The Leap

I was half-mad with despair, hopeless in love and life, at the end of my rope-- so I chose to drown, to cease all pain in sweet oblivion. to be no more, to be gone.... And when I flung my young and strong body into that swollen river, I thought that's what awaited me--nothing! But oh, I was so wrong, for my agnostic mind could not foresee the awaiting vast blackness, the pain beyond pain, the utter aloneness-- no other souls, none but my bodiless mind that had spurned God and love as well, and now roiled in torment, until I called out to Him and was released from hell to return to the world I had so recently spurned. Some will discount this as the ravings of a young man breaking apart-- It's only fear, just imagined terrors, be brave they say, neither heaven nor hell awaits us, our only fate, extinction. I might wish them to be right, but they are deluded-- as I once was, for now I know there is no way out, no escape from oneself, from one's soul.... [Note to the kind-hearted soupers who might have a concern for the poet: Yes, this poem, like many, is autobiographical, but my clinical depression and attempted suicide were half a century ago, and by the grace of God I was not only 'returned' to this world but have not had another depression in the 50 some years since--for which I try to thank Him every day. And even though it was the worst day of my life, I thank Him for it--for otherwise I would have lived life seeing it as meaningless, and though I am far from being 'a piece of cake'--as my wife of 43 years will attest-- I am sure I would have become quite selfish, self-centered and unloving as a person if I had not been 'awakened'--not to be confused with the 'woke' so popular with the young today. For a long time now I have known that the problem with life is not that it is meaningless, but there is so much meaning that even the best of us can only grasp a bit--after all, even the disciples of Christ had trouble seeing 'the big picture' until they witnessed His resurrection first hand. (Hence the titles of my 3 poetry books, all published under my pen name, Nolo Segundo: 'The Enormity of Existence', 'Of Ether and Earth'; & 'Soul Songs'--because the soul, one's consciousness/personality, exists eternally.) Finally, may I wish a blessing on all the poets here, both those who have found God and those who may think there is nothing to find, and to say it in that most beautiful language, Spanish: Vayan, todos, con Dios siempre...]