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And the beanstalk fell and the giant as well
And the giant lay there dead
I swear to you I thought it true
It seems I was misled 

Though the giant bled he raised his head
And said I want my goose
And the coins - that Jack purloined
As I enjoyed a snooze

And so behold the tale that’s told
Implies that Jack’s the goody
If this were not a tale of old
He would have worn a hoody

The giant knew just what to do
Went round the dodgy dealers 
His car swiped from a bloke who liked
Fixing up three wheelers

Twelve foot fellow, car that’s yellow
Torso through the roof
Most unsightly, still drove sprightly 
‘Where’s that thieving youth.’

Then he saw Jack who turned his back
As though he hadn’t seen him
He screeched his motor to a halt
His tyres they were screaming

A copper showed him handcuffs
You’ll soon be wearing these
The giant said good luck with that
When your brains run down your knees

The copper said Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum
Is that not what you teach
The giant said don’t ponder chum
That old figure of speech

But human kids invade my land
Like nasty little bugs
And when they’ve stolen all my stuff
They sell it to buy drugs

The copper looked at Jack and then
he winked and then he grinned
The big guy just behind me
Tells me that you’ve sinned

So Jack winked back, that’s funny that
You can’t believe a giant
Every time they speak, they lie
And then act all defiant

The giant said I’ve heard enough,
I had no violent plan
He grabbed the the cop in one big hand
And crushed him like a can

Composure cracked as Jack stepped back, 
He leaked a little puddle
Your stuff is in my haversack 
I just got in a muddle

The giant took a magic bean
Which he forced Jack to swallow
And as Jack’s skin turned slightly green
He guessed at what might follow

Leafy shoots grew from his mouth
And many other places
He started making stretched out shapes
And strange contorted faces

So Jack was paying for the sin
Of selling magic plunder
A beanstalk growing from within
Was tearing Jack asunder

One foot went up another down
His head made for the sky
The beanstalk twenty feet around
And now a mile high

The giant pushed against the stalk
To lean it like a slope 
Climbed in his car (why would he walk?)
He hoped the car would cope

He climbed that stem in second gear
With pedal to the metal 
But near the top he had to stop
He had a score to settle

Jacks severed head looked grey and dead
But uttered an appeal 
You’re home in bed the giant said
Just promise not to steal

The giant drove into the the clouds
Departing on three wheels
The beanstalk broke and Jack awoke 
And to the cops he squeals

A cop was killed because I robbed
A most defiant giant
Who drove up to the clouds 
In an old Robin Reliant

Well coppers see so many loons
They rarely even try ’em
Which is why he’s not in jail 
And not in an asylum
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