T'Was the Night Before Christmas

A Very Merry Christmas T’ was the night before Christmas And all through the house Spoons were stirring the drinks Held by every souse The shot glasses were filled With three kinds of whiskey Though were often spilled When Myrna got frisky The highballs were placed On the chimney with care Until Uncle Nicholas Tripped over the chair By chance no kids awoke Because of that slouch But Grandpa slid off His warm comfy couch “What was that,” He asked “Was there a collision?” Which in this case there was, And not one of his visions Yet, before lying back down Gramps had one more night cap Then slumped onto the couch And squashed poor Nips the cat While out at the bar There arose such a noise Because Myrna was flirting With some of the boys I sprung from the recliner To help my dear cousin And saw lads sucking shots From her pierced belly button Away to the window I flew for my life But when looking outside There was my modest wife Dancing in circles Around the snowman Though minus a coat Being half in the can When I hopped to the door But who should appear? My dear uncle George With a cooler of beer I had to think fast For my wife and Nick And for Myrna inside Yes, I had to think quick Then came inspiration To set up the maneuver Of thumbing my phone For the app to Uber I had fifteen minutes Until the taxi’s came So I shouted and called Everyone by name Now Nicholas, now Myrna Now dear Grandpa G Yo Uncle George Climb in a taxi I called to my cousins In the midst of a brawl It’s time to drive away For Pete’s sake, drive away all! And then in a twinkling I saw on the roof My wife of all things; Still high on forty proof I didn’t call out Knowing she’d crash Yet she jumped in the chimney Landing on the heaped ash She was dressed in a robe That turned coal black And I was surprised Coz she clutched a small sack Then my wife oddly asked If I thought she looked chubby But I knew that trap Being her hubby I spoke not a word As she quickly rose But when I picked her up Tore her panty hose I sprung to the bedroom Flopped her on the bead While the sack she held Knocked me upside the head But the bag just contained A large carrot and stones And ‘Merry Christmas To All’ Displayed on her phone.