Jaycee Cervenka | + Follow Poet |
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Resuscitation

I died when first you kissed me;
My soul shook loose on a breath.
My spirit failed as I exhaled
Against the warmth of your lips.

Two arms were there to hold me
As the light began to gleam.
Your body aligned, firm, with mine,
Heaven was within my reach.

I died when first you kissed me;
Passion scorched my soul in flight
You, ever bold, entwined our souls,
Exhaled, and brought me to life.

7/21/2015 jsc

Experimenting with form. Lines 1,2,&,4 each have seven syllables. Line 3 has eight syllablesin six words with the third and sixth word rhymind

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Funom Makama Date: 10/13/2015 8:36:00 AM longest time friend. You've just exhibited to the highest quality exactly what I have missed in here for months. Your lines are so exciting and your words are each having that second hand of drawing me back to them again and again and again irrespective of how many times I have gone through them. Its nice to be home and you are part of the reason I have this refreshing feeling. A definite 7. Cheers! Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 10/13/2015 9:46:00 AM Welcome Home! I've been on and off a bit since September due to work and family, but it's always nice to see old friends again. Thank you for this glowing review. Jan

Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/25/2015 10:18:00 AM What a fabulous write, you penned this a great and with vivid imagery...........A.M. Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 8/25/2015 6:57:00 PM Thanks so much. It was an experiment on style.

Andrea Dietrich Date: 8/21/2015 12:04:00 AM LOVE THIS. I love patterns in poetry SO MUCH. You should check around and see if anyone has named this form. I had one similar with some of the lines having internal rhyme, but I went to Shadowpoetry and saw another guy had already claimed it. HA. So he got to name it after himself! Anyway, not only do I like this Form you are using, but also the THEME. It's the kind of theme I enjoy reading in a poem. SEVEN! Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 8/23/2015 11:38:00 PM Andrea, I'm not sure how easy this form will be to reproduce. I'll have too try it on another theme. It was perfect for this one. One comment that I didn't make is that, although there is not really assonance, it works best when lines 2 and four have similar vowel sounds. So the stanza is either short, soft vowels or long, harsh vowels. I had one that originally was not pattered this way and it sounded awkward. Changing the word to fit smoothed it out. New babies in the family, so maybe I'll try it on a related theme.

Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/20/2015 7:10:00 PM Lol!!! I love how you penned it especially the first and the last stanza, it is so much beautiful and excellence............A.M. Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 8/20/2015 11:34:00 PM Thank you so much Afolabi. I appreciate your time and comments.

S.Zaynab Kamoonpuri Date: 8/20/2015 9:08:00 AM I have an unposted prose in which i refer to kissin as mouth to mouth resuscitation since the kiss of luv is akin to kiss of life, so i enjoyd this sensational romantic poem creatively penned. Kudos. Great to read frm u again. Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 8/20/2015 6:31:00 PM Thanks so much for stopping by to read. Love and the life it can breathe into someone, is a blessing of incomparable beauty and a gift.

Eric Boddie Date: 8/3/2015 4:24:00 PM I died as I read this....as if your Soul actually fed this....Love inside my heart, it's breathless....put all trust in God, you're never helpless....;) Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 8/6/2015 12:25:00 AM Eric, thank you for the poetic response. May God continually renew you! Jan

Tim Ryerson Date: 7/27/2015 12:17:00 PM WOW Janet, cold shower and blood pressure pill time! Is this your own poetry form? Going to my favs - Tim Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 7/27/2015 1:24:00 PM Tim, thank you for the fave. Yes, this form is my own creation, which spings from my tendency to like to write in lines of seven or eights, but without specific meter. When I started this the internal rhyme felt natural to push that third line along. There is also some type of silibance between lines two and four.

Alexis Y. Date: 7/23/2015 1:48:00 AM Wow! This piece is bursting with passion and desire. Very romantic. :-)Alexis Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 7/23/2015 10:52:00 PM Thanks for stopping by Alexis.

John Lawless Date: 7/22/2015 6:36:00 AM Janet, I'm with Arthur on this one..The opening line seemed to be inviting me to "peek" into a special moment. Form is wonderful but methinks it is truly well done when it is only a backdrop for words. Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 7/22/2015 3:15:00 PM John, form is always just a backbone, or skeleton, for the message. If I can cover that with words in a rhythm that flow for the images I want, all the better. Glad you two liked this romantic ditty.

Arthur Vaso Date: 7/21/2015 11:27:00 PM In this case, I was too enraptured by the verse to think of form! Hot! Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 7/22/2015 6:06:00 AM Lol..then, I got something right. Thanks for the read, Arthur. ~Jan

Suzanne Delaney Date: 7/21/2015 4:52:00 PM Hi Jan: I love this piece. You said you were wondering about a word change in Stanza two ...maybe a little tweak in word order would do it....your body, firm, aligned with mine. Hugs, SuZ Login to Reply Suzanne Delaney Date: 7/23/2015 2:57:00 PM yes, gleam does work there. Forgot to say I really enjoyed the poem as a whole. The idea of total surrender and revival from one cause. Well thought out and written. SuZ Jaycee Cervenka Date: 7/21/2015 11:03:00 PM Thank you for the suggestion. I think I had already changed glow to gleam when you read this. After reading aloud several times, I realized the vowel sounds were working together in other stanzas. It's nice to know someone reads the footnotes however, and based a comment to it. Thanks!~Jan

Hannington Mumo Date: 7/21/2015 1:14:00 PM Your experiment with a novel form was successful. The romantic piece is speckled with sensual undertones that keep one savoring each word to the very end. A 7 is not even enough... Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 7/21/2015 11:10:00 PM Thanks for your sweet words, my friend.

Nette Onclaud Date: 7/21/2015 12:46:00 PM dazzling with love's madness and written in a form that delights, janet... huggs Login to Reply Jaycee Cervenka Date: 7/21/2015 1:04:00 PM Thanks so much Nette. I keep reading and wondering if I need a word change in stanza two. Thank you for your comments..Hugs x ~Jan