The Quest for Restless Orbit
Wandering alone with a heart that’s aching evidence
The fences you’re always sitting on, more numerous than my internal injustices
Not that I can really talk
Choking on all my hypocrisies
And biting my tongue in place of healing through the words “I disagree”
We were just time wasted from landfill clocks
I’m desperate for acknowledgement, but destined for an argument
And I’m just wasted atoms from the black hole my souls inhabited
I‘m remembering your transgressions like a crow remembers faces
And I wouldn’t underestimate my mental documentation;
So many contracts and blood pacts that I don’t even know I’m in
More violent and numerous than all my internalized injustices
But did you leave to save yourself or because you didn’t want the blame of not saving me?
My feet were dragging
And my heart was aching so much evidence
You’re bluer than a detective
But did you also need to stop and hang up the badge
After solving this?
They didn’t find a murder weapon because they can’t convict intelligence
But I see it in my head and I miss it
And my repressed stockholm syndrome is how I’m holding up with this
I’m self-aware enough to observe it but never to concede it
Talking about being there on our wedding days,
Knowing without rose-colored glasses, I’d believe it;
In my head I lived it
Would I have to pull the trigger for you to feel devastation?
Did I have to flail in a pool of blood for you to see that my life was ending?
Commit to me
how I’m committed to the asylum I store my files in
There’s locks on the cabinets,
But I always open them up when the doctors come to visit
And so I’m still nestled on a paper thin mattress,
Feeling dolefully imprisoned
But they didn’t find the murder weapon because they can't condemn self-severance
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2024
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