The Innocenty of the Waters

PEOPLE with eating disorders are “allowed” to keep their identity secret. You’re not allowed to be a person. You are simply “a stomach that ate.” Everyone who sees you has a lot of power over you. You must be nice to them, speak in a certain way, present yourself in a certain way, and never be so self-conscious that you don’t want to eat. You don’t want to eat because if you did, you would be severely sick. You wouldn’t be in control of your life. You would be a creature. You would be weak. It was during my treatment that I learned who I really was. I understood that my eating disorder could be cured, because it was merely a disease of mind and body. I didn’t have to be afraid of food, because it’s a powerful human tool. I knew that I was not being a stomach that ate; I was a person who had been infected by a brain that wanted control. My illness wanted to make me not a person but a mind that ate. A mind that went through life being controlled, and told what to do, and how to feel. A mind that no longer could think for itself. A mind that wanted to give up control, but didn’t know how. A mind that could think but couldn’t act. I understood that I had to take back control of my life. I had to make myself be a person who was not a stomach that ate. I was a girl who thought, and had dreams, and wasn’t a blob. I was young. I was a daughter. I had big plans for the future. I was a Christian. I was a girl, who needed love, and felt loved. I needed to be loved, and loved. I wanted to be strong, and able to live a life that my illness would never again keep me from. I wanted to make a difference in the world, and to love others. I needed to learn to love myself, and to use my illness to help me learn how to love myself. I could choose. I would choose. I would love myself. I could have a beautiful life. I could be happy. In order to be healthy, I had to learn to let go of that which I didn’t need. I needed to let go of the need to control my life. I needed to let go of that which scared me and made me afraid. I needed to let go of the struggle to know what to do next. I needed to let go of the confusion of what I wanted and who to be. I needed to let go of the struggle to say no. I needed to learn to say yes. I needed to let go of my imagination, because life doesn’t work that way. I needed to let go of my imagination, because my illness was reality. I needed to let go of my imagination, because my disorder was my life. I needed to let go of my personality, because my illness was my character. I needed to learn to find my own self. I needed to learn to let go of being tired of not being a stomach that ate. I needed to learn to be a person, because being a person is what I wanted most. And after I learned how to let go of that which I didn’t need, I became a person that my illness no longer could control. I learned to say yes. I learned to say no. I learned to laugh, and be silly. I learned to cry, and have emotions. I learned to write, and speak, and love. I learned to have fun, and to love life. I knew how to make choices, because my disorder was not only no longer controlling my life, but was helping me to make choices. My eating disorder was the healthiest thing that had ever happened to me. It was a sickness of the mind, and a sickness of the body. It was a sickness of the body that was a sickness of the mind. It was a sickness of the mind, that could be treated, and a sickness of the mind, that could not. I learned, over time, how to say yes. I learned to say no. I learned to find my voice. I learned how to be brave. I had not learned how to be brave when I was diagnosed, but I learned it with the help of my mind and my illness. I learned how to be brave, because I had to be. I had to be strong. I had to be able to overcome this disorder, and be brave, because there was no other option. I needed to be brave, for me, for my parents, for my friends, for my boyfriend, and for everyone who loved me. I had to be brave. I learned to say yes. I learned to live in a world of uncertainty. I had to live with the uncertainty that my mind and my stomach might not agree with. I had to live with the uncertainty that my disorder would destroy everything that I ever wanted in life. I had to live in uncertainty, for me, for my parents, for my friends, for my boyfriend, and for everyone who loved me. :: 10.22.2020 ::