This Deasise

I AM FULLY AWARE THAT I'M GETTING NO WHERE I AM JUST TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING I LOST IN THE DESPAIRE I CANNOT COUNT ON THIS MIND OF MINE ANYMORE LETTING THIS THING CONTROL ME AND EAT AT MY CORE I NEVER MENT TO GO THIS FAR INTO THE BLACK PIT BUT ALL THIS PAIN IS KILL ME AND I CAN'T STAND THIS I KNOW I'M NOT UNCLEAN, UNWANTED, OR DEAD BUT ALL OF THE FEELINGS JUST KEEP FILLING MY HEAD I'M STRUGGLING TO KEEP MY SANITY STRAIGHT AND TO PUSH BACK ALL OF THIS EMOTION AND HATE ANYTHING I FEEL, I FEEL FOR MYSELF THESES DAYS AND I SEE THAT IT'S SELFISH BUT I KNOW NO OTHER WAYS I'M NOT DEALING, I'M DYING IN THE KNOWLEDGE OF MY DISEASE AND THIS IS MY LIFE SO STAY OUT IF YOU PLEASE