Best Funnymom Poems
A Child's Thanksgiving Prayer
Lord, I thank thee as I sit to eat,
For mashed potatoes that I helped to make.
And thanks, dear Lord, we're having something sweet.
Besides the beets and peas, there's pies and cake!
I thank thee for the sweet potatoes too
‘Cause Mom put tiny marshmallows on top.
They melted into white and taste goo;
Bless Mom, this time her cooking didn't flop!
And thanks, dear Lord, my cousins came today.
I only get to see them once a year.
It snowed, and so we're going out to play.
Only my aunt Ruthie isn't here.
I'm glad she caught a cold. Forgive me, Lord.
It's just she talks so much we kids get bored.
A Dad's Thanksgiving Prayer
Thanks, Lord, for this day of our Thanksgiving.
I've got a nice long weekend thanks to thee,
Starting with what I call really living-
Football on TV for me to see.
I'm thankful for this turkey on the table,
And for my wife, who bought it at the store
Even though she had to read the label
On how to cook the thing and even more . . .
Because this was her first time hosting dinner,
There was a lot my poor wife had to learn.
But the pumpkin pie turned out to be a winner,
And the gravy(which I love), she didn't burn!
And praise to thee, my kid is not as bad
As those that my wife's sister Annie had.
A Mom's Thanksgiving Prayer
I thank thee, Lord, for this Thanksgiving Day,
For helping hands to clear away this mess;
For snow to tempt the kids outside to play;
For all my family and the meal's success.
I haven't seen my sisters in a while.
Though Ruthie's gone, I'm glad we all can chat.
The men are in the den. Each wears a smile.
They're chugging Buds and happy getting fat.
I'm thankful too that Mom and Dad are here.
They're taking all the kids to see a show
Tomorrow while the men are drinking beer.
I hope nobody gets into a row!
Bless Mom and Dad. The kids will have them hopping
(Especially Annie's kids) while we're out shopping!
For PD's "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.. any food, thanksgiving
or turkey poem CONTEST.. Poetry Contest"
“Why do the Rams behave violently?”
The little boy queried of his father.
“They need all their might to fight the Jaguars,
But Jags are fast, don’t know why they bother.”
“And why do Broncos try to beat up on Colts?
Wouldn’t this be much like you hitting me?”
The unhappy father just shook his head
“It’s competition, son, you just don’t see.”
“Daddy, this is not what I hoped to find
At a zoo like other children describe.”
“The football zoo is better than others
Some animals here throw games for a bribe.”
“But you told Mom we would see a real zoo,”
The youngster groaned, sadly eying the field.”
“Please just tell Mom you saw animals play
If she learns where we went, my fate is sealed.”
* For Barbara Gorelick's "Zoo" competition
There's a mole in the middle of my belly
That gives me bilateral symmetry
For a belly dancer it might prove entertaining
Though that’s not my thing, I’m not complaining
Not a “new age” mole, this one’s a lifer
And it’s purpose I’ve tried to decipher
You see, mom had one too, in the same spot
And dad used to tease her about it a lot
He called it a “beauty mark” on her shapely figure
And he boasted she made it work sensually with rigor
So when I view this mark, I sense a connection
Genetically endowed by mom from inception
And though there’s no man in my life for a workout
Its strategic placement makes me refrain from growing stout
It’s the first thing men notice when I don a bikini
So I strive to keep the surrounding tummy teeny
I come over home schoolers house
He looks me up and down
am no looker
But the boy's looking
"So am suppose to help you out or somein?"
I nod without a word
He grins like satan
And im burning up in hell
"So hows it like being home schooled?"
He looks at me,use to the question and knowing the answer by heart
"Ive got free food"
And i laugh,he throws butterflies in my stomach
He sits me down
and he bends down for my bag
And looks up
I seductively say:Are you high?
He nodds
And i gap
He replies:High in 7th heaven
And takes my hand
The next thing i know im trying to get on his lap
But that chairs in the way
He flicks the chair
And he carries me easily onto the couch
But before i could get his lips
He collides onto the ground
his mom staring at us wildly
No more crazy fun for us
He looks at me with a frown
"Sometimes,i wish my mom would leave off school grounds"
***Humour and lips are a great combo=) ***
For a missing friend Booboo who knows awwe to well
"I shall be telling this with a sigh"
Robert Frost
As a youth I must admit
I was careless as could be
my Mom would get so flustered
trying to get through to me.
Whether I would run or jump
or maybe climb up in a tree
"If you break a leg, she'd warn me,
don't come running home to me!"
When I got into trouble
it was for sure I'd have to pay
"Just wait until your dad comes home"
is what she would always say!
When I was in a hurry
and forgot to close the door
"Do you live in a barn?" She'd ask
then I'd get the old "what-for"!
Yea, Mom had her hairy moments
which I admit, I caused a few.
She said I helped her hair turn gray
as I think back - I guess that's true!
Sorry Mom - God bless.
Both Mom and Dad felt so very ill at ease.
Impotent when it came to discussing the birds and bees.
Reading up on how to handle a subject so delicate,
Determined to provide Johnny with knowledge accurate!
Sit down, there's something we need to discuss with you,
And it ain't your acne - it's a topic about which you have no clue.
Nothing will be held back - we're laying everything on the table.
Don't be shy about asking questions and join in if you're able.
Because this matter is so important we want you to be well versed.
Endure with us because we want you to hear it from us first.
Excuse me Mom and Dad, save your breath, 'cause you see,
Sex education was thoroughly discussed in school during my puberty!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 10 in Carol Brown's "The Birds and Bees" Contest - September 2010
It's awkward and strange,
and if I had to sum it up
in about four words
They would be
My mom was driving.
Not romantic, just weird.
And when we got to the movies
mom went to the other side of the theater
realizing her presence on my first date was
ridiculously embarrassing
We didn't really talk to each other
I didn't know what to say
and you didn't either.
And I don't really remember much of the movie
because what I do remember is your arm
around the back of my seat
an inch away from direct contact
I'm sure you eventually recovered
some feeling in your arm
in a few years, I bet.
On the way home
it was equally silent
and equally awkward
And our relationship
didn't work out
but I hadn't really expected it to
So here's my hint to you, kids.
Just don't go on a first date
with your mom in the car.
~~~~~
Written for the contest: First Date
My wife made me write this
With a gun to my head
She told me to type it
Just like she said
She wants me to tell you
Her mom is a saint
To change in your minds
The pictures I paint
Her mom is not ugly
She's a beauty queen
She's the sweetest woman
That I've ever seen
Her butt is not huge
It's really petite
Her breath smells like flowers
Refreshing and sweet
Well, I just can't do it
I won't tell a lie
She'll just have to shoot me
I don't care if I d..
I'm sorry my husband will not be writing anymore poems....
He's went missing.....
When we were little girls
My mom used to give us raisins
I couldn't figure out why
Why would someone eat it?
Why put the little shriveled thing in your mouth?
But then she told us...
The sun had done that
So when we ate the raisins
It was like gobbling up the sunshine
And my sister immediately
Ate every single one of hers
But I just didn't understand
Why would I want to eat the sun?
And why did it shrivel up this poor
Little fruit, once full of juice
I also didn't go outside
Without a huge rain coat on
For fear of the sun shriveling me up like the raisin
It took years for my mom
To convince me different
And for the first time, I ate a raisin
The saddest part is
I liked it...
Hehe