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Poem
those two months that i pretended you were dead
i was too

now we sit 
like our bodies do not need to play each others

you are just the kind of boy that breathes beautiful
like it's easy
you shove your fingers down my throat to stop my screaming
and i had never wanted to crumble into someone's bones like i wanted to yours

i learned what breathing was in your bed
i learned what living was on sunday mornings
giggling at you dancing around your kitchen
in your big fur coat
talking to yourself
whispering secrets

no one else has ever been you
no one else will ever be you

i hope you remember me as the worst driver you ever met
the naked body running into saltwater at 2 am
the girl who chases cop cars and ambulances with you until morning
the girl who always wants to dance 

not the girl crying next to your christmas tree
not the girl who threw up in your bed
not the girl seizing in your shower
not the girl you sometimes touched
sometimes kissed

that feels dirty now
that feels guilty now

you were the only boy i ever met who made me forget death was an option 

the only boy in the world that made me feel like staying home was exciting 
like maybe white picket fences have a charm about them
like the way a paintbrush feels crawling on your skin
like the way a baby giggling reminds you that being alive is kind of cool
like you were an addict and i never held it against you
like you could relapse any time and i would not run
like you could hold a needle to my vein and i would say "do it" 

you drove under the tunnel and i held my breath

you laughed at me like i was a little girl and i felt like an idiot

but on the way back
you held your breath too
wished for something 

every morning i read my horoscope
and then yours

you can play all the sad songs
and pretend you are not thinking of her
i will believe you
i know you do not love her
you say you don't love her
but you are so used to saving the beautiful and broken

i think i would die if i did not sit in your grey chair every sunday
i think i would die if i did not love you
my skin would take a walk
get lost somewhere downtown
never find her way back
my bones would wander off to some foreign state
get stuck in a bottle
find a hand to fit in
and maybe i could be content
but i don't want to belong to anyone else
and it's all your fault

i hope you remember me as the girl turning into saltwater
i hope it stings your eyes

you'll never write a song for me
everything i say is for you
everything i write is for you
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