When I Say I Love You

When I say I love you, it is because I do,but also its in hope that perhaps if I love you hard enough it will give me enough reason to love myself too . If someone can look at my flaws and decide that they are good enough to love, perhaps one day I will wake up and count my worth in thousands and maybe one day priceless. There’s a thin thread holding my self esteem together, I thought it was a teenage phase but never having lost it with my virginity, I keep it rested above the guilt of letting it go. I thought love and sex had the same meaning and I bought it as dirty as it was sold. Raised ugly I could not see the rosey on my cheeks and my walk never quite gained the bounce, have you seen the celulite on my thighs and the creeping stretch marks on my tummy, but anyway I live in hope that one day a prince charming would see a princess behind this duckling. I never lost hope, I painted a portrait of my happy ending and burnt my flesh so much my skin turned thick, so I waved goodbye over and over again and ran a mile over and over because traditionally through my imperfections I could not bare anything but perfect. then I watched them judge me, perhaps because I gave them too much to sift through, but I have nothing to hide my ugly is see through anyway. Loving people that don’t love me is all I’ve ever known, I will not allow anyone to compare the way I was raised just because their mother loved them. Pain is the only way I know and so I will allow to be hurt a thousand times if one day I wish to find my peace, through it all when I say I love you, I really do but also its in hope that perhaps if I love you hard enough it will give me enough reason to love myself too.