Best Fit To Be Tied Poems
A desperate housewife I knew
had such mundane housework to do.
Being so tired of it,
she decided to quit.
Then off to Las Vegas she flew.
Having always been such a lithe girl,
she thought “I’ll give dancing a whirl!”
Her audition went well.
From a large oyster shell
She emerged, so they all dubbed her Pearl.
Her skin, soft and fair, shone like dew
as she smiled with eyes crystal blue.
All the men threw her money
as her voice, sweet as honey,
called out, “Let me entertain you!”
As Pearl danced each night, looking pretty,
Her husband, back in her home city,
was fit to be tied,
thinking maybe she’d died!
Poor fool didn’t have a clue, did he!
Unbeknownst to sweet Pearl, her “dear” spouse
had been sneaking off as she’d played house.
To conventions he’d said
he was going. Instead,
he’d been gambling in Vegas, that louse!
Off to strip clubs he’d gone every chance
that he got. How he loved to see dance
naked women all sizes
in sexy disguises
while his wife at home longed for romance.
Now the tables were very much turned.
And her husband was feeling quite spurned.
He would sleep restlessly
thinking where could she be!!
But her whereabouts he never learned.
No longer could he run away
on a whim. He still had bills to pay.
That cleaning and cooking
meant no time for looking
at girls! He had less time to play.
In Vegas, his wife had come far.
In fact, she was a superstar.
Wearing naught but a fan,
she’d entice every man,
then drive home in a pearl-colored car!
Her spouse lost his job. The years fled.
His wife he then had declared dead.
But with no job in sight,
he’d stay home each night,
with loneliness causing him dread.
Do you think this guy ever has let
his conscience feel any regret
that his wife did so much
while he gambled and such?
Has he learned anything at all yet?
Did he marry and get a new bride?
Did Pearl go and change her sweet ride
to a sleek red Corvette,
and did SHE marry yet?
I leave it to YOU to decide!
Written June 2016 for the Desperate Housewife Contest of PD
I'm Restless and defeated
Feeling overwhelmed and cheated
My Plate about to topple
Don't you dare pop that waffle
Shut your mouth and the door
Clean the dog pee off the floor
Fit to be tied, mouth foaming
Computer died, phone roaming
Don't look at me with that cheesy grin
My patience, like ice, that's growing thin
Just finished my Alaskan shower
Thanks to you bathing for an hour
Spent my last dollar topping off my tank
Just to find, my car won't crank
Pants ripped when I bent over
Picking up a 3 leafed clover
Dog ran off, didn't think he'd go far
As luck would have it, he was hit by a car
thought we'd spend the day, saying goodbye
Would you believe, he didn't die
At the vet, running up my credit
I'll revise my budget again and re edit
Sporting a cone around his head
The doctor said he should be hand fed
It's ok, I have time to spare
Out of work due to an allergy flare
Looking like a blowfish with chicken pox
Hamster got loose at the delight of a fox
Kids called the cops for animal abuse
Handcuffed for 2 hours before they let me loose
Neighborhood kids, come knocking
I wish I could say it was the least bit shocking
Leaving doors open, letting in the flies
I hide in the bathroom and find I have spies
Little feet under the shower curtain
Bottoms spanked, hands hurtin
Crawl in the bed at 1 a.m.
Sleep for 5 hours, then do it again
One of my grandsons, name of Benjamin
He likes eating toast made with cinnamon
But uses his wits
To not eat his grits
Then excuses himself like a gentleman
Charlie thrives on competition
Out smarting you is his mission
Bear hugs
Tiny bugs,
And “stick to it” repitition
William’s impish smile is contagious
The attention he wants is outrageous
That slobbery kiss
He can’t let you miss
Borders on being sanctimonious
The little princess is Laura Nance
She wears frilly, girlish underpants
She loves a warm lap
Cartoons and a nap
Getting attention with a coy glance
Joseph loves learning karate
He seldom is rude or naughty
A steady grind
Kicking behind
Finding wisdom beats the haughty
There is much to say of Caroline
She is definitely DNA of mine
Quietly aggressive
Lovingly possessive
She calculates when to toe the line
Jackson just started to first grade
I’m sure he has more game plans made
Like the rest
Mom knows best
His lunch is PBJ and marmalade
Colin just finished his S.A.T.
I’m sure he did better than me
Sharp as a tack
Knows how to rack
The pool balls to break wimpily.
Derek made the junior varsity
The “main man” he would seem to be.
Fit to be tied,
Praise not denied,
He’s still that six foot little boy to me.
