Standing Guard First Draft

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Ugh, this poem! I managed to get this draft out of a significant moment in my life. For me, it seems the obvious edit to start with is the first line. Giving a description where the reader has the impression of the infant being lonely or better yet vulnerable would be better than stating it. However, that simple change leads to rearranging the whole poem and cutting out parts that I actually like (can I bear to do it?). Then my brain explodes and leaves this draft in limbo. One day maybe . . .

You look lonely Surrounded by hard plastic and Lying under artificial yellow lights that reflect oddly off your pink newborn skin Tiny fingers Tiny toes Synthetic oxygen mask You’ve arrived a bit early little one You’re exhausted mama’s arms have yet to joy in your gentle embrace So, you’re daddy will stand guard for now You’re not alone child You’ll never be alone

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Suzette Richards

Date: 2/11/2024 3:03:00 AM

Congratulations on your win in my First Draft contest with this Free verse, Robert. I had to do a double take with the grammar, and realised that you have expressed yourself in a vernacular not uncommon to some (the first two “you’re”, instead of “your”, and “mama’s arms have yet to joy”) well within the spirit of Free verse. This is a nice tribute to the contest brief: ‘warts and all’. I would say that this first draft would need some serious TLC with respect to the line breaks – especially the longer lines. The personal content definitely saved the day: Both my children were premature births, and I can relate. It had brought back some bittersweet memories. ~Suzette

Robert Sidwell
Date: 2/11/2024 11:43:00 AM

Well, thank you. You are definitely correct, it would need a lot of TLC. Perhaps, I took first draft too literally lol. But, I truly appreciate your comments. There is something about having an infant in those hospital beds that stays with you forever. Bittersweet indeed.

Pivotal Poetry

Date: 2/10/2024 9:55:00 PM

Touching. Well done. :)

Linda Alice Fowler

Date: 2/10/2024 1:52:00 PM

Congratulations Robert! :)

Beryl Edmonds

Date: 1/29/2024 11:45:00 AM

That’s lovely, all the best to you all. Beryl

Robert Sidwell
Date: 1/29/2024 11:50:00 AM

Thank you!

Paul Bell

Date: 1/29/2024 11:12:00 AM

Hope the baby and mummy and yourself all bond soon.

Robert Sidwell
Date: 1/29/2024 11:49:00 AM

Thanks! Everything turned out fine. A significant time in my life. This was originally going to be in the Precious Moments Contest, but I had some issues I had trouble fixing. There’s a First Draft Contest now so figured I might as well,