Best Deductions Poems
You have disregarded instructions
Thus claiming improper deductions
Send money by mail
And IF you should fail
Your paycheck will suffer reductions...
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax” - Albert Einstein
Submitted for: John Freeman’s contest
Categories:
deductions, angst, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
Can't follow 1040 instructions?
Need help claiming all those deductions?
Trump knows what you need
Is not chicken feed
But his lawyers skilled in seductions
Categories:
deductions, money,
Form:
Limerick
You play me for stupid.
You strum me with lust
across the brass bed,
all the words lying in the dust
of an old refrain.
You play me for stupid
while your smiles suck,
fluttering eyelashes duck
down to cover this
pain in here.
The slithering stealth
of your seductions
no longer intrigues.
I play my deductions,
subtraction reaction
as you disappear
with your tambourine.
Categories:
deductions, history, places, song-me, me,
Form:
Free verse
The hoopla of Christmas has come and gone
The checkbook for that spree is overdrawn
Lord, please have mercy on me
I can already foresee
To pay Uncle Sam my dog I must pawn
Outsourcing IRS I can't condone
They linked me up to Sierra Leone
I just could not comprehend
The guy on the other end
It was a nasty discourse on the phone
This year the IRS has bled me dry
May have to mortgage the house to comply
I've searched for more deductions
But find no more reductions
It hurts to laugh and I'm too old to cry
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 6 in Carolyn Devonshire's "Taxing Times" Contest - Feb 2011
Categories:
deductions, funnyme,
Form:
Limerick
Dedicated to Donald Duck
You are greatly admired
By the following
The deplorables
Kellyanne Conway
She will con you all the way!
Adolph Hitler
Joseph Stalin
Mussolini
Sarah Palin
Pol Pot
Vladimir Putin
Saudi Royals
Palestinian boils
Tayyip Erdogan
Rudy Giuliani
Mike Pence
Chris Christie
Fran Drescher
Denis Rodman
Jesse Ventura
Astor Mark Burns the fraud and con artist
Ben Carson, the brain surgeon who lost his own brain
Now that’s totally insane
Bechir Assad
Kim Jong-un
Dennis Rodmam, Kim Dongs boyfriend
Gene Simmons, Kiss my ass
Zoltan Bathory, stop the drugs man
Loretta Lynn a hick with redneck whims
Bruce Willis is an actor and a racist with no car(e)
Jessica Simpson is blonde and maybe Trump hasnt grabbed her kitten
Sylvester Stallone will soon be all alone
Unless Donald is gay then a bromance is etched in stone
Illusions of self grandeur
Fantasies of men born to slander
Trump is a sleaze and con and a fraud
If you buy in, you’re a chump and a sod
Stop and think, stop the drink
You have choices and diverse options
Build bridges not walls
In the end, together we shall all stand tall
Maybe not, then too late, we shall atomically fall
A narcissist and psycho of that it’s for sure
He takes charitable deductions claiming he is pure
As he evicts the poor and mentally challenged
Who voted for him while being tossed out the door
Notes: With rights come responsibilities, although this is always a balance it seems we as a society are very concerned with out rights and much less with out responsibilities. I encourage anyone who truly cares to go and find a book called “Berlin Diary 1934-1941” and read it. First it’s a personal account of the times, and any book that covers humanity and day to day life for me carries a more humanistic weight to the story, however the main point is this. Hitler said and acted very much in the same way Donald Trump does today. That educated men stand behind Trump as well as many uneducated ones, is sad, they are more concerned with their own careers than doing the right thing. Of note, The Bushes seem to have long before it was popular, distance themselves from Trump.
Categories:
deductions, bible, butterfly, death, nonsense,
Form:
Free verse
This nation, this grand experiment in freedom, is lost.
We are in debt to nations that have never had freedom
And we are to blame. That great silent majority that did not vote.
and all those representatives that allowed us to fail.
A friend called it corporate greed I question the corporate
Up until now all I have done is observe.
It seems to have been a lifetime occupation
What could I have done to prevent this?
Can it be fixed?
Can we just cease paying the salaries and benefits
Of the representatives who have sold us out?
Is their blind ignorance and lack of character beyond recovery?
What kind of freedom is this that allows thievery?
In the name of taxation
Let's hide the enormity of it in payroll deductions
Social Security is a joke our representatives do not get
They have benefits that are way beyond that pittance
Why have we sunk into apathy so far we allowed it?
Why do we still allow it?
This trough they have built to wallow in should be
plated in gold and held up as an example for future
civilizations to fear.
I truly believe we have sunk beyond our capacity to recover.
As to survival? I and my family are capable of finding food and shelter
in New England.
Are You?
