The sinking ship

I think I've found myself on the wrong side of love. It's still love so it hurts to see it. When I'm not with him, I want to be. When I am with him, I want to run away. I know I should have enough courage to just stay away, And I know I shouldn't think I'll never have love if it isn't with him. I'm just scared the next time love comes around it'll fu*kin hurt again. I'm scared if I walk away, Every single thing I missed out on, Every single time I hurt and forgave him, It was for nothing. I really want it to be for something. I just don't think he'll ever choose me over the alcohol. I don't think he'll ever stop being angry when he's drunk. I don't believe him when he says it won't happen again anymore. I am in love with a sinking ship - and the crew refuses to bail the water out of the boat. They'd rather go down cursing about the water than put in the work to fix it. I've been screaming from the shoreline that this doesn't have to be the end. There is no shame in trying to live. You do not need to sink with the ship just because everyone you know before you did too. All these years, I don't want to believe he's never going to listen. But he isn't. He doesn't listen when he's sober or when he's drunk. He gets angry when he's sober too. I just don't know what to do. I cannot continue to kneel in these shards of glass, Believing if I just kneel and beg he will hear that he isn't only hurting him. He doesn't need to hear it; He knows. And he still refuses to grow. Im not angry at him for this. I am only heartbroken.