Walking Backwards

Walking Backwards I would trade anything Not to have lived The life I have lived To feel in part That I had played a part That was me at least Not to hit this wall Not to feel so invisible Not to look in the mirror And see this unrecognizable recognizable stranger Looking back at me To have lived a life So unmarked So ordinary Where every moment of happiness Was not stained In the dark black hole Of my childhood memories I would give anything Not to feel like me Just be able to turn my back on me And simply walk away Not to sense the stolen life Still reaching out to me Not to have walked this other Trickster path of shadows Confusion Hurt and sorrow Where love seems impossible And life a pale ghost of isolation Infects with its abused disease To be able to stand up And face the troubles of life With some sense of bravery Dignity Confidence Security In my ability to cope I cannot cope Change these lines That are engraved in my palms Won’t you please To know each and every emotion is true And not some aberration Of skewed rejection Not to hide away the awful truth And keep myself from feeling ashamed By other peoples embarrassment I would like it if people tried to understand I would like it if my family and friends Really knew me Instead of knowing they never will I would like to feel that there was some hope Some compassion for me And those like me Out there in the world And not this Awkward sexual misconstruction Of silences They care not to think about How abused children later become adults Disconcerted silences Humiliated innocence I would like not to be blamed Any more But most of all I would like not to feel like me I would like to be able To just turn my back on myself And simply Walk Away