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Poem

Walking Backwards




I would trade anything
Not to have lived
The life I have lived
To feel in part
That I had played a part
That was me at least

Not to hit this wall
Not to feel so invisible
Not to look in the mirror
And see this unrecognizable recognizable stranger
Looking back at me

To have lived a life
So unmarked
So ordinary
Where every moment of happiness
Was not stained
In the dark black hole
Of my childhood memories

I would give anything
Not to feel like me
Just be able to turn my back on me
And simply walk away

Not to sense the stolen life
Still reaching out to me
Not to have walked this other
Trickster path of shadows
Confusion
Hurt and sorrow
Where love seems impossible
And life a pale ghost of isolation
Infects with its abused disease

To be able to stand up 
And face the troubles of life
With some sense of bravery
Dignity
Confidence
Security
In my ability to cope

I cannot cope

Change these lines
That are engraved in my palms
Won’t you please

To know each and every emotion is true
And not some aberration
Of skewed rejection
Not to hide away the awful truth
And keep myself from feeling ashamed
By other peoples embarrassment

I would like it if people tried to understand
I would like it if my family and friends
Really knew me
Instead of knowing they never will

I would like to feel that there was some hope
Some compassion for me
And those like me
Out there in the world
And not this
Awkward sexual misconstruction
Of silences
They care not to think about
How abused children later become adults
Disconcerted silences
Humiliated innocence

I would like not to be blamed
Any more

But most of all
I would like not to feel like me
I would like to be able
To just turn my back on myself
And simply
Walk
Away

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