The Defiant Giant In a Robin Reliant

And the beanstalk fell and the giant as well And the giant lay there dead I swear to you I thought it true It seems I was misled Though the giant bled he raised his head And said I want my goose And the coins - that Jack purloined As I enjoyed a snooze And so behold the tale that’s told Implies that Jack’s the goody If this were not a tale of old He would have worn a hoody The giant knew just what to do Went round the dodgy dealers His car swiped from a bloke who liked Fixing up three wheelers Twelve foot fellow, car that’s yellow Torso through the roof Most unsightly, still drove sprightly ‘Where’s that thieving youth.’ Then he saw Jack who turned his back As though he hadn’t seen him He screeched his motor to a halt His tyres they were screaming A copper showed him handcuffs You’ll soon be wearing these The giant said good luck with that When your brains run down your knees The copper said Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum Is that not what you teach The giant said don’t ponder chum That old figure of speech But human kids invade my land Like nasty little bugs And when they’ve stolen all my stuff They sell it to buy drugs The copper looked at Jack and then he winked and then he grinned The big guy just behind me Tells me that you’ve sinned So Jack winked back, that’s funny that You can’t believe a giant Every time they speak, they lie And then act all defiant The giant said I’ve heard enough, I had no violent plan He grabbed the the cop in one big hand And crushed him like a can Composure cracked as Jack stepped back, He leaked a little puddle Your stuff is in my haversack I just got in a muddle The giant took a magic bean Which he forced Jack to swallow And as Jack’s skin turned slightly green He guessed at what might follow Leafy shoots grew from his mouth And many other places He started making stretched out shapes And strange contorted faces So Jack was paying for the sin Of selling magic plunder A beanstalk growing from within Was tearing Jack asunder One foot went up another down His head made for the sky The beanstalk twenty feet around And now a mile high The giant pushed against the stalk To lean it like a slope Climbed in his car (why would he walk?) He hoped the car would cope He climbed that stem in second gear With pedal to the metal But near the top he had to stop He had a score to settle Jacks severed head looked grey and dead But uttered an appeal You’re home in bed the giant said Just promise not to steal The giant drove into the the clouds Departing on three wheels The beanstalk broke and Jack awoke And to the cops he squeals A cop was killed because I robbed A most defiant giant Who drove up to the clouds In an old Robin Reliant Well coppers see so many loons They rarely even try ’em Which is why he’s not in jail And not in an asylum