Best Guffawed Poems
I love bright outside Christmas sights,
especially colorful lights
on evergreen trees
that sway in the breeze
and snowmen on clear, wintry nights.
I just witnessed something quite strange,
a snowman so wrongly arranged.
He stood on his head.
I guffawed and said,
“Your butt’s in the air. Quite a change!”
Then to my surprise, Snowman spoke:
"You think my existence a joke?
I’m planning to run
for office—such fun!”
I thought I was having a stroke.
He boasted, “I’ve got a good chance
of doing that victory dance.
My stance draws a crowd;
I’m bold, loud, and proud.
I’m getting much more than a glance!
My butt you see up in the air,
in plain view and totally bare,
is where my thoughts form,
though that’s not the norm.
My head’s not why folks stop and stare!”
This weird snowman should make the news,
but I heard no journalists’ views
on what I’d just seen,
but what I did glean
was proof that some folks have the blues.
They’re saying some leaders don’t lead
consistently. So many plead
for those who won’t show
their butts, those who know
each vow must be sealed with a deed.
Date Written: December 23, 2017
Contest Title: Upside Down World
Sponsor: Eve Roper
Categories:
guffawed, leadership, political, snow,
Form:
Limerick
Are You listening, God?
I'm not perfect; I'm flawed--
Spoke not the truth; 'twas all fraud.
And did they applaud? Hah! They guffawed.
Are You listening, God?
I'm weak; I'm not tough:
Not strong, a creampuff;
Like twinkies, cotton candy, fluff.
Are You listening, God?
I thought I was brilliant; I was dull:
My 'great ideas' all came to null.
No genius was I; I had a numb skull.
Are You listening, God?
Then hear my plea:
I confess to my abysmal condition;
Have mercy on me and on my petition.
Why SHOULD You help, You say?
Isn't it enough that I pray?
Well, You're right. I need to do better; I need to improve.
I need not to grumble; I need to be humble.
I need not to curse and make things worse when I stumble.
And now that I've tumbled,...
I need to show that I mean it when I say I'll do better;
A man's word is his bond, right down to the last letter.
I'm going to improve! You just wait and see.
So, thanks for having this little pep talk with me!
Categories:
guffawed, forgiveness, god, prayer, vanity,
Form:
Rhyme
It’s time to pack the rocket,
Because there’s no need for cars.
For our first vacay,
That’s as far away,
As the wonderful world of Mars.
Yes that’s what the brochure said;
It’s a wonderful world out there.
So grab the yout’s,
And lunar boots,
But don’t forget the extra air.
I’ll always recall that first trip;
Starting with how to pack.
We stuffed the trunk,
Coz who woulda’ thunk,
We couldn’t bring a luggage rack.
Then we fueled her up with the good stuff,
To go fifty million miles.
Then I guffawed,
Let’s send the in-laws,
But that made my wife hostile.
I told the kids to go to the bathroom,
Then they looked at me in a daze.
When they found out.
We’ll be flying about,
Two hundred and fifty days.
There was one last major problem;
For a request we were afraid to hear.
Our son put us on the spot,
When he asked to bring Spot;
Not this time, he has to stay here.
Well that started the bellyaching,
That delayed us leaving the house.
“Will miss all our friends,
For who knows when?”
And that stuff was said by my spouse.
Thankfully calmer heads prevailed,
After toasting with some drink.
The kids didn’t peep,
And my wife fell asleep,
Due to the added drugs, I think?
Take off was smooth as can be;
Frankly, it was a hoot.
Until I realized,
High up in the skies,
I didn’t pack my bathing suit.
When the family finally woke up,
We were soaring close to the moon.
The kids both cheered,
Then said what I feared,
“Hey dad, will we be there soon?”
Well that was just the beginning,
There was more in store for me.
When one kid upchucked,
And the other one yucked,
“Hey dad, I got to go pee!”
Then my wife put in her two cents,
And asked if I’m driving all the way through?
I said we’ll stop for the night,
On the next meteorite;
What did she expect me to do?
At last Mars came into our sights;
Talk about being out in the sticks.
They asked where we’ll stay?
I said, to their dismay,
“This rocket doubles as a Motel Six.”
