carefully [beg ya]:
For the child. When you’ve found him, report [nihil mora],
To me so that I too may go and honor him.” Paronama].
9 When they heard the king, they went; and, [proxima],
Look, the star they had seen in the east went [comptonia] -
Ahead of them until it stood over the place [concordia],
Where the child was. 10 When they saw the star [folia],
They were filled with joy. 11 They entered the house [coxa],
And saw the child with Mary his mother [Collutorium gutta].
Falling to their knees, they honored him [phenomena].
Then they opened their treasure chests and [poma],
Presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense [aroma],
And myrr. Because they were warned in a dream, [gala] -
Not to return to Herod [inca], they went back to [ok plasma],
Their own country by another route [elegantia (got ya!}].
I believe this is Matt 2.1-12, and know that you will lambda,
Because this trauma dealt with by the magi, was brahma.
Common English Bible used.
Categories:
hernia, angel, atheist, christmas, god,
Form:
Monorhyme
The head and face broad and flat,
The eyes set wide apart,
The body-growth stunted,
The tongue protruded,
With squeaky voice,
The child is not wise.
The skin thick, dry and coarse,
The hair rough, sparse and coarse.
The thickened neck small and short,
With supraclavicular pads of fat.
The bulging tummy resembles a pot,
And umbilical hernia resembles a spout.
Categories:
hernia, childhood, education, family, health,
Form: