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Where Did She Go

Alone in my office after a full day of teaching I sit catching my breath looking at the picture next to the phone a baby girl poses for the camera big grown eyes chubby cheeks impish grin a discarded toy behind her smiling for daddy so full of mischief and joy Where did she go? I look at pictures behind me The young woman Slim Beautiful Self- confident voluptuous sexy luxuriant hair sparkling smile the poser gregarious, vivacious, full of life Where did she go? I look into the ornate mirror a woman in her forties black hair starting to show white pinned up high a crown of curls her one vanity but it brings no hint of a smile tears gather in those big brown eyes a sigh here she is here she is…. that little girl turned young and pretty then middle aged sage no longer in her prime she sits and wonders about the passage of time Questions surface... Why have her dreams died? Why must she be denied? When was the last time She truly felt alive? Yes Here she is And soon she’ll go… her heart fills with sorrow there is still so much of her that remains unknown... Eileen

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Paul Callus

Date: 10/18/2014 5:01:00 PM

.....and pls do stop putting yourself down lady....perhaps you are deaf to wolf whistles when you walk down the street:)

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/19/2014 12:08:00 AM

I do get compliments. ;) That should suffice! Oh...but I'd love to be drop dead gorgeous.

Paul Callus

Date: 10/18/2014 4:55:00 PM

The aging process cannot be stopped, Eileen. We have to look ahead and make the best use of what He is willing to afford us. We all have lots more to contribute, and that to me is a comforting thought. In your case, the photo of that young and beautiful woman is reflected in your daughter; be proud of that:) hugs // paul

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/19/2014 12:07:00 AM

Aren't you sweet, Paul. There should be more men like you around....wouldn't that be just lovely. Thank you ever so much. Yes, I live vicariously through her. I'm so proud of her. Really! The best thing that has happened to me....is bringing her into the world. I hope and pray she is saved from pain and heartache. Bless you.

Sandip Goswami

Date: 10/18/2014 3:42:00 PM

I enjoyed your 'that remains unknown.'...Nice brain storming ending...Keep it up...Best wishes from India...

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/19/2014 12:33:00 PM

Sandip...thank you for your visit to my work. It was a very encouraging post you left me. :)

Liam Mcdaid

Date: 10/17/2014 12:12:00 PM

we all have days like this eileen very beautifully painted dear friend bless you passing a smile

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 2:29:00 PM

Thanks for the visit, my dear. I appreciate it.

Honestly J.T.

Date: 10/17/2014 10:42:00 AM

Well done Eileen (7) -JT

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 2:30:00 PM

My internet is being silly, JT...Did you get my last email. I sent you a response. I don't know if it went through. Please let me know. Hugs

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 10/17/2014 8:26:00 AM

Good morning Eileen.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 2:30:00 PM

:) Good evening now, Richard...from my part of the world. Hugs

Timothy Hicks

Date: 10/17/2014 12:33:00 AM

Ha ha ha... well I imagine belly dancing is great exercise! I can't really dance (or sing) but that doesn't stop me... though people do find it strange when they hear "singing" coming from the shower... oh well...

Timothy Hicks
Date: 10/19/2014 12:59:00 AM

Hahaha... you remembered that, huh?

Richard Lamoureux
Date: 10/17/2014 7:53:00 AM

I still remember your Santa video, you've got moves Timothy!

Timothy Hicks

Date: 10/17/2014 12:19:00 AM

That last stanza really got to me... there is still so much of her that remains unknown. Through all the seasons of life and still so much is left unresolved. Different from your typical style... I love this contemplative side to your poetry.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 12:22:00 AM

Thanks, Timothy...The sad thing about aging is that the body ages...ah...but the spirit stays young. I'm often told that I'm like a twenty year old. Go figure...Trying acting twenty in a forty seven year old body! ;) But oh...when I want to....I do let the twenty something year old out to play. That especially happens when there is dance music! I love to dance. I love to BELLY dance...and I do get compliments! ;) It helps to be a full woman when you dance. You shake it once...and it keeps jiggling! Oh dear...I better quit while I'm ahead. Thanks for the visit, dear. Hugs

Justin Bordner

Date: 10/16/2014 8:54:00 PM

The search keeps us alert to inspiration, maintains our belief in love's multiplication. Potentials and thresholds, that's what I yearn to explore and know, and in those I discover what I've been, what I am, and what I can be. Your introspection intrigues the youth in my heart Eileen. Revelation works two ways, the more you share the more you learn. You'll always be my youthful Beloved Poetess...J.A.B.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 12:11:00 AM

:) Always is a very delicate word, Justin. It begs a definition of time. But....that last sentence is simply sweet. Thank you for seeing me as youthful. There are times when I bask in who I am. I still get compliments when I care to let that inner woman free...especially when she's dressed in red. Yes, I do know she is still there. She just needs the will to embrace who she is now...Life is beautiful at each stage. I must learn to accept and more on. Thank you for your heartfelt post. It is very true to your caring and loving nature.

Ilene Bauer

Date: 10/16/2014 6:58:00 PM

i guarantee that that impish little girl and beautiful young woman are still a part of you. it just might take a bit more time to find those parts inside but everything that makes you special comes out in your poems - you had to reach this point in your life to be able to do that. i, for one, am glad that you've gotten here...(but hey, i, too, wish i more closely resembled those earlier images of myself...)

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 12:12:00 AM

Oh, Ilene....you are one of the first to make it into my favorite poet folder. I so love your honesty and depth of spirit. You have always been kind to me, and your words are not without effect on my heart. Bless you!!!

Harry Horsman

Date: 10/16/2014 3:04:00 PM

like this like it alot,,a question i think many of us my age asked of ourselves...and to a degree i can partly answer your question, and it is in what you have given in your life, ponder on that, and those children you teach, and what about here on soup,,you have enhance so many with your wonderful works of art...

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 12:15:00 AM

Harry....Harry Horsman. I love having visits from you. You are always one to lift my flagging spirits. Thank you. I'm better this morning. I was just overly tired yesterday. Also, to be honest...I just took my happy pill, so....I'm more able to deal with the demons that trouble my soul. Thank you for reminding me of what truly matters. You are a dear precious friend to me. Hugs

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 10/16/2014 2:46:00 PM

Your poem has created a lot of dialogue, for me that is the highest order of art!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 12:16:00 AM

:) I thrive on your words of praise, Richard.

Debbie Guzzi

Date: 10/16/2014 2:29:00 PM

So true with all of us we are endless puzzles, puzzling endlessly! Light & Love

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 12:20:00 AM

Oh Mr Cornish...This is where I differ with you. I've ALWAYS thought that men just get better with age. All my friends know that about me and tease me for it. Older men have always fascinated me. There is just something so distinguished about the grey and white....Look at Connery...Look at Pierce Brosnon...They are better now than when they were younger. So...men don't really understand THIS aspect of a woman's sorry...However, your words are great medicine and they cheer my heart and .....BONES! ;) That's saying a lot because they have a LONG way to go to get to my bones! ;) Thanks, Craig. Bless you!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 12:17:00 AM

What a witty comment from you, Debbie. I wouldn't expect any less, my dear. Yes, just wish those DANG pieces didn't hide themselves so well. Seems this puzzle is taking forever! Hugs

Heather Ober

Date: 10/16/2014 11:03:00 AM

WOW! Eileen, this is going straight to my faves. I love when we get to see this side of your poetry. I have also been pondering time and mortality lately, and it is comforting to see someone express similar thoughts so beautifully.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/17/2014 12:24:00 AM

Ah...thank you to the beautiful woman smiling at me from her avatar. I'm so glad to have you back, Heather. You and Timothy...Feels almost like the good old days. Now if only the others would come back. I'm honored that you faved this. I wrote it with tears in my eyes. I'm glad it touched your heart. Hugs

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 10/16/2014 9:32:00 AM

And that is one beautiful avatar pic Euleen..You should hang it in that room : )Lady in red

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 10/16/2014 11:46:00 AM

Hi dear Eileen.Who you are is more than enough for family and friends.You dont have to be on any stage to leave a mark behind for those whi are close to you.I kniw there is the other kind of famw which comes with a sour price of losing the real identity,but then there is that sweet fame of being published..I do believe that kind of fame could easily be yours.Where there is a will there is a way.So go for it Girl.Re depression ,my dad suffered from it since I was seven.I know it can be hell.Stay aith positive people deary and you ll befine.You amaze me how you fight that bitchy illness.That is another mark you leave..Hugs

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 9:37:00 AM

:) Yes...thank you. Red does suit me. I always get compliments when I wear red. :) It is a bold color...and it suits my complexion. Thank you for pointing that out. You are a true dear friend. Good news is that my family comes back tomorrow. I've been alone for about ten days. I don't do well alone...I'm a big baby! ;)

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 10/16/2014 9:30:00 AM

That. baby girl,that young lady,didnt go anywhere.Search deeper Eileen,Look again in that mirror,Beauty is still there,and with it the blessing many dont have,of living another year.Its not the outer beauty which makes us beautiful ,its who We are,the way we act,the way we love,the way We smile..And you have all of these and more.