Ryan—such a smart young man
I teach him a card trick when I can
He learned how to play
Challenged me one day
Skunked me then got up and ran
Three dogs, alpaca and a kit
Where in my family do they fit
My pseudo grands
By a daughter’s hands
Who admires them more than a bit
© 02 Dec 2010 Charles Henderson
In spite of the way I was doomed in the past
I might have resumed all my duties at last
The ship captain's daughter who killed for a lark
Was tossed overboard in the path of a shark
The captain himself made a pitch in the punch
For helping the witch who was having my lunch
The bulk of the pirates were sure I was dead
The captain was second-in-line to be fed
I learned of his fate from an old pirate mate
A scurvy old sailor who thought I was great
A stable companion when we were at sea
Who seemed rather stunned by the image of me
He thought I returned as a spirit or ghost
Or maybe the wrath of a watery host
The image of someone who died for the harm
Of hurting the lady who fell for his charm
He cried like a baby to learn I was real
And not merely someone who died as a meal
The friend that he knew by the fact I was kind
A gentleman pirate with nothing in mind
The captain was dead, so he offered himself
To serve in his stead from the top of the shelf
The pirates were pleased so they voted him in
To serve by the curve of his broad, toothy grin
I asked my old friend if the couple they tried
Were found to be fit or just fit to be tied
He told me the captain was mad as a hatter
And even his daughter was no laughing matter
The lady was grinning when you made a splash
She said that you died when they took out the trash
We stared at each other and said this can't be
That pirates and shipmates should die stupidly
The captain was drunk when he made his mistake
But when you are sunk there is no second take
He plead for his life and he plead for his daughter
We fed them on board and we fed them in water
When learning of late that my captain was dead
I turned from my mate and I lowered my head
The man was reduced by the last of his brood
But no one alive should be treated as food
I knew that my life as a pirate was done
When I was a fool in the course of my fun
The future of pirates on land may be dim
But even a pirate should know how to swim
So many brave pirates who plunder in wigs
Are trading the sea for a cow and some pigs
My life as a pirate is what I love best
But even a pirate must bury his chest...
With an ebony plunge in the sea tonight
With the sky in a rage and fit to be tied
emerging opacity sleeps in my eyes-
clouds to be burned at the seams
WIth a storm iron grey on the tip of my tongue
With wings, liquid wings as I take the plunge
emerging with silver flips licking my mouth-
on a night of insatiable hunger.
Mollie's gone and lost her brolly,
left it on the bloomin' trolley,
what to do now she's fried,
Mollie's fit to be tied,
unprotected, without any lolly!
NOTE: for a dear friend!
'lolly' Br. slang for money.
Mollie's gone and lost her brolly,
left it on the bloomin' trolley,
what to do now she's fried,
Mollie's fit to be tied,
unprotected, without any lolly!
NOTE: for a dear friend!
The Goblin takes his place TQ at the start of the race
Five more goody two shoes line up through sixth place
Pumpkin bombs locked at the ready
To turn these five fools into confetti
The tone in five, four, three, two, one,
Gang green trees it at the start gun
A red rocket behind him named Spidey puts four to the floor
Followed by some Iron guy who takes a Hulk to the back door
Something Strange lined up at five on the grid
Is number 6 a raccoon or a very hairy kid?
Ten laps in the Goblin out front who would have thought
The Hulk smashed to number two, a pumpkin all that he got
The Goblins on rails with his slick ride
Did he coat his tires with Astroglide?
The rest of the pack fit to be tied, but they couldn't find a pass against the other green ride
For the Hulk drives like a giant in a car that might as well be eight bare feet wide
The leader cackles, giving his steering a quick flip
"Checkers or Wreckers suckers" and landing a sick whip
Strange tried some overtly magical quip
No match though for the Goblins fast ship
One lap is left the white flag is shown
The hairy kids missile now known
The final corner the Goblin smells blood in the water
Rocket with the inside pass, Goblins efforts just fodder
Marvel or DC Superhero or Supervillian Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Robert James Liguori
2-26-2024
Mollie's gone and lost her brolly,
left it on the bloomin' trolley,
what to do now she's fried,
Mollie's fit to be tied,
unprotected, without any lolly!
*******
Notes:
brolly = umbrella
lolly = money
bloomin' = friggin'
for the uninitiated...
A year ago could we have guessed
we could be in bad times like this?
Where we'd be tethered to our homes
and could not our grand-children kiss?
