Tears

Silent sobs echo through an apartment whose walls are cluttered with pictures of what was. My tears coming too easy, too quickly. The flow of release not bringing peace or resolve. There's no deep sleep following this. My eyes so swollen and red, not understanding from whence the wet drops have come. My tears not from joyous news or the climatic release of ******. No happy, cheerful thoughts ushered these drops in. Realization of what was and will never be have. Pain over feeling let down and deceived. Ghosts of promises fluttering on borrowed angel wings float around my sobbing shuttering frame. Even the cause of these tears seem ghostlike to me now. A transparency of my heart stopping, breath taking, butterflies in the stomach true love. A being who flutters in and out of the consciousness of our marriage. All the while naively claiming no previous knowledge of this decline. All the while claiming no responsibility for actions or lack there of for actions longed for and lusted after. Our bond that was once so strong and powerful lay tattered and torn. Much like the tissues being harshly rubbed against my soaking cheeks. So many tears washing away so many thoughts and feelings. A deep resolve to buck up and hold back this ebb of release, this stash of sorrow fights for the surface. Trying to stop the sobs, the tears, the deep willed determination to hang onto some hope. But reconciliation will only bring more pain, more let down, more tears. It's just not an option. Too much has fueled this pity party thrown on my behalf and attended by me alone. My tears too well earned and owned. My tears being recognized as the ending chapter of a roller coaster ride at a county fair, My tears my only comfort at the end of my day of playing wifey to an empty auditorium that has standing room only left after the ghosts have filed in.