The Leap
I was half-mad with despair,
hopeless in love and life,
at the end of my rope--
so I chose to drown,
to cease all pain in
sweet oblivion. to be
no more, to be gone....
And when I flung my
young and strong body
into that swollen river,
I thought that's what
awaited me--nothing!
But oh, I was so wrong,
for my agnostic mind
could not foresee the
awaiting vast blackness,
the pain beyond pain,
the utter aloneness--
no other souls, none
but my bodiless mind
that had spurned God
and love as well, and
now roiled in torment,
until I called out to Him
and was released
from hell to return
to the world I had
so recently spurned.
Some will discount
this as the ravings
of a young man
breaking apart--
It's only fear, just
imagined terrors,
be brave they say,
neither heaven nor
hell awaits us, our
only fate, extinction.
I might wish them
to be right, but
they are deluded--
as I once was, for
now I know there
is no way out, no
escape from oneself,
from one's soul....
[Note to the kind-hearted soupers who might have a concern for the poet:
Yes, this poem, like many, is autobiographical, but my clinical depression and attempted suicide were half a century ago, and by the grace of God I was not only 'returned' to this world but have not had another depression in the 50 some years since--for which I try to thank Him every day. And even though it was the worst day of my life, I thank Him for it--for otherwise I would have lived life seeing it as meaningless, and though I am far from being 'a piece of cake'--as my wife of 43 years will attest-- I am sure I would have become quite selfish, self-centered and unloving as a person if I had not been 'awakened'--not to be confused with the 'woke' so popular with the young today. For a long time now I have known that the problem with life is not that it is meaningless, but there is so much meaning that even the best of us can only grasp a bit--after all, even the disciples of Christ had trouble seeing 'the big picture' until they witnessed His resurrection first hand. (Hence the titles of my 3 poetry books, all published under my pen name, Nolo Segundo: 'The Enormity of Existence', 'Of Ether and Earth'; & 'Soul Songs'--because the soul, one's consciousness/personality, exists eternally.)
Finally, may I wish a blessing on all the poets here, both those who have found God and those who may think there is nothing to find, and to say it in that most beautiful language, Spanish:
Vayan, todos, con Dios siempre...]
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