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Workshop Poem: Third Parallel

My first love - when we ended,
They told me to pray to God,
And that he would make time,
My new best friend.
And with the love I had for you,
The despair I would fall out of.
My second love - when we ended,
They did not tell me anything,
For what really could they say?
I sit and watch the hands of grace,
Embalming memories of emotion.
Love forbidden to ever die but,
Peace in how under time it hides.
So I still know,
In spirits and parallels,
I am still with you both,
And this was never written.

#2

From a brunette final encore,
they told me to pray to God,
and that he would make time
my new best friend.
And with the love I had for you,
the despair I would fall out of, but
when blond strands reached split ends,
they did not tell me anything,
for what really could they say?
I sat and watched the hands of grace,
embalming memories of emotion.
Love forbidden to ever die, but
peace in how under time it hides.
So I still know,
in spirits and parallels,
I am still with you both,
and this was never written.

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Bernard F. Asuncion

Date: 11/24/2016 8:16:00 PM

And with the love I had for you, Lovely poem... Congrats on being featured

Constance La France

Date: 11/24/2016 4:18:00 PM

Rob, there are some great lines in your poem like... embalming memories of emotion... and many others, well done and congratulations on having it selected as a Featured Poem this week.

Skat A

Date: 6/9/2015 11:51:00 PM

Rob, nice to see this one

Rob Carmack

Date: 5/12/2015 11:29:00 PM

Beatrice: Yes, it is time consuming. Wait til it gets to 35. If we had the option of limiting it 10, then it would be a lot easier. I wish I had more time. I do like what has happened here. I like the second version better. I incorporated your suggestion. Thank you for hosting this workshop and your help. Yours, Puck.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/12/2015 8:30:00 PM

I think the masses are getting exhausted. LOL... It is a lot of work to run between more than twenty poems, give suggestions, take suggestions. We may need jugs of espresso, soon. I like what you've done here,how about you? I do see that you ended the 6th line in a preposition... is there a way you can turn that? The line before that, and with the love I had for you...would "but" relate better to the lines before and then after? I will not be on line much tomorrow. Touch base later, Beatrice

Rob Carmack

Date: 5/10/2015 1:58:00 PM

Andrea & Beatrice: I suppose I could change 'it' to 'love'. I was thinking that since the comma connects the lines, the reader would know that 'it' would be Love. Now I am thinking: Maybe keep it, because in a way, both love and peace hide under time. Peace hides first, then during the 'getting over' process, Peace and Love change places.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/10/2015 2:27:00 AM

I think its because you have a lot going on in those two lines. Love is forbidden. Love dies, ever. Though love is every dying and forbidden you have found peace. The peace is brought by time passing. Peace is "it" or love is "it" Love hides? or Peace hides? I think you mean, love can never really die, even if those you have loved die and the passing of time brings you a kind of peace. The way you've strung the words together is awkward, a "tongue/mind" trip.

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 5/8/2015 10:19:00 PM

If you were less cryptic, I could understand the second half better, but you like to be cryptic, so I don't know what else to say. Only that it sounds pleasing to the ear and having read nearly all your poems, I would put it on the side of those poems of yours that are my preferred ones. (the one line awkward for me is line 13, the one about "peace in how under time it hides" maybe say that in a better way. )

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 5/9/2015 12:44:00 PM

It is awkward Engish. I am not sure what you mean by it, rob. Maybe if you explain its meaning. do you mean...but feeling peace in how time hides? how love hides under time? Under peace? if you reword it to make it clear, I think that will help a lot.

Rob Carmack
Date: 5/8/2015 11:00:00 PM

I will have to think about line 13, I like it though. So it disrupted the flow for you?

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 5/8/2015 10:14:00 PM

aha, here it is. I will read it like you asked me to, rob! are you going to take Catie's suggestion about the all caps at the beginning of each line? A publisher once told me that modern poems need to do away with the caps at the lines' beginnings. Knowing a bit of your history helps me better to understand your poem, rob. Like Cyndi says, the last line is really fantastic! my personal suggestion: lose the comma after time, line 3 (if you mean that time is the best friend).

Rob Carmack
Date: 5/8/2015 10:52:00 PM

Yes, going to kill the unnecessary CAPS. Line 3 comma going to go too.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/8/2015 9:08:00 PM

An idea to bring the reader with you, back to them, could be to start with First love, (here put a characteristic trait written as a moniker) Soooo... if this were my history, First love, city hick, like the cool of a shade tree, (you put your sweetest memory in there) whether you go another line, two lines or three is up to you... as you write you may feel the parallel emerge. Good. Let yourself go there. (again, this is advice to keep, toss, diss or dismiss, all is good) It may take 3 drafts

Rob Carmack
Date: 5/8/2015 9:52:00 PM

Sweet Dreams Beatrice, thanks again.

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 9:16:00 PM

Oh, I am exhausted. Goodnight, Puck. I'm barely intelligible.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/8/2015 8:59:00 PM

Give me more of both of them. Flesh them out for me. If you prefer to keep this gender neutral, you can still do that. Keeping it about their characters, perhaps both shared an intense interest but in different things or one was expressive on paper and the other talked non stop. One detail will go far. Now, I really like the last four words. They are very strong. I would like to see them stay.

Rob Carmack
Date: 5/8/2015 9:50:00 PM

It was intended to be generalized, but I never thought of making it more specific. Perhaps in place of 'My first Love' & 'My second love' something about them denoting two separate women. Thank you Beatrice.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/8/2015 8:46:00 PM

First, worst? C'mon.. lol... I just deleted over 900 poems from my soup vault. Trust me. Some contests are like that old commercial for this is your brain, this is your brain on... Now. As for this. Okay, yes its rough. But the 'heart' of it, its intent, its vision is very good. You know what you want to say. My second thought is that this is a hefty piece you are squeezing into a small space. I see this as a "three part" poem and I'd treat it as such. Two stanzas, let it unfold, third, I'd bring in those parallels.