Too Close

"Don't get too close" (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...) We are taught from day one Not to get involved ... "Don't get too close to your patients, Or the emotions will get the better of you" Don't get too close ... Don't get too close ... Don't get too ... But here I am ... My arm in a child's chest, My hand around her little heart, Squeezing, massaging, praying ... Hoping my muscles don't fatigue Before I get someone to spell me ... (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...) Her little brother is a curious child, And found a gun in their parents' Room while looking for a toy ... He didn't find his toy, but he Shared the gun with his little sister, Now her life is literally in the Hands of a stranger ... (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...) Thanks to the trauma to Her heart and lungs, Clots and excess blood in her Pericardium, we had to do An anterolateral thoracotomy To open up her chest ... (Squeeze, squeeze ...) Don't get too close ... Where IS my colleague?!? The surplus of blood and the clots In her pericardium have to be Removed if we hope to restore Normal stroke and hemodynamic status, But I have no one here as yet that Is qualified to do the procedure, So I squeeze on ... and pray ... (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...) I pray for strength, for assistance, For hope in saving this child's life ... "Don't get too close, Don't get too close ..." How do you NOT get too close? For the rest of BOTH of our lives This child and I are joined by this, It is simply impossible to NOT get Involved when you're massaging a Child's cardiac muscles in your palm, - When you have cracked her body Open and invaded her vital organs, (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...) - When you would trade everything For someone to tell you that it's All going to be OK, that this child Will indeed live a long, full life, - When you keep picturing her face With a smile on it, her eyes wide Open and bright with life - When you keep hearing in your head The sound of her giggle and laughter, - When you keep imagining ALL That she could someday become, (Squeeze, squeeze ...) All that she could experience in the Years ahead, all the joy and sorrow And love that she could one day Feel in this little heart, if ONLY ... Come ON! Please ... (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...) "Don't get too close, don't get too close ..." How can I NOT get too close, For god's sake?!? I am a PART of her - A living extension of her heart - The extended part of HER that Is keeping her alive! "Don't get too close, Don't get too close ..." Don't bring your work home with you, Leave it at the hospital, leave it at the ER, Don't get too close, don't bring it home ... (Squeeze, squeeze ...) THAT is impossible ... this child is mine now, In a way that no other human Being will ever understand, This child and I are joined in trauma, Joined in struggle, joined in HORROR - The horror of this experience ... And by all that is sacred I will NEVER Deny that, I will ALWAYS carry her with me, (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...) And I WILL see her play again, I WILL hear her laugh, I WILL be a Doctor who "got too close", And I WILL take her spirit home With me every day, just like I carry a Piece of EVERYONE I've ever Seen in this bloody place ... THAT is the ONLY thing that makes It bearable each day - those people, Those faces, those limbs and bones And organs that we struggle to put Back together each and every day - (Squeeze, squeeze ...) There is a piece of each one of Those people that stays with me For all time, and it is the treasure That I covet with all that I am ... It is the medal I have earned ... Their spirits are the invisible Tokens that we tuck away ... (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...) Their lives are the truly precious Wealth that we value above All else, or we wouldn't come Back each day for more ... This little one WILL laugh again, And I will tease her about Holding her heart ... (Squeeze, squeeze ...) As I SHALL ALWAYS hold her heart, (Whatever happens) And we'll laugh about How silly that sounds ... And her smile will help to Warm this weary world ... For years to come ... I KNOW it will ... If only ... If ONLY ... (Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze ...)