We all agreed Mars was wonderful;
An exquisite planet in red.
We took pic’s big time,
Then turned on a dime,
And flew back in uncomfortable beds.
For Subject Mars Contest Poem is from 2013
Categories:
guffawed, family, funny, space, vacation,
Form:
Rhyme
What will their eternity win?
Greed, as a vice makes some men grin.
Money is their God.
Poor folks bear guffawed.
Then games bring a different kingpin!
© June 1, 2011
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
Categories:
guffawed, angst, funny, life
Form:
Limerick
My veggie tray's selection was unique.
'Twas still offered to a jittery sheikh
Who hopped from foot to foot,
Ignoring the ginger root,
Took an onion, saying, "Gotta take a leek!"
He ran off to the loo speedily.
Later on, he returned back to me.
Assessed my tray and proceeded
To eat a pod that was seeded.
I asked him, "Tell me sir, how was your pea?"
We laughed, and guffawed, and made a fuss
At the playful double entendre between us.
He said with a wink,
"I'd hate to think
What you'd say if I had the asparagus!"
Categories:
guffawed, food, funny
Form:
Limerick
The Keystone Cops were funny,
Chaplain, Keaton, Lloyd, and Fields too.
Laurel and Hardy, and Will Rodgers,
Were just some of the names we knew.
Who can forget the Stooges,
Or all the pies we saw them throw?
Who didn't laugh at the Brothers Marx,
Or Abbot and Costello?
Berle, Caesar, Skelton, Crosby and Hope,
Could always bring a tear.
So could Allen, Paar, Kovacs, and Carson,
As we guffawed ourselves to the floor.
Gleason had Carney, Martin had Lewis, Lucy had Desi,
George had Gracie, and Burnett had her crew.
While Cosby, Pryor, and Murphy,
All taught us to laugh anew.
Cohen, Benny, Youngman, Diller, Rickles, Hackett, and Winters,
Are some of the names we recollect.
Everyone fell out of their chairs,
When Rodney "Got no respect"!
Today we have Billy, Whoopi, Robin, and Dave,
Leno, Rodriguez, Wallace, Jeni, Wright, and too many more to name.
But each still works to bring us laughter,
Today, their job's the same.
They poke fun at life's human side,
As did the jester who first began the gaff.
So when the comic entertains us with his work,
All we can do is laugh.
They see laughter and hear our smiles,
Whether they are "Stand Up" or "Situational" workers.
They take the pulse of every audience,
To see if there are any shirkers.
But "Laughter is the Best Medicine",
A saying that is all but true.
So, don't be afraid to let your bellyaches come from laughter,
When a comic entertains for you.
Categories:
guffawed, dedication, funny, people, thank
Form:
Rhyme
The Keystone Cops were funny
Chaplin, Keaton, and Fields too.
Laurel & Hardy and Will Rogers
were some of the names we knew.
Who can forget the Stooges
or all the pies we saw them throw.
Who didn't laugh at the Brothers Marx
or Abbot & Costello?
Berle, Caesar, Crosby & Hope
could always bring a tear.
So would Allen, Paar, Kovacs, and Carson
as they guffawed us to the floor.
Gleason had Carney, Martin had Lewis, Lucy had Desi
and Carol Burnett had her crew.
Cosby, Pryor, and Murphy
all taught us to laugh anew.
Cohen, Benny, Diller, Rivers, and Rickles
are names that we recollect.
Who wouldn't fall out of his chair
when Rodney "Got no respect."
Let's not leave out any of the Brits as
Benny Hill, Mr. Bean, and the Two Ronnies were funnier than some.
Their take on humor was a bit different from our own
But that's why we had such fun with Faulty Towers and Monty's Python.
We have had Billy, Whoopi, Robin, and Carlin,
Johnny, Jay, Dave, and too many more to name.
But each still brings us laughter,
Today their job's the same.
They still poke fun at life's human side
as did the jester who first began the gaff.
So, when a comic entertains you...
Be generous with your laughs.
Categories:
guffawed, dedication, funny, giggle, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
Sat to jot down limerick in log book
Inept to find my pen carried miffed look
Probed my mum who lay on bed
She guffawed and slapped my head
The clutched one tumbled from hair as I shook
Aug 29, 2020
Note:Limerick fun poetry Contest.
