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A Very Merry Christmas

T’ was the night before Christmas
And all through the house 
Spoons were stirring the drinks
Held by every souse

The shot glasses were filled
With three kinds of whiskey
Though were often spilled
When Myrna got frisky

The highballs were placed
On the chimney with care
Until Uncle Nicholas
Tripped over the chair

By chance no kids awoke 
Because of that slouch
But Grandpa slid off
His warm comfy couch

“What was that,” He asked
“Was there a collision?”
Which in this case there was,
And not one of his visions

Yet, before lying back down
Gramps had one more night cap
Then slumped onto the couch
And squashed poor Nips the cat

While out at the bar
There arose such a noise
Because Myrna was flirting
With some of the boys

I sprung from the recliner
To help my dear cousin
And saw lads sucking shots
From her pierced belly button

Away to the window
I flew for my life
But when looking outside
There was my modest wife

Dancing in circles 
Around the snowman
Though minus a coat 
Being half in the can

When I hopped to the door
But who should appear?
My dear uncle George
With a cooler of beer

I had to think fast
For my wife and Nick
And for Myrna inside
Yes, I had to think quick

Then came inspiration
To set up the maneuver
Of thumbing my phone
For the app to Uber

I had fifteen minutes
Until the taxi’s came
So I shouted and called
Everyone by name

Now Nicholas, now Myrna
Now dear Grandpa G
Yo Uncle George
Climb in a taxi

I called to my cousins
In the midst of a brawl
It’s time to drive away
For Pete’s sake, drive away all!

And then in a twinkling
I saw on the roof
My wife of all things;
Still high on forty proof

I didn’t call out
Knowing she’d crash
Yet she jumped in the chimney
Landing on the heaped ash
	
She was dressed in a robe
That turned coal black
And I was surprised
Coz she clutched a small sack

Then my wife oddly asked
If I thought she looked chubby
But I knew that trap
Being her hubby

I spoke not a word
As she quickly rose
But when I picked her up
Tore her panty hose

I sprung to the bedroom
Flopped her on the bead
While the sack she held
Knocked me upside the head

But the bag just contained
A large carrot and stones
And ‘Merry Christmas To All’
Displayed on her phone.
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