Right Now

I just want to preserve how I feel right now. Because today, I'm in pain. My back and hips hurt. I got 3 hours of sleep last night after crying for an hour. I cried this morning before coming to school. Depression is overwhelming, constantly there. I have so many missing assignments, and SAT's are only a couple of months away. And if I focus on that too much, the stress and crushing feeling of "This is too much" comes creeping back. But- Right now, it's okay. Because I have friends who care about me, even though soon I know I'll doubt this. I can acknowledge that they want to spend time with me. And when I jokingly (not jokingly) said "I hate myself" around them on Tuesday after I was awkward, "no's" all poured out immediately. I can ignore the thought that I'm a third wheel, fifth wheel, seventh wheel. Friends drift apart, and that is not my fault. I don't deserve this guilt. I have made new friends who call me best friend and buy me skittles and leave heart emojis and drooling faces on my profile picture. I have friends who think I'm funny and invite me out to trivia night and laugh at my jokes and smile at me. I have friends who threaten buying me a barrel of skittles for my birthday. I have friends who try making cupcakes that I can eat, gluten and dairy free, until they get it right and can't stop grinning when it makes me happy. I have friends that get excited when they see me. I have friends that run and hug me when they see me. I have friends that scream when they see me, announcing my presence. Announcing their happiness at seeing me. I have friends that want me to work with them at their restaurant. I have friends that say I'm gorgeous, even though I can't always believe it. I have friends that smile when I smile. I have friends that listen, advise, and worry about me. Because they love me and don't want to lose me. I have friends that say they love me. Even though I hate myself, they don't. How remarkable. And for all I know these friendships will fade. I could lose these people, and I probably will once I leave high-school. But right now, oh right now. It feels so nice to say I have plans. It feels so nice to have friends, and know it, and feel it. Because god, I've been so lonely, it has been so long since I've felt love. It's been forever Since I've felt normal. And in the end, it's such a small thing but it's so big, too. Because right now, I can believe that- I am loved by my support group, by my family, by my friends. I am loved.