Search Engine of the Soul

The shaking starts as I think of our past together, as the mental machinery shudders into action, an organic search engine that chews through the years looking for clues, as my heart shudders in rhythm I choke on these very words, as they run from my heart onto the page, my tears, the salty lubricant keeping the wheels of torment spinning in my head, churning out these feelings that will not seem to abate Our pain was like an avalanche, crashing and smashing everything that lived on the mountainside of our life together, until it finally obliterated the tiny place of hope that we'd built at the bottom It sits there now, the detritus of a love left out in the cold too long; frozen to reduce the risk of fire, a fire that had burned out so long before, that even the sparks of tragedy could no longer set it alight A wrecking ball of anguish, the agony of two damaged souls clinging to one another for so long, that they'd pulled the skin off in those spots where their fingers had clutched at the others battered heart Perhaps it would have been easier for one to have ripped the heart from the other, straight away, ripped it bloody and beating from their chest so as to sooner end this unending flood of torment for both I cannot bear to look at the smoking pile of emotional debris that remains, lying atop the memories that were hurtled to the bottom, to be buried once and forever; only to keep poking out in the light And yet, I must look; I can't look away, guilt won't let me turn my face fully to the light; what if/what if, my brain asks, when my thoughts turn quiet in the night, questions the mind strings like a boolean algorithm Do you cry still, when you hear the roar in your dreams? Have you found a new memory to dream of, or are your dreams now, of the other side of the mountain, where, with hope, a new fire is being lit? I pray that you aren't still looking, as I am, at the underside of your soul, searching for answers that may never be found, for reasons, when there are none but the winds of fate that blew us together