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Workshop Poem - Wake Up Call

The world slowly dies. Wherever we go, life gets worse. We see thirst of power, A phenomenal drought of an agony! Grassy lands turn to thorns. Blood rages in to seas! It’s frightening to believe, The world is in state of insanity. Who would walk in fire, With greedy kings to get the throne? Who would want to see the world frozen, If we are numb to feel the cold? Do we need to wait? See ourselves eaten my big waves? Witness how the earth will change Turn everything in to grey? Drowned by worldly desires But no one would… No one ever wants to picture How death lavishly perishes mankind. If we’ll build a castle of nightmare It will only show that we choose to fail If it happens that we are not clean yet? We’ll watch our souls burning in hell.

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Skat A

Date: 6/9/2015 11:53:00 PM

lei,:) congrats on your workshop poem

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/15/2015 9:05:00 PM

I am glad you found my suggestions helpful. Nightmares (with an s) and If we build not we'll build is proper syntax :) and to build a tighter, stronger last line : we'll watch our souls burn in hell. (ing not needed and weakens the verb)

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/12/2015 7:47:00 AM

Hello Lei, welcome to the workshop. Your poem has a strong message and hopefully by you joining the workshop and it being featured on the contests page once it closes, it will get read by more people. You speak a great truth here and I can see you have passion on this subject. My suggestions are to tighten, tighten... by changing some of the verb tenses you can really make it even more urgent (this subject does well with urgency, great need) soo.... 1st line: the world slowly dies. I would not add an ellipsis here, as this is a strong line; you are setting the tone, the stage, for the entire poem on the first line. I even wonder about the word "slowly." Is it truly what you mean to say? Is it a slow death? Is the speed of the death picking up? Is it racing towards death? Just something for you to ponder.

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/12/2015 7:54:00 AM

2nd line, by taking out an auxiliary verb, you will heighten the urgency, again. "Wherever we go, life gets worse." The line becomes a full declaration.

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/12/2015 7:54:00 AM

the word "Is" is a funny word. It can be strong. Is can say that in no uncertain terms something is absolute. It can stand up and yell, "This IS true." It can also weaken, sound like ... maybe it is and maybe it isn't ... I hope this helps. Cheers, Cyndi