Undiagnosed

Nothing to hold, yet Everything--withheld Strained by light, becoming a shadow, hiding in that shell Crawling in the dream a brief reality Hell no I said I laugh because it's funny, you know? But for some reason unknown to me I'm emotionally stuck! Hahahaha To think of myself tangled in the branches of a tree Named Strange Feelings of Questionable Origin SFQO, do you read me? I'm lost in this barren land! ...no answer. Silly me, who in their right mind thinks that a tree can communicate with a human? Maybe I'm not human at all. Or maybe I'm too human to live like this I feel passive and external Awkward like some turtle I use emotion as a mask And my body as a shell My mind is like a boomerang, a switchblade pendulum. ---Yes I'm bipolar, mom Sorry not sorry Please don't do that, I hate it when you cry. I dreamt once that I was dead. Not like dead as in dead, but like nonexistent. I always wondered what it felt to be an unbeing. But I felt so free. Empty but full of potential! Warm and cold and feeling alright! No escape lasts. I climbed down the imagined ladder Back to the blessed surface of earth and all its glory. The sun was shining I turned on my side to sleep, But it turns out I don't know how to keep myself from getting up despite My heavy eyelids. If only my conscience were as heavy and tangible.