Searching the Crowd

My life was simple Until I held the door For one man, and nothing more A simple thank you would have been enough But I turned around In a split second My life turned upside down For a man I don’t know And never knew Pale white skin Dark brown eyes I lusted I sinned I swore I’d never do it again You came We talked Blah blah blah My nerves settled in Palms sweating, eyes meeting Talk felt like vomit A name; all I knew Then I kept seeing you We locked eyes and stared Anxious; you told me to calm But you had plans, And I was stuck Still stuck; this is what I am. So I made my decision, To look at you like a stranger For I knew What I’d do to a man like you My looks deceiving My body hiding secrets Bearing a child Covered in scars Hidden away; a partner patiently waiting At night I look to the man in the bed, Never wanting to be myself again Lusting for a man I never knew You stopped and stared Searching the crowd promptly at noon I looked back, never daring to say a word For I knew what I would get myself into My heart aching and beating Watching and waiting, While you stood patiently Ignore you, I could not do I just glared And the eyes were returned But I didn’t stand my ground I was stuck. And this I swore not to do to you While he plans And I stay awake, wishing for more talks Talks we shared, now I can only rehearse Lying wide awake in my bed Thinking of a smile and tattoos Since those days I have looked for my exit My way out And his eyes once more To be given a second chance But he is gone Never to see this man again, Stuck in my regret, I am stuck.