They'Re All For You

those two months that i pretended you were dead i was too now we sit like our bodies do not need to play each others you are just the kind of boy that breathes beautiful like it's easy you shove your fingers down my throat to stop my screaming and i had never wanted to crumble into someone's bones like i wanted to yours i learned what breathing was in your bed i learned what living was on sunday mornings giggling at you dancing around your kitchen in your big fur coat talking to yourself whispering secrets no one else has ever been you no one else will ever be you i hope you remember me as the worst driver you ever met the naked body running into saltwater at 2 am the girl who chases cop cars and ambulances with you until morning the girl who always wants to dance not the girl crying next to your christmas tree not the girl who threw up in your bed not the girl seizing in your shower not the girl you sometimes touched sometimes kissed that feels dirty now that feels guilty now you were the only boy i ever met who made me forget death was an option the only boy in the world that made me feel like staying home was exciting like maybe white picket fences have a charm about them like the way a paintbrush feels crawling on your skin like the way a baby giggling reminds you that being alive is kind of cool like you were an addict and i never held it against you like you could relapse any time and i would not run like you could hold a needle to my vein and i would say "do it" you drove under the tunnel and i held my breath you laughed at me like i was a little girl and i felt like an idiot but on the way back you held your breath too wished for something every morning i read my horoscope and then yours you can play all the sad songs and pretend you are not thinking of her i will believe you i know you do not love her you say you don't love her but you are so used to saving the beautiful and broken i think i would die if i did not sit in your grey chair every sunday i think i would die if i did not love you my skin would take a walk get lost somewhere downtown never find her way back my bones would wander off to some foreign state get stuck in a bottle find a hand to fit in and maybe i could be content but i don't want to belong to anyone else and it's all your fault i hope you remember me as the girl turning into saltwater i hope it stings your eyes you'll never write a song for me everything i say is for you everything i write is for you