Categories:
deductions, historyfreedom,
Form:
Epitaph
There is a field where Sherman marched
Across the bloody South
Just beside a freeway, that connects it to the North
No one builds and no one plants on hallowed bloody ground
And late at night tis said there’s ghosts that hover all around
In the spring there’s beauty on this poor forgotten place
No one live remembers the men who died with grace
No cell phones or gadgets to escape the fear and dread
Letters lost or just delayed were part of war twas said
Brothers fighting brothers in a bloody senseless brawl
Shattering a country while a death rate took its toll.
Marching cross the U.S. burning towns just shortly built--
Lynching and destroying without a modicum of guilt.
Streamlined education doesn’t bother with “ancient” facts
Parents want a fast track deal –full deductions in their tax
Highlight education is the modern style—on line.
No room for the how’s and why’s –there simply isn’t time.
So, if you seek reflection in a conversation pit
Find an avid reader for a talk with any wit.
Categories:
deductions, education, history, war,
Form:
Ode
Turbo Tax - (Sing to the tune, "Jingle Bells," refrain only)
My TurboTax, dear TurboTax—
Oh, what a friend you are!
I enter facts, you process facts—
You are my shining star!
No need to think what I must do—
Just type my numbers in!
Behind my screen your magic works
To help me lose or win.
Income, deductions, interest too
Go right into their place,
Added, subtracted, multiplied
And saved in the right space.
I log off soon to take a break,
And then when I return,
You jump to where I had left off—
No need for my concern!
You check for errors off and on,
So quick to verify;
I am so very happy you
Make sure my numbers fly!
The end result, I hold my breath—
Refund? Or do I owe?
With all tax-saving tips, you find,
I should get back some dough!
Sandra M. Haight
~1st Place~
Contest: Sing Me…A Jingle!
Sponsor: Lyric Man
Judged: 07/18/2015
Categories:
deductions, computer, internet, money,
Form:
Lyric
Rich ones get richer from our wages.
Middle man paid with too many pages.
We continue on path.
Hiding outrageous wrath,
Revolved in political stages,
Taxes, taxes, what will be the due.
Deductions, exemptions for a few,
All my money they have kept.
Deducting tears I wept.
Tax man arrived claimed all of them too.
The poor keeps getting poorer each year.
They cannot wait for rebate, they cheer.
Sell off, early rebate.
Federal and the state,
Money now, money, for wine and beer,
Written for
Sponsor Carolyn Devonshire
Contest Name Taxing Times
Categories:
deductions, funny, history, life, parody,
Form:
Limerick
Citizens, rise as one and rejoice,
Taxmas is come, though not by your choice.
April fifteenth, a date so sublime,
great meaning in the term, tax deadline.
Break out the pencils, erasers and paper,
it’s time for another financial caper.
Dust off that box of moldy receipts,
every year your tax routine repeats.
Set aside ethics, social obligation,
it’s time to answer the call of your nation.
Dig deep with a true spirited heart,
each man for himself right from the start.
Bring forth those fictional charity donations,
this is a time for heightened imaginations.
Donations for beer runs surely are fine,
but dollars to strippers may cross the line.
Deductions, exemptions in grand display,
try changing the numbers in every way.
Remember, the IRS is your closest friend,
they will be right by your side to the bitter end.
Fill out the tax form in clearest black ink,
every space filled with whatever you think.
Break out the checkbook; then send your check in,
pray no auditor discovers your sin.
Robert Gene Stoner Jr ©
2/10/16
Categories:
deductions, fun, poetry,
Form:
Rhyme
Who is that ambling up the lane
With woolly wherewithal?
Few would bother to explain
An aimless animal.
But that's no common woolmonkey
Seeking out the truth
Deductions elementary:
It's Sherlock Sheep, the sleuth.
Sometimes you may not know he's there
Behind cunning disguise
A woolly mind is brought to bear
In cutting through the lies
The daft sheep form you see by day
Is just another ruse
Whilst eating through a flower display
He's searching after clues
A murder in the midden
Or a stabbing by the stye
A trespasser unbidden
Or crop circles in the rye
All puzzles for the intellect
But have no fear of doubt
The woolly noggin shall detect
The sheep will work it out
He may be here, he may be there
He may be with the flock
No tell tale trace betrays just where
The sheep who's named Sherlock
But when dire duty comes to call
You'll find him there in place
A comfort to be felt by all:
The sheep is on the case
Categories:
deductions, adventure, animal, fantasy, funny,
Form:
Rhyme
Who were you today,
at your best moments?
Grouchy hermit
already missing quality dream times
and rhythms
when chimes greet pre-light's crust frosty dawn,
to get Yang, then Yin, up and out of our sangha,
ready to enter their own daytime sanghas,
tired drama of such anciently perennial retired,
repeat,
reiterate,
Monday through Friday.
Notice
red coal scale patterns
in blackened ash logs,
burning to fluffy carbon chalk,
nutrient potential for some soils,
although not mine,
perhaps my neighbor's?
Joy
for a bright, although admittedly too intermittent, sun,
sliding in and out of hiding.
A smile,
where one would otherwise have been sadly absent.