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 10/16/2014 11:51:00 AM

: )

Tim Smith
Date: 10/16/2014 10:00:00 AM

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 9:35:00 AM

Thanks, dear...it's just been a hard day...I get tired in the afternoons and when I get tired...depression is never far behind. I take my happy pills in the morning...so...I probably should write my poems in the mornings! ;) Ahhhhhhh.....What burdens me is my poetry....and my girlish dream of one day becoming famous....of changing the world...of being SOMEONE! I'll live and die...just someone who lived on this stage for a while...played a role and had to take a bow. I know there is a better world to come....Sometimes I think it's just easier to rest....Oh well, never mind. I shouldn't answer posts till tomorrow....Thank you for your love. I'll be heading home soon. No internet connections there....Some problems....

Rajat Kanti Chakrabarty

Date: 10/16/2014 9:22:00 AM

You look so charming Eileen in your new Avatar. I will only say "you are beautiful" and "you will remain so in future". The shades will change not the essence. You concentrate on poems and culinary art. I can read your poems. But food...but I can smell the aroma. Love and best wishes. rajat.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 9:31:00 AM

You make me smile....Thank you so very much, Rajat. Very kind of you. I guess my mid-life crisis is taking longer than expected. I just never thought that I'd get older....It's hard to believe my daughter is twenty years old and that after three short years...I will be fifty! I used to love taking pictures and looking in the mirror....Not so much now. :( Never mind...We need to take life as it comes. Thank you.

Tim Smith

Date: 10/16/2014 8:51:00 AM

You had me smiling, then I was mesmorized, finally left to ponder as you have...what has become of me, have I lost my dreams, has time passed me by? .... If you look closely a very powerful woman is radiating in that mirror...one full of wisdom, passion, raw emotion, one whom life has molded into a pure beauty......hugs Tim

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 9:40:00 AM

Once in a truth and dare game...my husband had to ask one of the young men in the circle who is like one of the most handsome and eligible bachelors around a question...He asked him, "Tell me, who did you consider really hot and sexy when you were growing up?" He said..."Man, I can't answer that question!" My husband insisted...and he said sheepishly, "I and all the young guys my age thought Eileen was really hot!" ;) See, Tim...that's who I WAS!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 9:00:00 AM

Thanks. I'll be better tomorrow. Evenings are always difficult for me. I appreciate the kindness...

Tim Smith
Date: 10/16/2014 8:57:00 AM

I'm so sorry my dear...hugs

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 8:56:00 AM

Then today in English Com I...A student asked me to read a poem she had written. It was about her father who was killed in a car wreck. I give the students a chance to share some writing to get extra credit. When I finished reading her beautiful poem...she burst out crying. It broke my heart. There is so much pain in this world. Who cares about a moth when people are dying...being beheaded...Here in this part of the world? Who cares? I care....That moth was meant to fly...and it lay crushed on the ground. It broke me in so many ways because I felt a kinship with it. Oh....anyway...Some dreams were never meant to be realized. I know that now. And it pains me. Hugs.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 8:54:00 AM

I am a wreck of what I once was, Tim. But thank you...thank you for being so sweet and kind to me. My heart is heavy today. Last night....I had to watch a beautiful BIG month that was trapped in my home....beat its wings against the floor as it was in the throes of death...It broke my heart to see that. I tried to "rescue" it. It kept flying away from me. Finally I caught it and released it outside. It lay helpless on the balcony floor.

Demetrios Trifiatis

Date: 10/16/2014 8:33:00 AM

Many secrets are there to be revealed for us to be happy. Among these secrets some may be First, to walk at the same pace with our age thus we enjoy life! Second, harmonize our inner and outer self! Third, never wish a smooth ride in life for you will never know what we are capable to do. Fourth, unselfishly love your self. Fifth, trust your abilities for they have been given by HIM. HE has entrusted that mission to you therefore you have to accomplish it! No one knows you as you know you! The poem is profound and didactic! No period of your life was lost. All periods are accumulated in YOU as you are now! A seven!

