Shattered, Scattered, Trashed
Hello again Conscious, my dear friend
hello again dear mirror, my wake up call
hello again myself, it's too early for this but it needs to be said
No one will understand my turmoil, decisions, incentives
my numbing drive for rebellion against Hollywood
except for myself and the music flooding my ears
my oblivious mentors
I just need someone to hear me...someone to scream to, to vent to
I HATE THIS! ! ! whatever this may be
The rose once in my hand is now the thorn in my side
the force irritating, causing the pain to increase
I find to be the wave of my own hand jamming it in
Today, to put it plainly, I'm plaster
shattered, scattered, trashed; silent and fuming dramatically
in an all out tantrum of sorts without real intention of calming
My personal demons wish to bring me down
sticking into me like tainted needles
bizarre though, I'm becoming unusually fond of the sedative
It reminds me my answer to all questions can't remain
'I don't care' though in all honesty, carelessness is just a phase
I just don't care, not today and probably not tomorrow
I've got a superfluous amount of evil thoughts
manipulating the impulses in my nerves
wanting me to commit the crime
tear down my carefully constructed labyrinth
allow my anger to exhale like the volcano of Pompeii
launch a five finger crusade on someone's skull
a barrage similar to ten bullets in one
anything to relieve these self-crippling feelings
of loneliness and worthlessness
The symptoms of my current disease: apathy, anger, agitation
words of an 'authority figure'
crawling so deep under my skin so dastardly
I cannot help but scream out in distress
Respect me, I shall respect you in return
don't get under my skin, make light of my competence
and expect me to cooperate
You try to make an example of me by creating a false scene
over a situation unworthy of time
Is drama the only thing teachers can handle
to excite their boring, tedious lives
Whatever the case, I don't mind or care
I don't step down to anyone, anything
I feel so unreasonably ruthless, undeniably cutthroat
My reasons, none is listed; could just be another bad day
or it could be the hatred I push towards authority
attempting to run over, control me
I am not a puppet, subject to being a victim of strings
becoming my movement
I rebel, rebellion is my adrenaline
My desire to be different, the drive which separates me from everyone
the one moment I succumb is when I have abandoned everything
The attempt to rip out the thorn is on hold
all the anger I contain now is best kept in a closet
My demons are swelling again
my dark thoughts are consuming again
just lock me in the cave I've built, lock the door and let me be
let me stir in silence of my hatred, disgust, personal agony
My heart is rising in my chest, wanting gravity to disappear
It's never denied the truth, lied to me
It may be the doubt or the tenacity causing me to believe
all it says is just a fable for today
Maybe I'll calm down or catastrophically meltdown
breakdown and restart myself
Throw a wall my way first or a face to cave in
and I'll consider it, maybe not
I HATE THIS! ! ! I LOATHE EVERYTHING! ! !
I just want to be in solitude, have the loneliest day of my life
to pay tribute in the form of a mayday parade
the fifth annual disaster
When will it cease instead of seizing me
I know, I know I just don't need this
I don't need this hatred fueled anger
this growing isolation, melancholy theory
I don't need any of this
So why do I feel like a neutron star, a broken atom
imploded, deadly, decomposed, departed, dust
Nothing....nothing...nothing...nothing....
I'm reduced to nothing....nothing...
....and I don't even care....
and I don't even care at all....
Copyright © Andrus Cassian | Year Posted 2016
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