Cold
feeling Arctic on my ears and neck
and nose
and onward through
toward my aching bone marrow,
near my well-heated
and brightly lit
domestic non-destination.
Ellen Fisher on NPR saying
"No one gets out of love alive."
with so much enthusiasm and passion
for regenerative feelings and empathic maturing capacity
to manage anger's ego-offense
with a strong remembering love's co-opportunity defense
against high risk anthro-entitled,
narcissistic ego-bratty behavior.
Gratitude
for Yin political and economic cooperative investments
seeking Earth harmonic balance.
Terror
of untimely taxing rest as grace,
of older-wiser intent
without time to hear Earth's glamorous response,
to new found mutually speaking freely parts
and songs of dancing glances
Eagerly lifting
blue tarp skirt
of my elegantly stacked woodpile,
seducing me with more hard fuel
for erotic clandestine fires.
Feeling PoisonYang feeding on my trinitarian blind
and bald spot,
sucking in any embodied nutrients she might hope to find
within such great grand fatherly care,
laughing together
at just how silly we appear
even to our wu-wei selves,
together better
than apart
Still mind embodied fullness
content contention in this narrow midway
modestly chasing Gods of True Love reborn
Resisting insisting
long-married Gods and Goddesses of Angry Past Deductions
fueling Fear of Future's Inductive Reduction
dualdark disfunction
Confluent inhumane demise
sinking unease
singing ease
to full mooned
yin-hibernating
yang-hypernation
waning waxing sways.
Categories:
deductions, children, family, health, humor,
Form:
Parallelismus Membrorum
May the Lord please circumvent.
My new abode, an oxygen tent.
Of course, I won't pay any rent.
Illusions going heaven sent.
Manifest a daily toast.
Inhaling just a legal dose.
Believing its just the most.
What! you mean Depart my cave?
Don,t you know I,m well behaved?
If E>T> was humane he,d have it made.
Friends outside my tent would wave.
Inside i,d try with all my might.
To get higher than a kite.
Please wear no frown.
My feet are firmly on the tent ground.
I would work with little rest.
May these inventions please be blessed.
Deductions that fit your taxes.
City jobs not needing license.
Little pills, a cure for all.
All while causing no withdraw.
Paten-leather sandals with suction soles.
As sleep walkers up tall buildings goes.
Nite-caps with pipped hair-pins.
Protecting sleep walkers from crisp winds.
Comfort cloths pins that fit your nose.
Sprinkled with extra-strength no-dose.
Printing press that dollars churn-out.
Glowing candles that never burn-out.
Oh, You know the list is endless.
So please remember who your friend is.
Before I sign-off, may I say.
Have yourself a very, very merry day.
God Bless!
Categories:
deductions, humor,
Form:
LETTER TO THE TAXMAN
We have to give too much in tax payment.
I suppose you don’t find it funny but I meant
Taxes in Texas seems like a double entendre,
Or suppose I signed myself the Nevada Evader.
Everybody’s in trouble because of tax and you.
IOWA may soon become known as IOU,
Missouri may become the OWE ME state.
When DC reaches for a statehood date
It’s nickname should be PAY ME.
Now, I know that nothing comes free
But have patience with me please:
I want to pay you, but it don’t grow on trees.
My savings box contains nix-to-the-max.
Now, maybe a sly fox could fix his return with a fax,
Or put a hex on your lox, with his bad behavior lax,
But I simply send you no money, and I want pax.
Please allow me deductions for my dress-code mix -
Though wearing a tux might vex the collector of tax,
I might be simply seem a figure of wax.
P.S. I like sex wearing six sox while playing the sax.
Categories:
deductions, funnyme, may, me,
Form:
Couplet
The hoopla of the Holiday Season has now come and gone.
Cash in the bank to pay for that spree is nigh overdrawn!
Just when I thought I was free of serious financial strain,
A packet arrived from the IRS hintin' that its tax time again!
I'll bet the feller who wrote the instructions is still a-grinnin',
As we common folk try to figger it out with our heads a-spinnin'!
My learned wife is smarter than I but she couldn't help me any.
The consarned thing may as well have been written in Afghanistani!
Although the intricacies of the system I don't quite understand,
With my trusty abacus, records and sharpened pencil in hand,
I attack the puzzlin' task hopin' that I can prevail,
Preparin' it to their satisfaction thereby avoidin' jail!
Double checkin my figgers and searchin' for deductions,
I can find no legal way to come up with further reductions.
I stare in dismay at the 'Taxable Income' on line twenty-seven.
Alas, again this year there'll be no manna from heaven!
Even with astute pencil-whippin', withheld taxes come up short.
I may have to mortgage the house to send funds with my report!
Another tax year has ended and again they have bled me dry!
As Honest Abe once said, "It hurts to much to laugh and I'm too old to cry!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved
Categories:
deductions, confusion, humorous, may, me,
Form:
Rhyme