Demetrios Trifiatis
Date: 10/16/2014 10:25:00 AM

My dearest, it is true that I have not been through depression and cannot understand But I have seen my father suffering and die and my mother the same plus two sisters and a brother and I was only a child of ten to fourteen! My parents were 45 and 47. At this point I do understand you very well and tell you that my parents and your mother live up there and watch over us and protect us with the grace of GOD who oversees all! You mean a lot to a lot of people who love you and wish to hold your hand and tell you " We are here, you are not alone. God has plans for you that He will reveal in good time! Bless you!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 9:00:00 AM

My dear poet. I cannot argue with you on this matter. All your points are valid and good. I have a rebellious heart. I want to have those things that bring me joy....Death has never been far from my thoughts. The loss of my mother has left a profound effect on me. To see her suffering for so long...and finally to die without having lived a full and beautiful life pains me till now. As I age....I come to the realization that I have not changed the world...I will not change the world...I will pass from it as I came...I know these are heavy thoughts for me, but it is a struggle for me to continue. It is easy for someone who is not on medication for depression to see things in a different light. Thank you for your continued support and care. It means a great deal to me.

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 10/16/2014 8:25:00 AM

I am heading out, we can connect later.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 9:28:00 AM

Yes, Richard....you are so right. Self fulfilling prophecy. I wish I could be positive. I wish I could be always happy. Honestly...I try hard. My friend came to see me yesterday and I tried to put on a happy face. I have my good days and my bad days...but it seems that as I age that is becoming worse. Perhaps I need to look more carefully into this, because those closest to me notice the change. I was a very bubbly....happy person....I still can be that way, but I'm becoming more reclusive. We all have our struggles, Richard...In different areas. Sometimes...I just get tired of struggling and just want to....rest. Thanks for your comments, though. I value your friendship.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 9:16:00 AM

Take care...have a great day

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 10/16/2014 8:24:00 AM

I think therefore I am. Life can be a self fulfilling prophecy, if we approach it from the perspective of scarcity we are diminished. If we think abundance we can live life abundantly. You are a warrior move to your trancendent mind. If you know how things are developing then you have the power to change course.

Anne-Lise Andresen

Date: 10/16/2014 8:09:00 AM

- The only way to live ... is getting older ..... I do not understand why many women find it so bad to be a year older - Not being a year older would the fair be a disaster - Dreams is for all age groups - we must not stop laughing even if years pass .... in one part of your heart, you are never more than 20 years - look in the mirror, she is still there! - Great poem, dear friend Eileen! - oxox // Anne-Lise :)

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 8:18:00 AM

Thank you, Anne Lise. I can't explain the fullness of my feelings. Thank you for your can and concern. It is an encouraging post.

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 10/16/2014 8:06:00 AM

You are coming up to the most productive years of your life. Stop wasting time on what you have lost and concentrate on all you are ( which from my perspective is pretty amazing ) each moment you look back prevents you from moving towards the completeness of you. Remember not everyone has the privilege of getting older it is one of the blessings God provides us.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 8:12:00 AM

Richard...thank you. I know it is hard to know the fullness of what I write from just a poem. You can't see things through my eyes. I grieve many things....many things I cannot share. I appreciate your words of comfort. I felt the need to let it all out. Unfortunately for me....things are not getting better, but worse. I know the state of my mind...and how my life is developing. But, thanks for the visit and post.

Casarah Nance

Date: 10/16/2014 7:28:00 AM

Sweetheart, you are beautiful, forty is the new thirty, experience, maturity and life, that is what is beautiful, your words they are sad, self reflection, but look at who that woman in the mirror is, look how she shines her words, her life worldwide! you are amazing! the character you have become should radiate with pride, you have so much to share, share it with us, you are so valuable to this life. Rock on beautiful!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 10/16/2014 7:56:00 AM

Welcome back, Cas! I don't what I'd do if I were locked out of this place. Thanks for your kind words. I really don't deserve them, but I'm glad to receive them. Had me a good cry....At least some of the pressure is relieved. Still in the office...Trying to pluck up the courage to go home. My husband and daughter have been away for over a week and I've been lonely...It's ok. It will pass. Thanks for the sweet visit.