Why?

why why do I need to keep earning your trust when you don't trust me? why do i keep hiding myself from you when you can't accept me all i want is to be comfortable in my own skin do my own thing the words you say? my heart is crushed. the urge to be free, the need to be free free from your autocratic rule free from you being unjustifiably cruel i am your kin and where no child should ever be, i have been the treacherous no's to my pleads for therapy for my intrusive thoughts all i wanted was a remedy your disbelief in my predicaments it feels like my feet are stuck in a pit of cement my arms flailing, hoping to hold on to something, when the realisation that i'm failing occurs, anxiety seeps into my skin like water into cloth the line between reality and imagination blurs the hours i spent on overthinking somehow unfurls the number of suicide notes ive written in the past year are concerning with panic my stomach keeps churning at this point though to my thoughts there's no evident flow i think they're just diary entries i hope i don't feel the same when i'm in my twenties with my emotions unfurling into a chaotic swirl, I feel kinda nauseous, I might just hurl. the breakdowns in the school bathroom, the tears seeping out of my eyes, all these feelings might just lead to my demise.