Syllables checked: Howmanysyllables.com
Sponsored by Tania Kitchin.
Categories:
guffawed, crazy, fun, humor, memory,
Form:
Limerick
I met a chap in an English pub and asked from whence he came.
"Harumph! I hail from Piddlehinton", he pompously did proclaim!
"And you sir?", he asked and I proudly puffed out my chest.
"I come from Bean Blossom, Indiana, USA, out of the great Midwest!"
With that we guffawed and began a dialogue about curious city names,
Quaffing pints of Guinness along, as we staked outrageous claims.
"Have you heard of Cripple Creek or French Lick?", I reported.
"No! 'Ave you 'eard of Mousehole or Puddletown?", he retorted.
I proffered the names of Bad Axe, Buzzards Bay and a place called Hazard.
He countered with Cockermouth, Muggleswick and a place named Lizard!
"If you visit the colonies stop by Pigeon Forge and Intercourse!"
"While you're 'ere visit Thunderjug and Giggleswick of course!"
He taunted me with names like Liphook, Lickey End and Crackpot,
But I boasted of Eek, Waxahachie, Bunkie and the burg of Jackpot!
He babbled on telling of Beanacre, North Piddle and Balls Cross.
I depleted my reservoir of names - I could only think of La Crosse!
He challenged me to a game of darts - the board was down the hall,
But in my delicate boozy condition, I could hardly see the wall!
I excused myself admitting that in darts and city names he was deft.
He was still muttering Birdlip, Fugglestone and Diddlebury as I left!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Categories:
guffawed, funny, places, city, me,
Form:
Rhyme
It Happened to me!
Have you seen Micky
he's wet and he's sticky
he fell into a bucket of cream.
Well I laughed and guffawed
then tripped on a board
that soon wiped the smile off my face.
Now Micky's wet, still sticky I bet
but unlike me was in the right place.
Cause the bucket of cream
was only a dream
But me!
I've bruising all over my face.
Categories:
guffawed, children, funny,
Form:
Lyric
Sintered tiles of green wreathed marbles
bejewelled in steps that elevate to where you are entombed
incense wafts white and slate, demure and shy
my growing guilt is deflowered by your-her friend's- sly smirk
she scoffs along-was she forgotten, faded and gone when you left her cow carcass dead
she winced and sighed names that were you- breathing in your sights and smells
that had faded bad and blue, she had meant it with every cigar cad
she was whisky and powder for long till we had her
and they screwed and pinned her to her cross
her passion was her death as it guffawed along
your memory comes late..she is lying in state!
I pay ,bray,stay,hay,lay and walk the green wreathed marble back!
Categories:
guffawed, lifegreen,
Form:
Free verse
encapsulated within the providing of fun through ha-ha’s
if you feel that you were born with the unfortunate reality of not being able to laugh at
anything---
if you cannot find anything
humorous---
if you have
never
ever
belted back & guffawed amongst friends
or
more importantly
sometimes amidst them (when they have no idea what it is that you are laughing at)---
because if you can laugh at your own jokes,
you know
you are closer to 46 & 2 than the rest of us left with the
old n’ moldy 44
but ya see
if you can’t find something funny
if you can’t find anything comical about the sheer
in
your
face
absurdity, which comes slamming into you at a break-neck pace
every day you are alive…
well,
goddamn---
it sucks to be you.
it sucks to be you because
the shortness of your life is bearing down upon you
yes,
it could be over in the next breath,
and yet,
you can’t laugh at even that?
think about how ridiculous your own existence is
think about the fact that out of a zillion sperm that could have found their way to that egg,
you
are the one that did the deed
you, who still can’t ride a bike
you, who has a drawer full of degrees but nothing coming close to some kind of occupation
which would reflect said “education”
lol
you, who would die if the microwave hadn’t been invented,
etcetera
etcetera
etcetera.
embrace the ludicrous!
take a bath in the hysterical!
go skateboarding with the jesters!
try a pudding pop with the knee-slappers!
wander with the bizzare, walk with the witty!
the whimsical!
the “weird”!---
you got ta have more time with the
good
humored
humans.
they are out there
you throw a stone and you will hit one
more like 2 or three
those that are out there fulfilling that most beautiful need
the need to laugh with your fellow species
and in that great guffaw
bring in that feeling of real enjoyment
owing nothing to anyone or anything but the
moment.
smile, you’re not dead yet.
