The Lonely

Slowly he opened the drawer and looked inside. Some time had passed since he last gazed upon the cloth that lay there. Years perhaps. Yes definitely years. The blotched rusty brown stains, yellowing its whiteness, spoke of its age. He reached in and moved the cloth aside. The chalybeous metal gleamed up at him. The last time he touched it was when he filled it, six chambers, three full, three empty. Fifty-fifty, why not fill them all? It would end it so much more quickly. The pain would be gone. The loneliness, the ever present deep, aching loneliness would finally end. He remembered the last time. So long ago, he had these same feelings. Feelings that left him doubting his life, doubting his world. Nothing could stop these feelings as if he was falling into an abyss. Never ending falling, deeper and deeper until all hope had left him. The darkness of his own mind blinding him to the beauty around him. He knew that beauty intimately, the beauty of a shared sunset, a walk on a beach, holding hands and laughing, making love in the grass in a breeze filled meadow, a single fragrant lavender rose, but what good is beauty that can't be shared? What good is love that no one wants? Back then there was time. He didn't want it to end but he saw no way out. The darkness was too deep, the pain too intense. The loneliness was simply unbearable. His decision was to leave it to fate. A fifty-fifty chance, fate, God, luck, call it what you will. It was of no concern to him. Whatever it was he was still here, and up until this moment he was glad. He had found comfort in a warm caring relationship that lasted for years. He even found happiness, until life intervened and it was ripped away from him. He thought he had found it anew for a short while before he saw past their lies and felt the pain they caused. Now time no longer mattered. The Lonely haunted him again. That's how he grew to know it, The Lonely. Always present, always lurking close at hand. Watching him. Waiting for its moment, and its moment had finally come again. He had but one chance left. A beautiful person had come into his life. Gentle and kind and full of the wonder that gave him the desire to try again. A friend, more than a friend to him she was his savior. They talked and laughed and grew to know each other. She shared herself with him. Not her body, nor even her love, they were saved for another, but her intimate inner self. That part of her that was so difficult to share with anyone, even those who were closest to her. Her true self that resided deep below the superficial face that she shared with the world. His feelings grew for her and she enjoyed his attention which made him smile for the first time in a very, very long time, but he knew that it was destined to end when she spoke of her dreams and how they would lead her away from him. He let himself care anyway. Then it happened once again. The Lonely stepped in. He pushed her away because he was broken and he knew it, but then he had always been broken. With this sweet, caring person that meant so much to him he found he could no longer share his feelings. She had too much to bare in her own life to worry about shouldering his weight. So, now, he was here again. The Lonely pushing deeper and deeper inside of him until he reached into the drawer and hefted the weight of the metal in his hand. It was heavier than he remembered. He slowly walked over to his bed and leaned back against it. His head pressed into the ornamental trim that created depth in the sleigh styled headboard. The pain went unnoticed. Slowly he placed the metal between his teeth. The taste of old cleaning oil danced on his tongue. For the briefest moment the thought of chipping a tooth flashed through his mind. It made him chuckle deep down in his gut. There was no fear. There was no hesitation. He allowed himself only an instant of remorse. He thought about those people who had been important in his life and the beautiful times they had shared until they disappeared. Then he wondered if they every really cared at all. His last thoughts were of his special friend, hoping that he had not hurt her like so many had done to him. Gently he squeezed. "Click." He thought about squeezing again. End it now! But, Fate had spoken. Feeling mildly disappointed he moved his hand to his lap and stared at the instrument that had let him down. He heard a low laughter develop within him. "Not so easy to get rid of me," it said. The Lonely was still there. He moved from the bed and carefully wrapped it in the cloth and placed it back in the drawer, knowing it was not the last that he would see of it. His stomach grumbled. Picking up his keys from the top of the dresser he turned and walked out of the door, mumbling to himself, "I guess it'll be Chinese tonight." 03/12/17