It is lonely living alone
when none are allowed to stop by,
unless they stay six feet away.
It would make a stone grandma cry.
Easter came and then Easter left,
and we were left in the lurch.
We wondered how we could enjoy
Easter, without our loved church.
Political problems aside,
I truly am fit to be tied.
Why must we change our lives around
because someone in China has died?
It's because our world has shrunken.
We're only a few hours from there.
Bad things happen in any country
we in the USA must care.
We're coming back in short phases,
and no one in charge seems to care
that I'm needing my hair-dresser
to be able to do my hair.
By: Joyce Johnson
I am fed up with being an angry mom
I'm fit to be tied and their doing it wrong
I didn't ask for much, just some time alone
But 4 busy hands are tagging along
Oh how I love them. Let me count the ways
But this different person, this new phase
This figet spinner, epidemic craze
I feel like they hate me, most days
Each day they grow more wise
I see it in their intentional eyes
Manipulating mom provides a rise
With repetitive, horrific sounding cries
Go outside! I can't deal
Yes, my child, I'm for real
I need a moment of quiet and still
It's time to take my happy pill
I'd be long gone if looks could kill
But I'm still alive against my will
There must be a bucket you could fill
Just keep it outside so it can spill
Give me a break and I'll prepare a meal
It's truly a shame to feel this way
It's hard to feel and worse to say
My fried nerves have gone astray
But this is only every other day
Knowing that hindsight is today’s wisdom
And yesterday is where my smarts come from.
Of many lessons learned ,some I can share
So that maybe others may be more aware.
So, from now on I will check for my keys before I slam the door, and not use pledge to shine the hardwood floor.
From now on the bread will be at the top of the shopping cart and that garden rake will be teeth down from the start.
For it’s no fun to be locked outside or find oneself on a flat sock slide.
And slices of dough that are flat as pie are hard to see through a rake handled eye.
So from now on
that sun lotion is applied first thing and the phone is off before I sing , I know who’s car that I am gettin in,and that spare ain’t flat before I need the thing.
For a sunburned noggin hurts,we clear?,even when screaming my song in some perplexed persons ear,
And those folks were sure fit to be tied when I opened their rear door to climb inside and changing one tire is bad enough, But a flat for a flat is really rough.
From now on speaks volumes to me, for it allows transformity.
So as long as I can say “from now on”
I can look forward and back with great anticipation,
For hope and reflection equals my transformation.
While climbing the corporate ladder,
Jill zoomed right by Jack. He got madder
than a wet hen. Then, fit to be tied,
so determined to soothe his hurt pride,
he told lies on her. “Cheater!” he cried.
Everyone knew the unvarnished truth:
Jack was dishonest, mean, and uncouth!
Only ONE paid Jack any attention~~
his employer. I feel I must mention
Jack got kicked to the curb with no pension!
As for Jill, she has earned the respect
she is shown. All know she won’t neglect
any duty, and her employees
know she cares about them. Each, she sees
as a team member she’s glad to please.
...to the one, the only
Mollie's gone and lost her brolly,
left it on the bloomin' trolley,
what to do now, she's tried,
she is fit to be tied,
unprotected, without any lolly!
just in case... brolly=umbrella, lolly=money!
The moment that I met you
Was the moment that I died.
The moment that I touched you,
I was soon fit to be tied.
You gave me all these reasons,
Then you made it bang or burst,
After all these countless seasons,
There is nothing left but lust.
The energy you needed,
Was what I could not spare.
Should’ve seen early your nature,
But I was young, and unaware.
In one single college summer,
You wrapped me in your daze,
And now eight long years later,
I still mired in the haze.
It’s a tainted emotion,
Puts me up against the wall,
Out of time,
Your love’s not mine,
We’ll never have it all.
It’s a tainted emotion,
Fills me with cold dread,
Should be a dream,
But I want to scream,
When I lay with you in bed.
The feelings I imagined,
Were illusions that you craved.
The lies I told to keep them,
Went on far too many days.
What remains inside me now,
Is weather, tired, and cold,
Not even seen thirty, yet
I’m feeling so damn old!
The pictures we painted
Were shadows wrapped in shade.
The ideal you’re in love with,
Is the dreg of a younger age.
Too tired for pretending
That there’s something we can be.
Time now to cut our losses,
For both of us to go free.
It’s a tainted emotion,
Puts me up against the wall,
Out of time,
No longer mine,
I’m begging for the fall.
It’s a tainted emotion,
And if fills me with cold dread
I regret the day
Made the mistake
Of letting you in my head.