Categories:
guffawed, life
Form:
Free verse
We danced in the rain
fleeing under our zincked roof only when the thunder roared
like we stepped on its tail
as the soles of our feet pattered on the earth
Mother would make supper
calling out to me, "Ghenerho. You'll get cold!"
And when I'll return she'll roll up her age-dyed wrapper over me
while I shivered on the spread mat on the cement floor,
lit oil lamp beside, warmth
slowly winning me over to sleep
while mother's mortar would echoe into the night
accompanied by rueful songs in her mouth
searching for father in the belly of the forest who had gone hunting.
Innocence wanted to be naked
It wanted to walk the paths bare, free
Youth was not envied
for its burden were shared among scoffers that guffawed
when dreams reaching high to the sky like bamboos
was met with marchets at the stem
"See who is dreaming about the white man's land! Who left among our
brothers and ever returned?"
I was contented to climb up mother's
laps, head buried in her cleavage
that never ran dry of love and lullabies that left me never to be weaned
when she sat on her wooden stool slowly rocking me away
with my names on her lips
Lost in the smoking firewoods
under the pot of the evening soup.
She dreamt of me, her proud
tears like palm kernel oil on my head.
I had not heard the lies the mirror told
Every nerve of my body motioned
to rhythms pure and true
and then strands of hair jutted out
my tender skin like grass after first rain
The big boys that no longer swim
naked in the stream laughed
"You are becoming a man Ghenerho"
and the girls giggling with waterpots on their heads
trekked down my navel
and innocence was imprisoned
by realization with my hands making for a quick cover
and sadly behind underwears and pants
never wished to be seen free again.
Categories:
guffawed, childhood, life, love, memory,
Form:
Free verse
Drop dead gorgeous dark eyed bus boy chased
Peer assured status, focus of my fascination
High fiving idol guffawed and elbowed adjacent
Mates in droves, admirers in rows, dreamy Damon
Enriched to glimpse soap opera face as I boarded
From boys' school nearby, the greener gender pasture
Glance at my rolled up skirt spoke to thoughts sordid
His fleeting grin sent collapsing knees, mates' laughter
In typical teenage fashion for the times, mid nineties
Before social media blinked million comment designation
Our exchange over months limited to several niceties
Emptying bus afternoon he asked me out, supreme elation
Profile examined in mirror the evening of our due movie
Re primped the pair of socks boosting breasts non existant
Had my (only) half decent outfit chosen for past two weeks
Prospect of dating Damon held no heart slowing assistance
Uneventful night pursued, spun by overwhelming innocence
Being too naive to encourage moves, nerves running riot
Our chaeffered lifts to cinemas knew no lip warming kiss
Closely guarded phone each evening, obstinately quiet
A month later, bus reverberated his revised standards
Update explained to his mates, his tastes were narrowing
One percent of girls bore requirements Damon demanded
Variety other than curvaceous blonde, saw attention souring
Perfunctory level of awareness, lack of inner dignity
Allowed me to continue, lust bound, blindly desiring
During next year, Damon must have woken to scarcity
Blonde eligible youngsters for his affection aspiring
Mirror had become a somewhat closer companion
Make up added maturity, curves came, and confidence
Outside brick walled front of school, squinted in sun
Damon boldly suggested our courting should recommence
Sideways glance with my fiend, Suzie, enclosed chapters
Desperately I pleaded with my fifteen year old foolishness
To keep a straight face as I turned him down, lustre lacking
"I don't know, " faux deep thought, " Chance is one percent"!
2nd August 2020
Dusty Old Memories Poem Contest
Sponsor: Constance La France
Categories:
guffawed, 9th grade, cute love,
Form:
Rhyme
Jack's wife went and burnt his favorite stew
He came home, kissed her, said: "Honey, what's new?"
Poor Jane hemmed and she hawed
Then husband Jack guffawed
Asked: "So what is it that smells like a shoe?"
Categories:
guffawed, food, husband, senses, wife,
Form:
Limerick